Everything Back To Normal

 

Donkey has now moved into the “I Don’t Really Give A Shit Because I Can’t Milk This For Sympathy Anymore So I’ll Go Back To Playing Adolescent Games With Boys” stage of grief and is back to fretting about how to behave on a date. You hear that, JellyD? You may not be interested in her but obviously other people are!

Alternate theory: She’s crowd-sourcing yet again for that supposed “advice column” she’s writing for Elle. But seriously, why would anyone take love advice from a 31-year-old woman who has frightened away every man she’s gone out with for the past five years? Is there ANY relationship that she’s ended?

JuliaAllison: Soooo … What’s the biggest mistake you can make on a date? 

JuliaAllison: What was the craziest question you’ve ever been asked on a date & what was your response?

Also, watch out Sarah Christine from Chicago, and your 972 followers, who responded this way re: Donkey’s disappointed-sounding Tweet that Granny was not supposed to live beyond a few more days but is hanging on. Sigh.

sarahchristine: @JuliaAllison what a cunt you are.

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69 Responses to Everything Back To Normal

  1. Life_Is_Unfair says:

    Oh, honey..

  2. HollyO says:

    What a cunt she is.

  3. 1. Dating Julia Allison
    2. “Will you buy me five dresses?” “Will you fly all my friends to St. Barth’s?” “What’s your address? I need to change my magazine subscriptions.”

    My response was, oh, a fairly normal cycling through the 23 stages of grief over loss of my dignity and any privacy from here on out.

    [Julia Allison’s exes all answer her twittersourcing]

  4. Scooby Don't says:

    JuliaAllison: Soooo … What’s the biggest mistake you can make on a date?
    Hey dumbass, why don’t you read your own articles?
    http://www.juliaallison.com/articles/2006/10/mens_health.html#more

    Oh that’s right you’re an attention whore who can’t live without attention from on-line strangers.

    • Who do you think you are? says:

      I love that bragging and being rude to anyone are on a Don’t list written by the worlds most tacky bragger and rudest asshole.

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Rules are for other people, not for Julia!!! Why can’t you angry haters understand this simple concept??

  5. Tribune Slingbacks says:

    How in Nutty Granny Moneybags’s name is she not bored to death of dating (and talking about dating) yet? Dating is so goddamn dull at the best of times.

  6. Pukeowksi says:

    I’m married – that would freak her out.

  7. Cardinal X. says:

    Sarah Christine Fan Club, Roman branch is now forming. Loooooove!

  8. Shamoolia says:

    I don’t even know Sarah Christine, but based on who she follows on Twitter, I love her. Julia, don’t mess with girls from the south. They will devour you like a Whole Foods chocolate bar.

    • ShesJustStupid says:

      I don’t see that comment on Sarah Christine’s twitter feed. Did she take it down?

      • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

        Looks like she nuked it. I wonder if she got a DM from a Donkey.

        • vapidcunts says:

          I’m Sarah (Christine). Always lurker, occasional commenter. I nuked it because I was waiting on the impending bray and had posted it while wine-drunk after seeing her tweet about the few days to live originally which — GROSS.

          • iblow4shoes says:

            [img]http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyy212bD7w1qfjjglo1_400.gif[/img]

            If I wasn’t married I’d be stalking you. I loved that tweet!

          • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

            I LOVE YOU

          • vapidcunts says:

            And now looking back on it, what I should have said was “what a tremendous cunt you are.”

            You live, you learn. Well Julia doesn’t.

          • Mini Driver says:

            I fucking love that it was vapidcunts who addressed Julia as a cunt. Talk about a positive identification. My own grandmama always said it takes one to know one.

    • I’m in Chicago and I now want to be her best friend. 🙂

      • Shamoolia says:

        Me too! (Sorry to online stalk you Sarah) but I fucking LOVED her post about Atlanta. Um…. do we know each other? It feels like it.
        http://sarahchristine.com/post/19281465799/atlanta-forever

        • vapidcunts says:

          Do we know each other? Are you an ATLien? (Glad you liked it, the city is awesome… though it has its issues.)

          • Shamoolia says:

            Hi vapidcunts! I recognize your (awesome) username. You’ve been around here a long time.

            Yes, I am an ATLien, but I don’t think we know each other (I think I’m older than you). However, we share the same trajectory that about every other youngish, white Atlanta person does. Burbs! UGA! Buckhead! Burn out on Buckhead! (RIP Buckhead) Mature into Decatur! You’re right about it being a small town and everyone knowing everyone. That’s probably why it feels like I know you.

            The city is gorgeous this time of year, pollen and all. I freaking love it when all the dogwoods and azaleas are in bloom.

          • vapidcunts says:

            I know! I love spring in Atlanta before it gets super intensely hot. I’ve only been in Chicago since 2/1 of this year so still a bit homesick. Luckily Chicago is pretty gorgeous/awesome too with some unseasonable warmth.

          • These Hooves Were Made for Walking says:

            Holy shit, maybe we know each other? Quite a few mutual friends on FB (sorry to online stalk you too 🙂

            Great post! I’m born and raised intown ATL and spent quite a bit of time in East Cobb with the Walton crowd in h.s. Now in SF. “Atlanta is a great place to come into your own” and “It’s not too big to be a big fish in a medium pond. It’s a great size for making a difference” — nailed it.

          • Pink Palatian says:

            There are at least three other catladies I’ve met via the twitters… I’m yellowbird73 if you need some help acclimating to Chicago, etc.

  9. WP says:

    I’m in the “what up with her encephalitic gourd?” stage of WTF?

    • Dyspeptic says:

      Ah, sweet LOLly memories of Megster’s gourd noggin. Although hers was never encephalitic, just voidy.

      • Bunburying says:

        That was the comment on RBNS/RBD (can’t remember which) that continues to make me laugh the most. Who wrote that they were going to use her gourd head as a drum? My, that was brilliant.

        • ShesJustStupid says:

          It was flatface. And I agree–one of my all time favorite comments. Something about tapping gently on her gourd head.

          • Frequent Liar Miles says:

            Maybe “tapping out a gentle rhythm on her gourd head.” Whatever, I can never see a picture of her without imagining that (sound effects included.)

  10. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Response to Julia’s first question: traveling hours and hours to go see a romantic interest you barely know is a pretty huge mistake. It makes you look desperate and shows that you have far too much free time.

    • Andy Wintour hacks (up a furball) says:

      And of course she has to play it down by “GIRLS ROAD TRIP!” Yeah, nice cover up.

      Mistake #2: was assuming it was a date at all.

      • Andy Wintour hacks (up a furball) says:

        And now she’s justifying her trip as denying the universe…

        @JuliaAllison
        “When one struggles against the moment, one actually struggles against the entire universe.” – @MarieForleo

        The moment was planned weeks ago!

        • Scooby Don't says:

          Figures Donkey would latch on to Marie Forleo.
          She’s who Donkey wants to be redux.
          Author of http://www.amazon.com/Make-Every-Man-Want-You/dp/0071597816/ref=pd_sim_b_4
          The most helpful customer review posted on Amazon says it all.

          • ShesJustStupid says:

            I swear, the twitter “about” sections of everyone she knows just kill me.

            Who is marieforleo?
            Location: West Village, NYC

            Bio: CEO | Multi-Passionate Entrepreneur I’ll Turn You Rich Happy & Hot W/a Badass Combo Of Marketing Wisdom, Spiritual Power Tools & Irresistible Booty Moves.

          • ScoobyDont says:

            Will she help me lower my cholesterol too?

          • I have a wart that needs a power tool.

          • Ineffably protracted cankle says:

            This woman sounds like a power tool

          • Albie Quirky says:

            Grifty grifty grifty guru! Right up A Donkey’s alley. So she’s going to follow Forleo’s advice to become irresistible, Annie Lalla’s advice to be a sex goddess, and Alexis Neely’s advice not to pay her bills.

          • Albie Quirky says:

            And the whole thing will only take four hours thanks to her friend Dim Ferrett.

          • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

            Understandable that she pays attention to Ferret. He polls very well with her weasel constituents.

          • Life_Is_Unfair says:

            Ha!

            marieforleo: @juliaallison so great to see you yesterday!!!! 🙂 ·

          • She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

            Multi-Passionate
            Is that like bi-sexual? Except more?

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

          “When one struggles against the moment, one actually struggles against the entire universe.”

          TRANSBRAYTION:
          “Don’t fight True Love, Jelly D! I read The Secret! I put my intentions of finding a wallet out into the universe. The universe, Jelly D, the goddamn UNIVERSE!! It’s called: The Law of Attraction — Dad$er says you can’t fight the law, the law always wins, & he should know! (Did you know that Dad$er went to Princeton?) I’ll tell you like I told my dying granny: Quit struggling! Take my calls!”

  11. JuliaCleaver says:

    You know with the the Tech Start-UP Scene heating up money wise in Chicago its surprising she has not figured out how to insert herself into that scene..

  12. Chemo says:

    PHDONK MIDTERM – MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION
    Choose the most best correctest answer. Use a #3 pencil.
    If you don’t have a #3 pencil, one will not be provided to you and you will fail. Keep your answers to yourself. If you are stumped, a key may be provided in the forum.

    1) During what event did Julia Allison put down her iPhone?
    a) while giving a speech at her brother’s wedding
    b) nature walk at an ashram in the woods
    c) anytime she is “wheels up” in aircraft
    d) attending her grandmother’s deathbed
    e) reading Jack McCain’s email without his permission

    2) Julia’s favorite fashion designer is
    a) Gucci
    b) Coochi
    c) Betsy Johnson
    d) Osh Kosh B’Gosh
    e) Vera Wang

    3) Video exists of Julia doing all of the following except
    a) showing off a birthday cake made of chicken
    b) dancing on stage during the father of the bride dance at her brother’s wedding
    c) asking stanley tucci about “hot women” right after his wife died of cancer
    d) a lipdub to 4 Non Blondes in a skilift, filmed by her father.
    e) keeping her mouth closed for sixty seconds

    4) Julia confessed on twitter she would give blowjobs for:
    a) gold earrings
    b) a pair of shoes
    c) freshwater pearls
    d) plastic surgery
    e) “7 seconds of airtime”

    5) What traumatic family secret did Julia reveal to the world in order to win a twitter fight?
    a) a murder
    b) a rape
    c) father’s homosexuality
    d) miscarriage
    e) family is actually “new money”

    6) Julia refers to her brother, Britton, using what deragotory nickname?
    a) “needle dick”
    b) “race traitor”
    c) “my little pony”
    d) “my little brother”
    e) “Twit”

    7) Julia’s sister in Law, Allie, is a heavenly creature full of grace, style, and patience. Given the following options, what is the most likely way GMB would describe her race?
    a) black
    b) muslim
    c) terrorist
    d) half-white

    8) Julia’s brother Brit is currently….
    a) applying for the Witness Protection Program
    b) studying nuclear psychopharmacology at Princeton
    c) reading “The Young Poisoner’s Handbook”
    d) studying quantum mechanics at MIT
    e) it’s unclear because Brit doesn’t share on the internet and Julia can’t be trusted

    9) Julia’s father took a picture of Julia in an orange dress mounting a giant:
    a) founder
    b) concrete tiger
    c) erect wooden penis on a fertility statue
    d) digital nomad
    e) atomic bomb mockup at the museum of flight

    reply with your own #10)…

    • JuliaCleaver says:

      10) Which minority does Donkey hate?

      a) blacks
      b) browns
      c) asians
      d) homosapiens
      e all of the above

    • dd says:

      I love all of this

    • [MATH SECTION STARTS HERE]

      10. The pie chart that most resembles Julia’s ability to plan, follow-through, and complete a task (any task! Loading a dishwasher? Keeping a friend? Keeping her twunt hole shut? Doing mountain or corpse pose? Attaining frequent flyer gold status?) would look like:
      a. A perfect golden halo (100% complete)
      b. A pac-man (hey we all have our challenges)
      c. A quarter moon (well she did finish all those chocolate bars)
      d. A flat line, like Granny’s heart monitor

      • Bi-coastal Birthday Chicken (افغانی ) (AFGHANI) says:

        Answer D is so mean, but so indisputably correct.

    • Bi-coastal Birthday Chicken (افغانی ) (AFGHANI) says:

      1) During what event did Julia Allison put down her iPhone?
      e) reading Jack McCain’s email without his permission
      –> because she had to put the phone down to use his computer

      2) Julia’s favorite fashion designer is
      c) Betsy Johnson

      3) Video exists of Julia doing all of the following except
      e) keeping her mouth closed for sixty seconds

      4) Julia confessed on twitter she would give blowjobs for:
      b) a pair of shoes

      5) What traumatic family secret did Julia reveal to the world in order to win a twitter fight?
      b) a rape

      6) Julia refers to her brother, Britton, using what deragotory nickname?
      d) “my little brother”

      7) Julia’s sister in Law, Allie, is a heavenly creature full of grace, style, and patience. Given the following options, what is the most likely way GMB would describe her race?
      d) half-white
      –> not really half “white” to GMB, because her “white” half is Jewish (her dad)

      Julia’s brother Brit is currently….
      d) studying quantum mechanics at MIT

      9) Julia’s father took a picture of Julia in an orange dress mounting a giant:
      b) concrete tiger
      –> those tiger statutes are not made of concrete, they’re scuplted out of marble, IIRC. (source: some friends and I urinated on them on the way back to Matthey College one night in soph yr. they didn’t absorb piss like concrete would.)

    • JFA says:

      Comment Hall of Fame.

    • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

      Chemo, I bow down. I would blow you for nothing for providing this entertainment.

    • Bi-coastal Birthday Chicken (افغانی ) (AFGHANI) says:

      Which of the following are NOT true occurrences in the life of A Donkey:

      i) Forced her “sisters” to attend vacations on her fuckbuddy’s family’s yacht and at his ski lodge
      ii) Posted hate-filled screeds and pictures of a black female after said female had the audacity to talk on her phone during a BoltBus trip
      iii) Thrown Lilly (sic) on the floor during a 5am manic “authenticity” video
      iv) Found out that her former agent fucked and impregnated one of her more vocal “haters”
      v) Attended the Deballage in Skokie, IL in 2011 to meet “powerful moms with fantastic sons”
      vi) Ran away frightened from a fried food stand at a Chicago fair, post a blog seeming to indicate she was bothered by being around too many minorities
      vii) Received lingerie deliveries from Dadster in her college dorm
      viii) Attend Indiana University, leave after 1 semester, and vow to NEVER discuss it
      ix) Went to Paris with her long time friends from New Trier HS
      x) Sent flowers to herself and blog that they were from “a boy”
      xi) Attend the Komen Walk for the Cure with her friend Rachel Billow
      xii) Remarked during an interview that she would be selling NonSociety within 3 years for “fuck you money”
      xiii) Revealed personal information about Jordan & Kendrick to her “haters” to try to make herself look better

      A) iii, iv, v, vii, xii
      B) vi, ix, xi
      C) v, ix, xi
      D) v, ix,
      E) All are true

  13. Effervescent Suppositories says:

    Dating Expert?
    A HAHAHHAHHARR!!
    Oh, you’re being serious?
    Let me laugh even harder.
    A HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAR!!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FopyRHHlt3M

  14. KashMoney says:

    the fact that my pic became a post header here totally makes my day!!!

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