Donkey Never Fails To Meet Our Absolute Lowest Expectations


Sorry, haters, I’ve been away for a few days so let me get this straight: She leaves SXSW five days ago in true Drama Queen fashion. She Tweets and FBs for days that Granny is basically on her deathbed. She and Britt have been summoned home and will be there for at least a week. She FBs about being in the “anger stage of grief,” Tweets MOTHERFUCKING PSALMS and plays dirge-like music to her grandmother, whom she describes as practically being comatose and at death’s door. And, oh yeah, she also asks how to go about becoming an angel investor while implying Granny’s death is imminent because Donkey is all class and just. so. nice.

And then one night she eats a jar of chocolate syrup. Which means, basically: “Fuck Grandmother and this goddamned family obligations shit, I’m going back to L.A. where my bonerack room-mate who eats nothing but kale and seeds doesn’t stock POISON THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL in the (second) fridge the way my asshole family does! How dare they!!!”

And away she goes without a single mention of Granny, what happened, her condition, her family, etc.

But of course that’s because she has more important things to do. Planning a OMG ROAD TRIP OMG OMG so she can star in a JellyD YouTube music video in a thrilling event that will likely show up on a lame-ass reality show that almost no one will ever watch. Priorities, she has them.

Doing a roadtrip up to SF next weekend with girlfriends & want to rent the right vehicle for it. Any suggestions?? Convertible vs SUV?

Tough luck, NuttyGrannyMoneybags. Hope you’re feeling better. Your lunatic grand-daughter had sub-D-List fame and yet another dude to chase.


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245 Responses to Donkey Never Fails To Meet Our Absolute Lowest Expectations

  1. hey hey cray cray says:

    are we surprised at this point?


  2. Who do you think you are? says:

    Well, to be honest, I think Nutty Granny would approve if it means Donkey finally lands a man. I mean, right?

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      This dude has no interest in getting serious about a donkey. None whatsoever.

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        Good for him. I’ve been serious about the donkey for years now and look what it’s gotten me.

      • The Picture of Whorian Bray (also known as Stripper Shoes) says:

        Is he really putting her in a video? Please please please be kidding.

      • Skirt Pull says:

        Seriously, as someone who has met this JellyD person before and seen him perform, I am absolutely amazed that she’s going for it.

    • Fake Kidney Infucktion says:

      So sad (so fat!) that her family is OK with her dick chasing because they realize that’s the only way she’ll ever be “independent”

      • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

        Imagining, just for a moment, in some bizarre alternate universe where even the most horrible people on earth find someone to marry them, that for whatever reason jellyd wanted to put a ring on it…

        Do we have any indication whatsoever that he would be her ticket to ‘independence’ or keep her in the fashion to which she has become accustomed?

        He is a rapping doughnut who is apparently small time enough to be pandering for time on her shitty reality show. Like, unless he is secretly a prince or something, this isn’t going to net her anything more than a yeast infection.

        • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

          Mcakez – she is in over her head with this one. This guy is a total hipster who can put his dick in anything. He is not going to want to get with a shrill muppet face. I this this guy is close to Codename TK – that hip, tall guy that she gets interested in because he’s not so into her and it gets all her scheme juices going. If she can bag him then she’s really something.

          The thing is, she is ten faces away from when she was somewhat cute with Codename TK (albeit the orange hair and arches of doom). She doesn’t drink, she doesn’t do drugs, she doesn’t smoke, she listens to Disney music.

          He is using her while banging lots of other girls. He’ll be done with her the second the cameras stop rolling.

  3. The Picture of Whorian Bray (also known as Stripper Shoes) says:

    I am floored. How can she have tweeted all that shit about the Nutty Granny bedside vigil and then totally just changed course with nary a word about Nutty Granny’s vital signs? Does she think no one will notice? Talk about ADD.

    Obviously, I do not have my PhDonk because this is so shocking to me. I’ve said this before and I will say it again: I wish I could unknow what I know about this bitch. I feel like a worse human being just for sharing the same planet as her.

    • KashMoney says:

      it’s not ADD, it’s NPD.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      I am so angry at her now. Angry angry angry.

    • Sausage curls/fingers says:

      I’m new to Nevering the Donkey and I’m just floored by this. I don’t know if I should prepare for this to be the norm or if this is some kind of shocking new low for everyone.

      • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

        I’m relatively new, myself, but I’ve been through some pretty crass times (“I was inside!” stands out.) I still cannot wrap my head around exploiting her grandmother’s illness for sympathy, playing funeral songs to hasten her departure to death, then bailing suddenly for cock and attention.

        Perhaps I am ‘internalizing,’ but I have a full-time job it is difficult to put on hold, and a grandmother with terminal cancer. I have talked about my job here, but not my grandma’s illness, and my work is an obstacle (along with distance) that prevents me from spending time with my grandmother in what is — by doctor’s estimates — her last year on this earth.

        Julia has no job to interfere with her spending time with her grandmother IF she is in her final days (I think she is not), and no fucking decency or decorum enough to stop herself from wailing about it on social media for attention. In fact, Julia played the entire thing up like mad.

        She is probably seething that Granny might pull through, and outraged that she had the nerve to persevere to keep Julia away from the inheritance and attention for which she is salivating.

        I am so fucking disgusted right now. I. Just. FUCKING. KANT.

  4. "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

    Theory: She exaggerated her grandmother’s illness for sympathy and to get out of sticking around SXSW for Toilet Julia’s music “showcase”. She got shut out of the best parties, no invites to anything worth attending in Austin, and the prospect of the focus being on Flusher Price was too much to handle. She peaced out after garnering as much sympathy as possible, as sociopaths always do.

    • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

      Which is also why she was so pissed off about the Jet Blue $100 change fee — she thought she’d get away with lying about a “family emergency” and change for free. You know how sick fucks get really angry and lash out at the person they’re lying to WHILE they’re lying? C’est Donk.

      • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

        You just described every alcoholic I’ve ever known, every drug addict, every ragehole, every abuser. If she’s ever in a long-term relationship with another person he will lose his ever-lovin’ mind. She must, must not have children.

        • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

          Dishonesty — with herself, with others — is her biggest problem. She lives out all the lies she tells herself. Her rage is inevitable.

          • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

            Can you think of anything more exhausting? Could there be a more exhausting way of life than to be one of The People of the Lie?

        • AFGHANI says:

          These people rarely (never?) control their own destiny and seldom work it out such that the short term gains from sympathy even approach the long term gains from being an upstanding, reliable, essentially good (even if flawed) person. I see this in divorce cases and in evictions a lot. Sympathy sympathy me me me me… it works for a while, but no one who is worth anything as a person puts up these losers for long.

      • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

        Jet Blue ‘screwing’ her out of $100 during a ‘family emergency’ is the new $8 grapefruit. HOW DARE THEY? DON’T THEY KNOW WHO JULIA ALLISON IS?

        It’s an EMERGENCY! She needs to get to her grandma’s bedside to tweet about her stages of grief and play dirges and plan how to spend her inheritance and flit away again for a video shoot!!! This is important shit, people!

        You shitheads! Expect to be eviscerated in her grudge-avenging relationship column in Elle in ten months!!!!!!!

        • 11th Wang says:

          When my grandfather was dying, I bought a $1000 plane ticket home and didn’t even fucking ask about a bereavement discount because I was too upset to interact with any human, much less a sales agent. He died mid-flight. It sucked.

          • Already Pantless says:

            Oh, 11th Wang, that is terrible, so sorry (so fat) to hear about that.

            Being pantless as it were, I had nothing to wear to my grandfather’s funeral, and not much time to get something. I marched right to a Brooks Brothers and said “Suit me up,” never even looking at the price till I signed the bill. It was the most expensive thing I’d ever bought but seriously that seems so abstract in the moment.

            (BTW they were awesome and did the alterations on the spot).

    • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

      The word is that she knew about Granny Nuttybag’s illness before she ever left for SXSW, which means she not only used it as an excuse for blowing off SXSW after everyone and their brother ignored her begging tweets to hang out, but that she did so only after first blowing off grandma for SXSW.

      If you’re correct in your inference, then she would have hung around SXSW indefinitely, blowing granny off even longer, maybe not even done her whirlwind, exaggerated “Feel sorry for ME!” trip to Chi, as she is now blowing granny off to blow a poor musician (multiple implications in that term.)

      That is a lot of blowing, even for A Donkey, especially without any shoes in sight.

      Goddamn she blows.

      • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

        I can’t believe I missed an opportunity to throw in ‘everyone at SXSW blew her off.’ I guess that euphemism just doesn’t come to mind as naturally as it does when it comes to Julia’s indiscriminate whoring (attention and otherwise.)

        I’m actually really disgusted by this whole thing, and wonder if it might not be the thing that makes me want to abandon this shitshow entirely. She is like (or whatever has replaced it — /b/, maybe?) — just because something that disgusting exists doesn’t mean I should subject myself to it.

    • Sausage curls/fingers says:

      That scenario would require her parents and brother to look on while she just blatantly lied all over the internet about what should be a somber and private family issue. The sad thing is, it’s not even like that component makes it unlikely. I doubt she’d be phased if her family caught her using her grandmother as a way to lie for attention/her own gain. So sad.

      • My company worked with Julia Allison -- NEVER AGAIN says:

        Look very closely at what she posted online. Nowhere did she say her grandmother was dying. This is legalese at its finest.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

          Right. She could blame the mis-use of ‘hospice’ on auto-correct, if called out on it.

          Except. Little Bother did fly in, after all.

          Maybe hospice was ‘real’, as in a respite for caregivers &/or while home health-type care was being set up?

    • miss cankles says:

      I think this is a great theory, but I believe she was able to get out of being in Chicago right now b/c she lied and made this JellyD video shoot out to be “work” and that she *had* to go.

  5. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Something about Jelly D’s winky-winky look-at-me no really look at me I’ll be funny in just a sec reminds me of Chuck Barris, the guy who hosted The Gong Show.

    This could be a match made in Hee Haw heaven.

  6. Kissy Face to a Crowd of Crickets says:

    I don’t get this, though I’ve been following the Donk shitshow for years. I honestly get leaving before Granny has passed on, especially if they have figured out that it might be awhile yet and therefore not worth everyone’s putting their lives on hold for the longterm. Or maybe if Granny is so far gone that it isn’t going to help to have Julia right there by her side. I get it! IF….she would provide some sort of update or explanation to follow up her tweets and fb statuses from a few days ago, where she was basically “grieving.” But to go from that to “woo-hoo road trip!!!” What the ever-loving fuck!?!?!

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Exactly. She was polluting her Twitter stream and her FB wall while officially in the “anger stage of grief” just a couple of days ago. Now she’s WOOHOOing about a road trip without any explanation. Huh. I wonder why she has haters? Or why those who follow her soon become haters? Or why people think she’s fucking INSANE?

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

        Donkey is officially in the WooHoo Road Trip! stage of grief.

      • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

        I wonder what she will change the links to in six months when she is over-dramatically grieving about a boy/her pedicure/the cancellation of Glee/whatever, a la the old Prom King/Pancakes switcheroo? Oh, wait, she never lifecasts at her groundbreaking sideways scrolling nonsociety hobby blog anymore, so I guess that isn’t an issue.

        She has the attention span of a retarded juvenile gnat.

    • Dyspeptic says:

      Yeah, it’s the 180 from psalm-dirgin’ to “woo-hoo road trip!” that has me reeling. Even with an advanced degree in Donkey Studies I got nowhere to put this.

  7. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Don’t you angry haters know that people only exist when Julia Allison has a use for them? You’re just imaginary people writing about Julia’s imaginary grandmother. It’s all very Berkeleyan.

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      The former Julia In My Life used to chap my ass so severely, and what saved my sanity was a friend who, every time I began to complain about the JIML would say, “No one else is real to her.” If I argued, “Yes, but listen to this other thing she did,” my friend would say, “She did nothing to you, because you don’t exist to her.” It took FOREVER for this to sink in for me, because I am a dimwit, but damn if that doesn’t sum up the Julias. We can complicate or try to nuance their behaviors but they are actually hideously simple. NO ONE ELSE EXISTS TO THEM.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

        OMG!Randi! WhatsHerTeeth who?

      • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

        So you don’t like being treated like an object, eh? Who asked you, anyway? 😉

      • Ex Spurt says:

        Empathy, she has none.

        As someone who has done palliative nursing in the past, and seen the weird and whacky in families at their finest (and sometimes ugliest moments), I tried not to be Judgy McJudgerson, despite it all being about Donk, just glad the old dame had her family there, whether she was in a hospice bed for respite or final days.

        And we shouldn’t have been surprised that Donkfuckhead just flitted off… she never finishes anything.

        What has been glaringly obvious throughout the last week is her total absence of empathy. I feel for her family. Imagine what she’s going to be like at 40. They are stuck with her for life. There’s not going to be any husband (not that there’s anything wrong with that, unless you’re a Donk), friends or marketable skills. That assisted living facility is going to come into its own.

  8. Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

    It’s very sad that there once was a time when men were pursuing a Donkey, buying her dresses and taking her on theme dates and flying from different cities just to take her out – and now it is a Donkey pursuing these men with desperate promises to make it worth their while by getting them on the TVs.

    Donkey… your life is so pathetic.

  9. Barf In The Second Fridge says:

    music video? that’s so 90s.

  10. Barf In The Second Fridge says:

    it’s pretty simple, idiot. take the car you currently drive, unless it doesn’t fit the amount of people going with you. in which case, rent an SUV. and driving down the 5 north from LA to SF is hardly a roadtrip. unless of course you plan on stopping in bakersfield to smell the cow shit.

    • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

      Julia will probably stop outside Hanford, inhale (then whine about) the smell of death in the air, eat at that one Angus restaurant and bitch about their lack of Veggie/gluten/dairy/sugar-free food and then head over to Love’s Travel Stop and buy every single piece of stupid Love/heart emblazoned souvenir junk available. Or at least take instagrams with it.

      I might be conflating some of the stops. It’s been a long time since I made that drive. It still sucks, though.

  11. Pukeowksi says:

    I hope it rains all the way up the coast.

    • zandra says:

      I hope they get a flat tyre.

      • She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

        I hope they get pulled over at every speed trap.

        • Albie Quirky says:

          By cops who are gay men, straight ladies, and/or straight men and lesbians with taste, so that their embarrassing attempts to flirt their way out of tickets will be met only with disbelieving stares.

          • Stripper Shoes of Whorian Bray says:

            She failed to flirt her way out of a recent one. Never forget.

          • LEFOOLIEH says:

            She failed to convince the meter maid that she was twee and innocent (and it was just a matter of deleting/voiding the entry) outside Gawker’s offices. No appreciation for the Georgetown (Indiana: The Lost Years #never4get) cheerleading costume whatsoever! #RUDE
            Also, a donkey gets heckled throughout.

  12. Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

    PS is a Donkey on the outs with Greasy? He’s not following her on Twitter and she hasn’t been giving him shout outs or hee haws lately…?

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      He is following her on Twitter. She’s at the very end of his list of followers, meaning he was following her first.

      • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

        Damn… I swear I searched but only on my mobile and sometimes it will cut pages out… so sorry so fat!

    • She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

      Well she’s on the outs with Randi and pissed off all of his friends so I’m guessing he’s not itching the hang out with her anymore.

      • DonnieDriveBy says:

        he’s not itching the hang out with her anymore.

        There’s a cream for that.

        • Andy Wintour hacks (up a furball) says:

          There is caulk for that. I’d save the luxury stuff for the windows, though.

  13. mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

    Seriously, in ways I cannot explain (mostly because they’ve been covered in depth here), this is lowest than the fucking low. There are not words (ineffable, bunnies!) for how disgusting her behavior has been for the last week.

    I understand that we are the custodians of her memories and therefore more invested, and the internets have a short attention span, but how does she manage any opportunities behaving like this? How can she be so fucking ignorant to her own abhorrent behavior? How can her family, friends, and business cohorts?

    Julia Allison is the broken particles of crap upon which catfish and other bottom-feeders sustain. She is Casey Anthony with worse looks and less class. She is the shit-filled vessel in “Two Girls, One Cup,” but minus the charm, viral notoriety, or appeal.

    Julia Allison, of soon-to-be Bravo fame, exploited the near-death of her grandmother for the sympathy of a bunch of paid-for followers in impoverished nations before ditching her to get fucked by a guy who dresses up like a doughnut to rap and is using her for her stupid reality show.

    She isn’t scraping the bottom of the barrel. She is spooning out the contents of her own rectum to make more room to jam her head further up her own ass.

    Where is the nearest landfill? A shower is not enough to contain the vom I have for this woman right now.

  14. KashMoney says:

    the one silver lining is this: her “friendship cycles” are shorter and shorter. she is burning through relationships at a faster and faster rate, and soon she will be beyond alone. as in, literally no one to talk to. compare the last 3 birthdays. her circle is shrinking at an exponential rate.

    i also can bet she will be a mega-pariah in reality-tv famewhore circles, who will regard her as a nothing nobody from a failed series no one had heard of. they will treat her worse than we do.

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      This. Plus she used the “my friend Randi” card on people who otherwise would have moved on fast.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

      … her “friendship cycles” are shorter and shorter …

      Like other cycles she burns through faster than a box of chocolates ….
      She’s in officially in the third stage of pearidonkopausal (& post-hawt)

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

      This is especially poignant to me because I’m leaving in the morning to spend a week in the town where I grew up with a woman who has been my closest friend for 42 years. We haven’t ever had a falling out in that time, either, not through teenaged pregnancies (both of us), remarriages, more children, college and graduate school and various illness, the loss of family members. My life would be bereft without her.

  15. JFA says:

    I don’t. Understand. The car tweet. It’s a humblebrag obviously, but what the fuck advice would someone have about a car? DO YOU WANT A CONVERTIBLE OR AN SUV. Jesus. What does she want people to do, send her the benefits of each? Just an excuse to post that she has friends.

    I can’t take her.

    • JFA says:

      “HI, Julia! I’m a loyal fan and reader. So, with a convertible, you can put the top down, which is nice. But an SUV has more room. Oh and costs more to gas up. So it depends if you want more room, or you want to be able to put the top down. Hope that helps!”

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

        أنا ألفيس، مجاملة صديقك Donkistani من الفيسبوك – يرجى grift سيارات الدفع الرباعي – شكرا لدعمكم المتواصل من صادرات النفط لدينا!

        (“I am Elvis, your Donkistani friend courtesy of Facebook —
        please grift SUV — thank you for your continued support of our oil exports!”)

    • Grift Basket says:

      Avis Car Rental @Avis @JuliaAllison We are very sorry to hear about your recent tragedy. Please use coupon code DEADRELATIVE on for a 10% discount.
      10 hours ago

      Budget Car Rental @BudgetRental @JuliaAllison We have a full line of steeply discounted cars available for you! Check your email for details about our Twitter affiliate program.
      about 11 hours ago


  16. JFA says:

    I love how she couldn’t wait to get “home” to LA and now she’s already fucking leaving. You can’t run from your pathetic existence forever, sweetie.

  17. DSM-V: JFA Edition says:

    People feel free to relax. She’s just on the chasing cock, wallet, and self-interest stage of grief…

  18. Emma Bourricot says:

    This whole episode reminded me of that letter that Julia wrote to herself when she was 14 years old. Nevermind that according to her own recollection, Donks would have been born in 1982 to make the date match up, but whatever.

    Feb. 27, 1996

    I am very emotional. And so confused. I don’t want to be a bad person, yet I feel as if I will be one. So much of my time is spent on material gain – and not enough on what’s really important. But what is really important?

    Some people believe that would be getting good grades and getting into an ivy league school. But that doesn’t make anyone a good person. I’m so scared I’m going to grow up and look back on my life and be ashamed. Even if I have a life that most everyone would deem successful.

    But what does it take to really be a good person? How do you know when to just sit back and reflect? How can you balance being a good person with the world that’s out there now, one in which good people are trampled upon?

    Tomorrow is my 14th birthday. Every year after this just keeps going faster and faster.

    All I wish for is the forced opportunity of reflection, uncertainty, great wisdom and thought.

    Because far too often the daily pleasures and needs of life overwhelm me and cause me to lose sight of anything even close to important.

    Now we all know she probably didn’t write this exactly as it’s presented (especially because we know it was either written in 1995 or else on the eve of her 15th birthday), but one wonders where this thoughtful young lady’s insight went. Where has she buried it? There’s no doubt in my mind that she has been depressed (bipolar/NPD/not the point) for years, and that it’s rooted in the very foundation of who she is. To fear as a teenager that she would end up alone and ashamed of her life — when did she break, decide she was beyond hope? What would this girl think of the woman you are, Julia? What would you tell this girl today, or even to the woman who posted this in 2007? What would you do differently? And what would your 45-year-old self tell you to do?

    You won’t think of any of these things, sadly. Just treasure the time you have with your grandmother.

    • Scooby Don't says:

      One thing I learned early on with the Donkey is to remember that these self-reflexive moments have been presented to an audience to elicit a positive response. In this case, “Oh Julia you’re not so bad, you’ve grown up to be a famous celebrity. So tiny. So thin. So beautiful. Your prince is out there. Just keep being you.”
      Julia is always “on” in what she presents online and it’s always an attempt to manipulate reactions to her. You’d think after all this time she’d be better at it. It’s a sign of how low her EQ is (in a race to the bottom with her IQ I think) that she so frequently misses the mark and creates a response opposite to the one she was hoping for.
      Bizarro Donkey!

    • Bi-coastal Birthday Chicken (افغانی ) (AFGHANI) says:

      She sucked very badly from a very early age. Just look at what she cared about when she was 13 and 14 yrs old. And then realize that she ends up at Indiana U, it’s “not good enough” for her, and she ramps up the bullshitting and shortcutting. She still has unrealistic goals, still thinks she can get results without work, and still burns every bridge. It’s 17 years since she wrote that letter and her actual life today is far worse than anything she could’ve imagined at 14.

      If schadenfreude is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I am <3 how Julia's life is "unfolding" and I love that everytime she looks at her own wrist, she has a trashy reminder of the days when she assumed success for herself… on the basis of being "special".

      • Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

        I know I always say this for reasons of former-regional bias, but IU is an ass-whooping school. People who leave there with music degrees or from certain of the graduate schools would find both her admittance and her departure from there an odious stain.

        • WP says:

          Handbag, I’ll have you know that 72.3% of Indiana households don’t have luxury caulk on even one of their windows. It’s tragic. Afghani is going to start a foundation to bring under privileged kids from The Flyover to the coast for the summer so they can experience the magic of superior building materials.

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Jacy "Donk" LaRue says:

      Nothing will ever convince me that she actually wrote that letter at 14. She wrote it in her 20s in a manner she imagined a 14-year-old would write to prove something to somebody, who knows what. [REDACTED] probably did or penned something amazing at that age and this was her manufactured response to prove she was just as amazing a young teenager as he was.

      • DSM V: JFA Edition says:

        exactly jacy. if she told me it was raining, i’d have to look out the window.

      • Records Custodian says:

        There is no chance in hell she wrote that letter at 14. Most likely, like nearly every single thing that comes out of Julia’s mouth, there is probably one or two original sentences that are true and were written when claimed.

        The sad thing is the she wrote it in her 20s and meant every last word of it, and the purported “14 year old” cadence isn’t even faked. That’s just where she arrested.

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

          We would have been treated to a fauxto of a stubby nub pointing to a page of her Dear Donkey Diary, had she written & kept that letter from age 14.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

      Even if I have a life that most everyone would deem successful

      That’s our narcissistic Donkey, fully expecting to be recognized as superior w/out any actual & commensurate achievements.

      • Grammarian says:

        Maybe the smallest flicker of understanding that skating on parental money is the opposite of accomplishment, which curdled over time to, nyah nyah nyah, my parents have two fridges

        • Albie Quirky says:

          The “second fridge” business just reminded me of Jack Klugman in Goodbye, Columbus.

      • Already Pantless says:

        At least she doesn’t have to worry about THAT.

  19. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

    Convertible vs SUV?

    Julia Allison on Road Trip with ‘friends’*
    (*‘friends’ = purchased FB followers)

  20. ¿Qué? says:

    Since when is a 6 hour drive a “road trip”?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      It takes longer for Donkeys because of the constant poo stops, thanks to her good friends at BPC.

    • Can-Swiss says:

      Since when is driving to see your fuck-buddy-fame-ball friend a road trip and not just driving for 6 hours?

      • Prof. F Camping says:

        she’s meeting him half-way, ok? she’s driving 350 miles, and he will come down to the door of his building to meet her. meeting half-way! not random or desperate!

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

      Meh. Even if it’s only a couple of hours down the road, if I’m going out of town overnight w/ friends for no reason other than to party, it’s a road trip, in my book.

      • WP says:

        This. Maybe it’s a regional thing? If we go down to Austin or the Gulf, it’s a road trip.

        • Orwell-Style Cyberpolice Force says:

          I think it is a regional thing. I mentioned in the previous thread that in California driving 6 hours is seriously no big deal. But if you drive 6 hours in the midwest, you could get across two or three states.

          Also, there’s nothing whatsoever to see on the way from LA to San Francisco. I mean seriously, nothing.

          • WP says:

            The big metro areas in Texas are pretty spread out, so driving long distances isn’t unusual here. I guess I was just caught off guard by the vehemence of the ZOMG IT’S NOT A ROAD TRIP UNLESS YOU CROSS INTERNATIONAL BORDERS AND FEED OFF THE BODIES OF YOUR DEAD COMPANIONS responses.

            Calm down, Kevins.

          • Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

            I’d like to see you cross West Virginia, Ohio, and Indiana in six hours. Seriously, because I have to do it in the morning and I’m half-sick of the damn trip. In the past 18 years I’ve made it nearly 50 times.

          • CaptainGary says:

            Handbag, I’m originally from Toledo, OH, and I’ve done a similar drive – Hillsdale, MI to Parkersburg, WV – in 6 hours. You gotta hustle, but it can be done, especially since they raised the speed limit on the Ohio Turnpike – arguably the only statewide speed trap in our great nation – to 70 MPH.

            When you go to college in the Midwest, you know these things. I’ve also turned around Ann Arbor to Pittsburgh in under 6 hours, but I’m just bragging now. Seriously, though – growing up in Ohio I used to treat any drive under 10 hours as a piece of cake, but since moving to CA 8 years ago (and marrying a native Angeleno), I’ve scaled back my on-the-road-whipcracking (“NO! We HAVE to get out of the state before we stop for food!”) somewhat.

          • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

            But then go on through NORTH CAROLINA. That’s where things push the comfortable-amount-of-time limit. The United States: is so big.

    • JFA says:

      It’s especially not a “road trip” when your entire life is already an extended vacation.

    • Already Pantless says:

      Seems more like Antiques Road Show.

    • CurlingIronsAtDawn says:

      And who says “road trip” anymore after college?

      • Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

        She’s still in that college-aged mentality. And while it’s perfectly fine to use the term like catfriends above, it’s the way she’s portraying it. It’s not just a road trip, it’s going to be a zany fun all-girls adventure! of a road trip.

        And that whole stupid convertible querybrag was just her trying to portray her clichéd idea of an exciting California lifestyle stereotype. Because LA is her home now, forever, and she loves it so and will never leave. Ha. Tick-tock!

  21. It's Always Shitty in Donkadelphia says:

    @JuliaAllison: It’s Not Always Sunny in Los Angeles.
    Mar 17, 2012 (2 days ago)

    Also, Donkey?
    It’s Never Skinny in Cakeadelphia.

  22. Cowboys & Brayliens says:

    How fuck.

    Okay, let me get this straight–

    – Donk gets messaged from her family, Granny is sick.
    – Donk flies to SXSWi with the intention of yoo-hooing a tech founder or musician type, tries to get invited to a few parties, fails, TinyJulia does the normal SXSW thing while Bravo cameras are rolling.
    – Donk OBOs the entirety of SXSW, after she realizes that A) she isn’t getting the SXSW hookup she expected, and B) Britt has flown back to Chicago.
    – She flies back to Chicago under the pretense that Granny is on her last few breaths. She goes to the hospital and may or may not spend the entire day playing songs off her phone, tweeting about how poorly Granny is doing, and random spiritual crap.
    – Family sees this crap on her Twitter stream and FB page, gets pissed off at her. Someone — Britt — tells her she can’t keep broadcasting these kind of private moments. Donk gets in that pissed/sad braying pouting mood that she’s famous for, scarfs a can of chocolate.
    – Bravo runner, under which she’s already under a ton of pressure, says she has to get back to LA for the next segment. Donk OBOs everyone at home, flies back without any mention as to why, even though it’s painfully obv.
    – Gets home, pisses off Emily Gould, faux-crowdsources for a car to drive up the 5 freeway while not mentioning what happened with Granny (because the family is pissed at the Donk).

    Here’s my theory. Once those Bravo cameras stop rolling, she is absolutely fucked. She’s shed most of her friends, she has no prospects on the horizon, and all of her old go-tos are drying up fast. She’ll get tossed out of the apartment right on schedule, and based on her current situation she’ll be lucky to find a place in Culver to live in.

    Donk — stop planning for failure (“maybe I don’t really want to live in LA…”), quit flitting around not finishing any commitments, and oh honey, drop live-tweeting your family’s personal lives.

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

      all of her old go-tos are drying up fast

      Well, technically Expired Donkey is the one all dried up, but yeah, & before associating w/ her again, the same frenemies who wouldn’t sign waivers to get filmed by Bravo will take a ‘sit-back-&-wait’ approach to see how much of a laughing-livestock she ends up being. Meanwhile, Bald Julia & Jelly Donut will have taken their leave once there’s nothing in it for them. Done & Done.

    • Little girl pedaling alone in the rain with her own wet cake says:

      Buddy, it’s gonna be sadder than a horizontally scrolling website. If she doesn’t get some serious professional help shit is going to get ugly.

    • Little girl pedaling alone in the rain with her own wet cake says:

      You always have to remember the Donkey maxim that separates true Baugher Bogglers from the rookies.

      She’s ALWAYS lying about EVERYTHING. Every. Little. Goddam. Thing. AlwaysAlwaysAlways. So that obviously includes everything she broadcast about NGMB’s demise, the fight, and yes EVEN the fucking chocolate.

      DonkBonk, we know you think this is your bully site, but how many bull sites BEG the person they talk about to get help. For themselves. For their family. For their future*.

      *of which you have none

      • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

        She’s not going to get help. She’s too fucking mental. A normal person would see how much they fucked up their life and get help – she blames NYC. That is not normal. It’s everyone’s fault but her own and NO ONE holds a mirror up to her behavior b/c they are all enablers or cockroaches who want their 2 minutes of Bravo TV fame.

        Let’s all sit back and relax, can you imagine how epic this shit is going to get when she’s 34/35 and still alone?

        PS – how do you do worse than waxy birthday chicken for years 32 – 35????? LOL.

        • Andy Wintour hacks (up a furball) says:

          Lying about chocolate? Who does that? Oh no, no, no. Especially when you have magical birthday chocolate (or chocolate bars, rather) purchased from…the WORLD!

          Best birthday EVAR!!!

      • Donksers says:

        Of all the disgusting personality traits Julia has, her pathological lying is the worst. I think she’s probably been a liar her entire life, and it gets worse as she gets older because NOBODY calls her out on it…except for RBD!

        • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

          She may not get called out on it – but here is how I deal with liars – I distance myself from them because they cannot be trusted and I usually start to care less and less about the friendship. And we know people are distancing themselves from her big time. So in that way, she is paying the price. She will end up alone.

    • dd says:

      What did she do to piss off Emily Gould?

    • RRR says:

      This seems pretty much correct. I respectfully submit one small point:

      Emily Gould is always pissed off. She comes pre-pissed-off for your convenience.

      In realizing how much she hates to be called Em, I will now address her as Em&Em, brightly-colored and a brittle shell that contains an even more brittle interior.

      Em&Ems. They don’t melt in your hand. Or anywhere else.

      • WP says:

        This tard has been off my radar for years. Is she still braying about tattoos and yoga like it’s 1993?

        • RRR says:

          Damn straight she is. She also recently gave herself a haircut that makes it look as if a lawnmower somehow lost a bet.

      • Handbag Stuffed With Hair says:

        My sister was married to a man in the death industry (quite literally) and came to join it herself. Their initials were M&M, and I used to refer to them as the candy-coated lovers.

  23. ShesJustStupid says:

    And she was bitching about the weather at 3 AM? What the fuck is her problem?

    JuliaAllison Right now it’s 20 degrees warmer in New York than it is in LA. I want a refund. 🙁
    about 7 hours ago

    • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

      She’s such a fucking baby. Go back to NY then. Oh, wait, the weather wasn’t your problem there, it was that you burned every bridge, you were fired from every job and your parents stopped paying your rent. So you fled home to be put up in the condo they owned in Chicago until Bravo TV picked up the tab for your place in LA.

      So Donkey, what is this refund you speak of?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      A refund from whom? Al Roker? Phoebus Apollo? Aten Ra? K’inich Ajaw?

      • pearipathetic donkey says:

        Carrie Bradshaw, obviously!

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

          1st UPVOTE for seriously under-appreciated COTD!

        • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

          The Carrie Bradshaw thing makes me LOL – you’re shocked your life didn’t turn out LIKE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM YOUR TV THAT TWELVE WRITERS DREAMED UP FICTIONAL DETAILS ABOUT ?????

          Then you’re a mental patient, Donkey.

      • WP says:

        Any refund she is “owed” will be applied to her karma overdraft.

    • ShesJustStupid says:

      Oh dear…someone replied to her weather tweet

      Nassour Kalombola ‏ @Negative255 · Open
      @JuliaAllison, And 34 degrees in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania!!!!

      • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

        What makes me LOL is people in LA fucking love this weather – it’s a nice respite from always gloriously warm and sunny and gives us the idea we have seasons. Sure, we hate rain and the way assholes drive in it, but the hipsters love bundling up in their skull caps and North Face jackets in 60 degree weather.

        She is a fucking moron. And always an outsider.

        • CaptainGary says:

          So true, DY&DT. And of course she doesn’t get that we Angelenos might like the occasional change because she only sees the easiest, most stereotypical view of anyone or anything she comes across.

        • Effing Ineffably Un-Effable says:

          Truth. LA winters are great.

          • Effing Ineffably Un-Effable says:

            And to JFA for a second… if she’s still here this year (hah) she’s gonna flip her shit come June.

  24. WP says:

    I think I’m going to start an Etsy shop with some of the donkey-related bijoux I’ve accumulated whilst practicing creative techniques. This clown is an endless source of inspiration.

  25. ICrayAnAwfulLotLately says:

    PS: Hate to ask, but where’s Lily? : (

    • Orwell-Style Cyberpolice Force says:

      Seriously, where the fuck is Lily? I can’t imagine what it’s like for a dog to be abandoned so frequently like that. Do dogs get used to such treatment? I board my dog with his daycare facility where he goes almost everyday, so they’re pretty much like family to him… but he STILL gets so, so, so excited to see us when we come back. He can’t settle down for at least two days. I always feel terrible to leave him because no matter how much fun he’s having during the day with other dogs, I know when he’s sitting in his crate alone at night, he’s saying, “Where the fuckity are you, Mom and Dad? Take me home!”

      I hope Lily is with the Baughers.

  26. Barf In The Second Fridge says:

    oh now she’s complaining about the weather?! p.s. donkey, it’s NOT always 75 degrees in LA. thank goodness, or we’d be living in a terrarium.

  27. Prof. F Camping says:

    I was trying to figure out who donkey’s friends (“friends”) are in LA… other than Flusher and Taryn, I couldn’t think of anyone (who else is there? Shira? Justine Musk?), so I went to her twitter follow list. her “friend” Jeanie Mai has a most unfortunate twitter bio: Fashionista. Foodiva. Wearapist. Believer in YOU.

    Really? She didn’t read “wearapist” a few times and think it sounded a little off?

    • 11th Wang says:


    • Prof. F Camping says:

      PS. She clearly needs a consultation with Tobias Fünke MD.

    • neverbotoxed says:

      There is no way she and Jeannie Mai are friends. I love watching Jeannie Mai’s show, How Do I Look?, on the Style channel. I know there was a picture of Donkey and JM posing together (possibly at Fashion Week?), but it was probably more for Donkey to show off to her Afghani followers. JM probably thought she was posing with a nobody fan.

      I agree about the wearapist bit, but it makes more sense if you know the background:

      • Prof. F Camping says:

        yeah, i get “wearapy” but…eh, shrug.

        hey have the same manager, they have been acquaintances for some time.

        • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

          But Donkey pulled some shit during fashion week where she tried to act like she didn’t know how to pronounce Jeannie’s name – it seemed to be a fuck you – you’re beneath me and not known enough for me to know your name.

          Perhaps a Donkey was jealous that J had a real mike flag?

          • Albie Quirky says:

            A Donkey must be jelly as fuck of Jeannie Mai, who has her own show and is adorable-looking. Unlike Donkerina who has to share a show with other trainwrecks and who looks like an angry half-melted waxwork.

            That said, “wearapy” is ridiculous and Jeannie should be embarrassed about that.

          • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

            She’s a go-getter, that much is apparent from reading her wiki, & I second whomever said that she’s ‘adorable’ (actually, she’s beautiful, IMHO).

            ‘Wearapist’ doesn’t grate on me, it’s her schtick, & it sure beats hell out of being known as ‘Donkey’.

          • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

            I don’t think it was an act. It makes perfect sense that Donkey would claim they are ‘friends’ but not be able to pronounce their name since, you know, they aren’t really friends. She shot her mouth off without thinking, making enough room to shove both her hooker boots in all the way up to the knee.

          • bitchface says:

            I have a big time girl crush on her…..

  28. say hello to your new roommate. says:

    q: why did the crazy bitch drive to see the boy she likes when she could have taken a flight for the same price?

    a: no return flight!

  29. How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

    OT: Worrisome Pelts, have you battened down the hatches over yonder? I’m loving this drop in temp, but the animals freaking out (I take my weather cues from them) has me pretty edgy (lot’s of Calm DOWN, Kevin! admonishments have been made, both by me & to me).

    • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:


      I need news of other frights so I can worry about people other than my own family, because remember how recently a wolf spider ran over my nude body and then a couple days ago I was bitten by a neighbor dog? Last weekend my husband brought in a pile of old towels that had gotten rained on and needed to be washed, and I uncovered a brown recluse.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

        Tornadic activity (both watches & warnings), torrential downpour & flooding, golf ball-sized hail … in other words, ‘Spring in north Texas’.

        And thunder, did I mention the piss-your-pants thunderbolts?

      • Albie Quirky says:

        What is going on lately with you and the animals, Handbag? Did you piss off someone with the power to make creatures do their bidding? Will that person be sending an army of locusts after you?

        • WP says:

          That person will be influencing a Donkey to call Handbag’s “boss.”

          Actually, I would pay FU money to hear a conversation between a rabid Donkey and a badass Handbag.

          • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

            Sisters, yes — it’s the Boss of the Universe who is sending such nature my way, but I’d take it rather than tornadoes.

            I live in a very rural place, right between the yuppie hobby farmers and the genuine redneck farmers. It’s like a land between two seasons. So I have all the wildlife and a fair amount of country. As in COUNTRY.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        Well. Not to freak you out, but I read this story the other day and had a heart attack since my house is FILLED with spiders:

        And all of our cats are too lazy to DO THEIR JOB i.e. kill spiders. Oh, yeah. They like to corner, torment and torture them. But they don’t finish them off. The only thing worse than a spider? A very pissed off spider, who’s missing a few legs.

    • WP says:

      It’s pouring (as you know) and my electricity blinked a minute ago, but until Dale Finfrock interrupts regular programming, I’m going to hang out and enjoy my quesadillas. The temp drop *is* fantastic.

    • zandra says:

      Crazy weather? You guys should demand a refund!

  30. Prof. F Camping says:

    i came across this and found it rather a propos, given donkey’s upcoming road trip.


  31. She's a cruel and strange bitch says:

    Julia Allison ‏ @JuliaAllison
    @kitty2silly – she’s hanging in there, yes. Doing much better than expected. Still in the hospital but stabilized.

    Well, there you go. Granny may pull through so since there was no inheritances to collect or jewelry collection to ransack, Donkey peaced.

    • CDB says:

      stabilize in a hospice? who does that?

      • Joardache & the Pelts says:

        I think she really got ” hospital” and ” hospice” mixed up or thought ” hospice” sounded more dramatic or fancy and she probably doesn’t even know what a hospice is anyways… What a dumb howfuk…

      • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

        Probably Grannies that were never in hospice to begin with. Then again, since a Donkey is writing this story, Grandma could be doing awful but Julia would look like a cunt having left her, so maybe better to lie instead? Um, er, oops?

    • Dr. Gary says:

      What in the hell?? There is no ‘stabilized’ or ‘doing much better than expected’ at a hospice.

      So she lied (big surprise) about her grandmother’s ‘hospice nurse’. Or she’s just really stupid (again, real shocker) for not knowing the difference between ‘hospice’ and ‘hospital’.

      I really CANNOT with this bitch, exploiting her grandmother’s illness online for sympathy and attention. I never knew anyone could be so NPD. She has done so many vile and disgusting things, but this last week is truly a new low.

      • WP says:

        Little Miss Binge-n-Dirge has really outdone herself this time.

        • Dr. Gary says:

          The really sick thing? I can imagine her reading our heartfelt condolences and well wishes for her family and grandmother, thinking ‘Fuck you, haters! I sure fooled you! My grandmother’s NOT about to die. Ha ha! Who’s the dummy now?’

      • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

        Julia’s self-described performances in the hospital room of a dying woman would be depraved and intolerable even in severely dysfunctional families. I suspect this is more like a broken hip and nursing facility care.

        • Joardache & the Pelts says:

          It seems to me as if her grandmother came down with pneumonia (which is not uncommon and very scary at her age) and had to be intubated, thus the difficulty speaking. But who knows with Julia anyways and this is painful, private family stuff and she shouldn’t be tweeting about it. Especially when she uses “hospital” and “hospice” interchangeably – when they are very different things.

    • Prof. F Camping says:

      @kitty2silly – is this a catlady signal?

    • Stripper Shoes of Whorian Bray says:

      Hospice is the new kidney infection.

      • Ex Spurt says:

        If Donk excels at anything it’s bullshit but I need to clear up a misconception here.

        You don’t necessarily have to be at right at the end stage of life to be a hospice patient. Generally though six months or less. It’s not unusual to be discharged and you can be admitted for a variety of reasons.

        Yes Julia made a fool of herself, as usual, but it’s credible Granny was in a hospice. I’m a betting she has excellent health insurance.

        It is also entirely possible that Donk jumped to conclusions about an illness, dramaramaed it for attention and now has egg on her face. Thankfully, for her grandmother. So not defending a Donk here, just wanting to clear up the no one leaves a hospice thing.

  32. Barf In The Second Fridge says:

    if granny pulls through and somehow finds out about julia’s premature shiva sitting, she will NEVER THE DONKEY.

  33. Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

    JuliaAllison “In my world, everyone’s a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!” ― Dr. Seuss

    She is so fucking bat shit. Between this, the shitloads of Chopin and the eating of 7/10 of a giant container of chocolate syrup… how exactly does Andrew Bancroft get a boner for a Donkey?

  34. monster (Single and Mingle) says:

    hahaha she just said that her grandmother’s condition is “terminal, but stable – she could live six weeks or six months.”

    yes, Julia. Life is terminal.

    • Grammariab says:

      I am reading The Beautiful and Damned again; I just say.

      The novel concerns itself with the question of vocation—what does one do with oneself when one has nothing to do?—writes Fitzgerald critic West. He says that Fitzgerald was concerned with the question of vocation for men as well as for women. In the novel, Fitzgerald presents Gloria as woman whose vocation is nothing more than to catch a husband. After her marriage to Anthony, Gloria’s sole vocation is to slide into indolence and alcoholism; her husband’s sole vocation is to wait for his inheritance.[1]

    • Little girl pedaling alone in the rain with her own wet cake says:

      Pretty sure that is the prognosis for anyone in their late 80’s…

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