Less Ralph Marston, More Ralph Kramden

Oh relax. I am not suggesting anyone should hit her. But perhaps someone could threaten to send her to the moon is she doesn’t shut the fuck up. This is her latest FB post. As if ANY of this applies to her:

Instant results are not always the best results. Have a little patience, and you can greatly expand your possibilities.

If your desires were always fulfilled immediately, you would have nothing to look forward to. You would miss out on the joy of anticipation.

There are some good things you can have instantly. There are many, many more good and valuable things that will take time.

You deserve more than mere instant gratification. Be willing to take the time, and to put in the effort, and give
yourself access to life’s greatest rewards.

Value that arrives in an instant is probably going to be gone in an instant. Value that takes time and commitment to create will enrich your life far into the future.

Dream, plan, prepare and persist in your efforts for the long haul. The more time and effort you give, the more richness you can achieve.

– Ralph Marston

Yeah, OK. Because she has put so much time and effort into everything she does. She works her ass off, so hard that the Bravo producer had to make sure she’d be awake before 2 p.m. every filming day.

Her work ethic involves trying to scrub the Internet of her more embarrassing episodes, including making her Vimeo account private in recent months, due to her fears that the Bravo people would use what they found to portray her accurately. Oops, though, too late. Her archives are their archives. And tipsters inform us that although it was in Bravo’s interests to have her get along with the production team, even though they all thought she was off her nut, the same isn’t true of the POST-production team, who are completely onto her.

Also — no one in the business thinks Miss Advised is a hot property. And Donk has annoyed enough people involved in its production that it’s given them a personal interest in humiliating her by portraying her exactly as she is — an unhinged, entitled, irresponsible, princess-y attention whore.

Oh dear.
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90 Responses to Less Ralph Marston, More Ralph Kramden

  1. Malformed Face (like a blow-up doll left in a hot car) says:

    Love it – great intel!!!! And yes, the Production team had to PRETEND to get along with her – this helps a great deal – SO THEY CAN GET EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT – there is no other reason.

    • Malformed Face (like a blow-up doll left in a hot car) says:

      So just to be clear, Julia, you’ve been had.

      Hope that helps!!! Love and Light!!!

    • Ass Baughers Syndrome says:

      Are you saying that Bravo can claim that they have rights to her Vimeo account and anything else she took private? This would be delicious.

  2. Albie Quirky says:

    Her essential lack of sophistication and intelligence is found in her constant quoting of Ralph Marston, who is the Thomas Kinkade of words.

    Seriously, she is the hickiest of all hicks.

    • Jack the Velveeta Bulldog says:


    • JFA says:

      The saddest part is she thinks she’s really smart. Those are always the worst ones. People who are genuinely smart either have nothing to prove and behave that way, and/or humbly realize they could stand to know a LOT more.

      She’s pathetic.

  3. Who do you think you are? says:

    While her family may not be versed in her online shenanigans, it must be obvious what a hosebeast she must be, even when considering the possibility of unconditional parental love.

    What is most amusing to me is that they can’t not watch this show when it airs, right? And there it will be, staring them right in the face: their shitty spawn who, no matter how much she brays that the editors made her look awful, will stir up all sorts of side-eyes and whispers at the University Club. I wonder what damage control Pettifogger has up his sleeve, now? Oh, the embarrassment.

    • Stinky Velour Couture says:

      Don’t take it so seriously!
      It was ALL the POST-Production’s editing fault.
      She’s nice, she said so.
      Do you want to meet for coffee, bunny?

  4. Whimsical Whackjob says:

    My little black heart… it sings. Cannot wait!

  5. Frequent Liar Miles says:

    Wait — I thought she claimed that she would be portrayed as “adorable.” There must be some mistake. Cut! Don’t use that!

  6. stalker is the new fat says:

    loves it!


  7. Instant results are not always the best results.

    Donkey did not have to look to Ralph Marston for this tidbit of wisdom …
    Does it not jump out at her every time she views her altered face in a mirror?


    • Princess WideStance says:

      I don’t think she sees what we see. Somehow she genuinely thinks she looks better now. Deep down, she must hate herself very much.

      • stalker is the new fat says:

        agreed. Most people would maybe try one procedure and when it made them look weird, back slowly away from Doctor Bobby. She dives in face first.

        It’s like in the movie Saw when someone has to go into the pit of hypodermic needles and it’s gross and creepy, but for her, she loves it. MOAR NEEDLES!

        • Malformed Face (like a blow-up doll left in a hot car) says:

          It speaks to Julia’s narcissism and cheapness – more needles = better deal = I am so important I GET MORE NEEDLES FOR FREE = muppet face.

          • NonSobriety says:

            “I am so important I GET MORE NEEDLES FOR FREE”. Reading this line “literally” made me shiver. It’s creepy because it’s true. And how fuck.

  8. Can-Swiss says:

    I can see her treating the crew like shit. Being condescending to the cameraman and soundguy, demanding the assistant get her things. Trying to direct them or act like she “knows the biz”.

    I’ve worked with these people before and it is certainly not in your best interest if you are the talent to piss off the crew. You need to be an A-level star to act like an A-level asshole and get come close to getting away with it. But even then, it comes back to haunt you (Christian Bale yelling at a DoP http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD1qD66Myno and Katherine Heigl generally acting like a bitch http://www.celebitchy.com/95902/katherine_heigl_comes_clean_addresses_ungrateful_diva_image/ ).

    They were hot properties at the time and even THEY can’t get away with that shit. I can’t even imagine what they will do to JABs….

    • Malformed Face (like a blow-up doll left in a hot car) says:

      The more she pissed off the crew, the more her true colors showed the more her executive producer Esther got excited that she could show Julia for the true hosebeast she was. Hosebeast = ratings = Esther’s job is secure.

      And I’m sure it was Esther telling Julia how adorable she would come off = keep the “talent” comfortable with revealing what a fucking bitch she is.

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        Ha! Reality tv producers are very skilled at manipulation. This is gonna be great!

    • Delurked says:

      god, that christian bale meltdown was so great. (and i love christian bale.) “we are fucking done professionally” was my catchphrase for MONTHS

      • stalker is the new fat says:

        plus, i don’t believe that was just random bitchery on his part. The guy was spoiling the shot when he was trying to concentrate, right?

        • stalker is the new fat says:

          I mean, Christian Bale is no Mel Gibson.

        • CaptainGary says:

          Not to mention the fact that the guy he was yelling at/about was the Director of Photography for the film. If he would have been yelling like that as an intern, fine, it’s overkill, Bale’s a jerk, whatever. But the DP is C-level, film wise – just like the director, producers and stars. Not only should the guy have known better, but he was getting yelled at by someone of approximately the same level. That’s how that shit’s gotta work sometime.

        • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

          I knew Christian Bale was a cat lady! I just knew it!

        • Delurked says:

          yeah. even if i didn’t adore him, i still can’t hate on him for blowing up. i do know that he is like, super method to the extreme, and from what i was told about the incident, it was kind of a dick move on the DP’s part. yeah, he looks like an asshole, but i’ve lost my shit on people in the heat of a stressed moment too. whatevs.

          • pearipathetic donkey says:

            What’s also redeeming is that I heard him during a radio interview, after the audio clip went viral, and he said his behavior was not professional and that it was an asshole move.

      • NonSobriety says:

        The audio remix track was my jam for months.

        • North Shore Bitch says:

          Oh my god, my ultimate favorite remix ever! It’s truly awesome.

          ♫♫♪♪♫♫♪ It’s fucking distracting, ohhh goooood ♪♪♪♫♫

  9. pearipathetic donkey says:

    I wonder if JABs reads these insidery post and completely flips her shit or thinks they are so wrong…I guess it doesn’t matter since either way it will lead to utter lunacy.

    Also, are all these Marston quotes suppose to justify they fact that it took her 8 years to finally get a reality show?

    • Malformed Face (like a blow-up doll left in a hot car) says:


    • NonSobriety says:

      Her delusional mind:
      “I’ve worked for this FOR YEARS!”
      “I’ve been building a relationship with Bravo since I was airing my relationship with [redacted]. I earned this! It’s my time! MY TURN!”
      “I got this now because I dropped those other dimwitted ‘sisters’ and started just pitching them ME!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!” etc.
      “Now let’s Google cliches until I find something cheesy enough to validate my delusions…”

  10. KrakenSkulls says:

    That whole thing reads like she found out all the money she was expecting to get from Granny is actually going to her parents.

    • Jack the Velveeta Bulldog says:

      That thought crossed my mind too. Delayed gratification doesn’t define our donkey; having to wait for those angel investor wings must keep her up nights. Like every other resentment.

  11. whaaaaaa says:

    She is such a fucking tard sometimes. There was maybe once ONCE a long while ago when she was doing ok for herself. But that ship has sailed. Now all she has is a reality show where she gets to be the queen cray cray among a bunch of sad single women. Give it up, Julie.

    Oh, the cankleshausen is strong with this one.

    • Malformed Face (like a blow-up doll left in a hot car) says:

      I don’t know that Emily and Amy will be portrayed as sad – (just my opinion) which will make a Donkey look more epically pathetic.

      • Fashion Girl says:

        From the preview, it at least looks like Amy has the good sense not to hang out with Lewis Howes for any extended period of time.

      • JFA says:

        Which one is which? The one not so pretty one that has that bullshit matchmaker company looks sorta pathetic from the little I’ve read about her online (VERY little, but her company sounds like a sad bucket of fail, but I loathe matchmakers and think they are snake oil salesmen). The other one might be the redeeming character and how much do you wanna bet she is majorly regretting this show…shes’ actually really cute too.

    • NonSobriety says:

      After watching this trainwreck for years I now wonder if that time ever existed, or if it was really just the time before I understood The Cray Below The Surface.

      • Peltergeist says:

        I don’t think that time actually existed. A ton of her NYC-era “Internet famous” crap was her telling people these things about herself and people being too busy or willfully ignorant to do their homework. I think a lot of people found her idiocy and brass balls amusing because they thought it was an act and that she was going somewhere with it. When they found out that wasn’t true, it was too late. As many have mentioned, her only real talent in life is cockroach-strength self-promotion.

        • Kissy Face to a Crowd of Crickets says:

          in the fall of 2007 i feel like some people thought she had it going on. New York Mag did a piece on her (my first introduction to the Donks) and they were sort of in awe of her fame-whore personality…they seemed to think it was an act and that she had the goods to back it up. they were giving her cred for showing her ass in the condom fairy outfit and sort of owning her whole thang. things fell apart in the year that followed.

          • Kissy Face to a Crowd of Crickets says:

            sorry, the piece was actually on Gawker and Emily Gould. But Jabbers was a big part of it. anyone remember that article?

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          OMG YES! If she even had a modicum of work ethic she could have really wrangled the hype into some type of sustaining career. She’s content to see her tits and ass all over the blogoshpere, but how dare you expect her to work and develop her skill set.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        She did once have a well paying job and a degree of media presence, but she pissed it all away with her laziness and shitty behavior.

  12. Donkeycam now! says:

    Instant results are not always the best results. Avoid instant coffee, it tastes foul.

    If your desires were always fulfilled immediately, you would be so fat you would be unable to leave your house.

    There are some good things you can have instantly, but pizza delivery is not one of them.

    You deserve more than mere instant gratification. Be willing to take the time, and the pizza will arrive.

    Value that arrives in an instant is probably going to be gone in an instant: always go for the pepperoni slices first.

    Dream, plan, prepare and persist in your efforts for the long haul: keep takeout menus attached to your fridge with magnets at all times.

  13. Patricia Grace says:

    As someone who has worked in production (in front of and behind the camera) you want to be friends/nice to everyone in the crew because basically — they are the people who make you look good! It’s not brain surgery…

    Plus, I have to say, the camera crews I have worked with on shoots are the nicest, funnest, most creative people I know. They are going to make her look like a night-mare in the edit suite, I can sense it.

    • Delurked says:

      this. crews fucking rule. i’ve had some of the most fun times on what would otherwise be absolutely MISERABLE shoots because of the people i was working with. she’s such an idiot.

  14. anon says:

    Does anyone know who this is?


  15. JuLIAR Allison (will never the learn button) says:

    Is there any way those of us not on US soil can see the Bravo preview? I’m dying to see the cray.

  16. diluted brain says:

    What’s with the turning FB into a blog? I don’t know why she’d ever give up the ever popular, fuck you $ making website, nonsociety.

    • pearipathetic donkey says:

      I guess her fans in the Stans can’t navigate a sideways scrolling tumblr.

      • Jack the Velveeta Bulldog says:

        I certainly never had the patience. That and I didn’t want to give her page views.

  17. Braying me softly says:

    “Me: One of the guys I’m dating texted me – and I’m QUOTING – “I’m not kidding when I say I have sociopathic tendencies, my dear.”
    Via Strong: Subtle.
    Me: The f–ked up part is that IT DIDN’T IN ANY WAY DISSUADE ME!! You know how you see a wounded baby wild animal and you want to take it home and nurse it back to health? But you know that instead you should take it to a shelter …
    Via: … to be euthanized? Yeah.
    Me: Yeah. Sigh.”

    Say what, now?

    • juliaspublicist says:

      Did she go on a date with a mirror?

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      Apologies to the dude if he really does have sociopathic tendencies, but this sounds like “what the hell can I tell her to make her leave me alone.”

    • JFA says:

      She’s hilarious. I really really LOVE this whole “one of the guys I am dating” bit she is playing lately. It’s hilarious. I know I keep mentioning it because it never fails to tickle my funny bone.

      Going on one/two/three dates with someone who never becomes anything more does not equal dating. Not sure where you learned “dating” but pretty sure a “dating columnist” should know this shit.

      Also, her bon mots are not at all funny. She really gets a kick out of herself though, at least.

      Wow. I like how she’s trying to spin her failures at dating into a cute and quirky character trait though. She’s so fun! She’s so zany! All the guys she is “dating” are such cards! Won’t she ever find love?! (But seriously THEY are the problem)

      • JFA says:

        Yeah because pretty sure if he (or any of these guys who don’t exist) were guys you were “dating” you might not want to “blog” about “them” because they would “not want to date you after.” Typically how that works.

        So, pretty sure this “guy” who you weren’t really “dating” is no longer a “guy you are dating” now since you just told fucking 20,000 twatter followers about his shenanigans, and belittled him. So put him as an “ex” in your master spreadsheet of guys you have “dated.” He’s “gone.”

        Sorry I can’t anymore!

        • pearipathetic donkey says:

          Yeah she expects us to believe she is dating after filming is over. What’s the incentive for the guys now?

    • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

      I thought Shere Khan was dead.

  18. RollsRoyceRevenge says:

    Completely OT but is it just me or did every single person at the Met’s costume shindig this year look like absolute pillars of shit?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Nah, Marc Jacobs looked like shit in a lacy sack, and Kirsten Dunst looked like Mrs. Bad Santa.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        I couldn’t fucking believe Marc Jacobs. How do people like this manage to catch taxis and flush toilets and get the fork in their mouth and not their eye?

        I think Donna Karan was the worst. Bitch, you are a fashion designer. If your boobs look like they’re making a break for Mexico in the dress you have on, take the dress off and get another one.

        • JFA says:

          Beyonce rankled too. You are gorgeous we get it, you’ve lost the baby weight in 3 seconds, please put your ass away. Don’t even get me started on Coco Rocha, Chloe Sevingy and the Trollson twin.

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            That dress she wore the other night was GOD-AWFUL.

          • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

            The Trollson Twins is my new hair band.

            That twit looked mental. Like Grey Gardens levels of catlady koo-koo.

            Fashion trends that evidently will be sweeping the world:

            Trains dragging across the floor (ick!)
            Orange as a red-carpet event color
            See-through pubic-hair lace
            Pigeon toes and clompers (fancy Messica being avant-garde)
            Humorless, dour facial expressions

    • Donkeycam Now! says:

      Yes, and they did not even have many a-listers this year.

      Anna Wintour is soooooo last season.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      I have a question: Why so many feathers???!??! It seemed almost every dress had feathers. Ugh.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge says:

        The only time I’d wear feathers would be with tar, and even that would not be voluntary.

  19. Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

    That model (Anja somefing?) in white with the jutting hipbone, no undies, – what a hideous, ill-fitting dress. She got the attention she wanted I guess, but I wouldn’t be smiling like that designer, it was just terrible.

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