I Think Julia Allison is Trying To Kill Her Grandmother Through Song

Because, really? She’s lip-dubbing but with her actual voice? How is this at all comforting? Or entertaining? This is how one wants to go out chasing the light? To the braying heehaw of a heehawing donkey? I guess it would make you run faster.

Today at the hospital, I’m singing the full repertoire of Frank Sinatra songs to my Grandmother. Let it be known: I am a terrible singer.

I ran out of Sinatra songs. Now have launched into The Music Man. “Sevety-six trombones in the big parade!”

Lord, I can only imagine the family dynamic in that room right now. I want to imagine constant collective eye-rolling. But something is telling me these weirdos are singing along. Otherwise it’s a 31-yr-old no-talent hack giving a private, unrehearsed concert to someone’s death bed.

Think about that. . .

177 COMMENTS

  1. She must have switched off the Bach, tons and tons of Bach! once she realized it left little opportunity for her to sing along.

  2. I cannot imagine her family approving, because that is fucking insane, even for her. I also think she is lying (YOOHOO! Jellyd! I love music!) and probably doesn’t know more than a few words to a Sinatra song. I’m guessing she is just playing “It Was a Very Good Year” and “I Did It My Way” on repeat, hoping Granny will feel she has accomplished enough and give up.

    Bogus, all the way through. Also, musician-netting agenda to the extreme.

    • I think she’s probably lying, too, mcakez, and it’s disgusting the way she continues to make her grandmother’s death all about her and how ‘her public’ will perceive her antics. “Everyone will think I’m so cute and quirky if I tell them I’m singing songs to my dying grandma!”

    • I don’t want to give her family too much credit, they have recorded her lip dubs in the past.

  3. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? LIVE BLOGGING YOU GRANDMOTHER”S DEATH?????? HOW FUCK????

  4. Come now; you must be aware that “I Did It My Way”* is her heraldic motto and monogrammed in hot pink on all of her Shabby Chic linens.

    *Even though she never DID shit.

  5. This is truly tragic. Where’s the hook thingy to take her off the stage? Julia, S.T.F.U. we beg you. Its now approaching insane. I cannot anymore….and I don’t that often.

  6. ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN

    … So if you fall in just that way,
    oh wouldn’t I be thrilled to hear you say
    I had a lovely accident today. …

    ~Frank Sinatra

    • Frank Sinatra isn’t responsible the songwriting for his catalogue. He sang standards and stuff hit makers already wrote, not to diminish his delivery. There were copper bottom tympani in (donkey) platoons.

  7. If the family tried to stop her from live tweeting Granny Deathwatch 2012, I’m truly curious how she would defend it.

    ‘My followers want to know about ALL aspects of my life!’

    ‘Daaadddd! You know this is my JOB!’

    • Yucccck. Gross. But yeah, this.

      She bitched about a family fight over Twitter. It might have been over this? Her brother sounds annoyed and disgusted with her, as usual.

    • It’s times like this i I wish you were a man, and I was a woman, so I could show you my boobs in appreciation.

    • You are a horrible fucking person.

      (I clicked like)

    • It took me a minute, but then I realized the “notebook” frame is the bible, with her handwritten annotations. And then I loved it even more.

      “hmm.. “”Thou shalt not steal.” Man, I love how these are all addressed to some dude named Thou and not Julia.”

    • For the record, I usually love your work CB, but I think this is slightly over the line. I know it’s mostly about the lunatic weirdo Donkey making her difficult family time all about herself, but it comes off kind of disrespectful to dear granny Baugher, who did nothing to deserve it.

      Just my two cents.

      • Yeah, I had a few moments of doubt. Too far? Maybe. Probably. It’s why I put donks in front of granny after the button push, cause I didn’t wanna photoshop NGMB with closed eyes and stuff, as if dead. I don’t wish her to be dead, I just wanna make catladies laugh if I can. I appreciate your comment, tho.

      • I hear you, but this still makes me laugh:

        [img]http://i42.tinypic.com/1ywe2v.jpg[/img]

        Julia would gobble Granny up like an unattended cupcake if she thought it would speed up the inheritance.

    • Possibly your best work yet.

      Some people may think a line has been crossed. But I see it as commentary on Julie’s horrible behavior, not disrespecting her grandmother.

      • Did anyone else find Afghani’s critical analysis of Bach’s legacy and oeuvre for our edification his funniest comment since windowgate?

  8. When I die, please God grant me the decency that my death reaper looks like a human and not this nose-job victim.

    For fuck’s sake you all talk about her botox and injecitons but the nose job is OBVIOUS. There was a moment she had a normal nose in 2009 but dudes, shit got cut off.

    Fuck you all and especially fuck Donkey trust fund cunt – may your life be… well…. what it is.

  9. I can’t with this crazy cunt. I have tried to maintain a dignified silence for the past day or so. But I feel I must register my revulsion. This is more than I ever could have imagined in terms of Donkey’s lowest stooping. Live tweeting Nutty Granny Moneybags’ death. It’s surreal and disheartening. But completely expected.

  10. Good LORD:

    @JuliaAllison
    What else did I do tonight? Oh, you know. Just downloaded a s-tload of Chopin sonatas on iTunes. WHAT UP NOW, yo!? (I should go to bed now.)

    We GOT IT. You’ve been the Doting Granddaughter. Sitting bedside, playing grandmother’s favorite music. And oh my goodness! Look how fancy and classy you are! Downloading all that classical music. But you know what? I think you’ve got that inheritance locked down. So why don’t you give it a rest, already?

    • what else did i do tonight? just downloaded a s-load of cured aids and killed that dick Kony. I should sleep every night.

    • OH. MY. GAWD.

      She takes the opportunity of her grandmother dying to humblebrag constantly about her (nonexistent) refined musical tastes. I fucking cannot anymore.

    • “I wonder if I can find an album of Bach playing music by Chopin?”

      -Julia Allison, probably

    • Since you all have picked up on everything else, I will just comment on her awful, awkward diction. “WHAT UP NOW, yo?!” sounds like something out of Babelfish. She tries really fucking hard, and then fails equally fucking hard.

      Yep, that is my nitpick for the day.

  11. I was at the hospital this afternoon/evening for a marathon MRI session and I was dreading running into Julia. Who knows if NGMB is even at Northwestern, but I scooted in and out of there rapidly — not in the mood for her shit today.

    And I believe anyone who’s lost a loved one would agree, but only Satan incarnate would treat a death like this. The fact that her family is tacitly allowing it is disgusting. If this were my daughter or sister behaving this way, she’d be banned from the hospital room until death was literally banging on the door.

    Can you imagine the NURSES dealing with her right now? Maybe I should’ve posted Donkey Haters Anonymous support group signs in the nurses’ lounge at the hospital…ugh.

    • I didn’t even think about this – I’ll be at Northwestern today too for some stuff. Ugh. Hope all is well, Pink Palatian!

      • Just more MRI stuff on my “is it MS or ALS or Huntington’s or Parkinson’s or a brain tumor?” journey. I hope this is the last of the tests; next stop is a spinal tap if this doesn’t offer them the info they need.

        Hope all is well with you…and you avoid Julia! Be warned, though, that there’s some high school band thing going on downtown and Michigan Ave is overrun with thousands of teenagers who have never been to a big city before. I jaywalked last night in a hurry to my bus and a band mom screamed at me then told the kids that’s how people die in the big city. :/

        • He. Do you guys also have those signs next to crosswalks that explain in pictograms that jaywalking leads to little kids doing it, too? Every time a German jaywalks, a little kid dies!

          • PS: I hope all turns out fine or the least scary for you! Keeping my fingers crossed or rather thumbs pressed, which is the German way.

        • Ugh – a spinal tap? I’m sorry. I hope it doesn’t come to that and they find out what they need to know.

          I did avoid JA but not the hordes of St. Patrick’s Day drunkards on Michigan Ave. The 80-degree weather did not help the situation. Just because it’s green and it fits doesn’t mean you should wear it.

  12. Let it be known: my Grandmother loves Sinatra. I am a terrible singer.

    IT’S ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEE, YOU SHITHEADS!

  13. Just picture this when she is beside granny’s hospital bed.

    “Julia, what are you doing?”

    “I just need to send this tweet grandma, just a second. Next song, coming right up!”

    “Please let the lord take me soon…”

  14. She didn’t get even the lyrics correct… I now picture her sitting beside granny’s bed singing songs like Peter from “The Family Guy”.

    • Whoops, html fail. That was supposed to read –

      From her Facebook page:

      I just ate 7/10 of an enormous jar of chocolate ice cream topping “hidden” in the second fridge at my parents’ place = how I know it’s time to go home to LA, where such things aren’t allowed in my house, because I WILL CONSUME THEM IN FULL. Barf. (I’m on a plane tomorrow … )

      • WOW. No words.

        Also there’s this super annoying tweet. I hate the way she uses language:

        Julia Allison ‏ @JuliaAllison
        Just watched (a year late) the compelling, unprecedented doc “Page One: Inside the New York Times.” Intelligent, engrossing & adroitly told.

      • Key to not having junk food in your house is not buying junk food in the first place … & we all know by now that if & when in a Whole Foods, Donkey [1] scarfs numerous candy bars in the aisle / isle / i’ll while sobbing hysterically, & [2] fauxtographs her dirty little @DogButt sitting on food surfaces …

        SO MANY QUESTIONS!
        * Is Donkey permanently banned from Whole Foods now?
        * WHO? grocery shops, Bald Julia or a TaskRabbit?
        * Can Probate Checks be insured & mailed?

        • Well, keep in mind that she’s at her parents’ house. So, they bought the ice cream … for their own enjoyment. I guess, they forgot that their daughter was insane for a second.

      • She’s on a plane ” tomorrow”. OH HELL TO THE YES! No more live blogging poor granny demise shit. And just like that we’ve moved on. My neck….its broken with the whiplash. We can only hope.

        • LA LA LA! I live in LA now! LA!

          Her relationship to food is so immature. Just eat the damn ice cream and STFU. You are neither cute nor interesting.

      • I love that she claims not to binge anymore. She’s like a dry drunk (except that she relapses) – she has serious, serious issues with food and she should get fucking help.

        Dry drunks who don’t go to recovery are the meanest fucking people in the word and Julia is right up there with them.

        • Of course she couldn’t just say “in the fridge.” It HAD to be “in the second fridge.” Tacky Donkey will never pass up even the tiniest opportunity to brag.

          • Of course. But What cracks me up is the fact that she thinks have two fridges is brag-worthy…JA, its probably the source of your disordered eating!

        • LOL … WooHoo, *I* have two refrigerators too!
          ::flexes cat claws & buffs ’em on shirt::

          (counting a recently-replaced old one on the back porch perpetuating the white trash thang going on ’round these parts)

      • “7/10?” So fractions are the ice-cream equivalent of “sips?” Insane Donkey is insane.

        • inserting numbers = makes me seem smart!
          seven-tenths! second fridge! three sips! $4 per word! small gift of $10,000! 200,000 Afghani Facebook fans! $100 Jetblue change fee! shitloads* of chopin!

          *um, err, oops, ran out of numbers HA!

        • Zero self-awareness. Who am I kidding, she probably thought that was funny/quirky/cute/so Zooey.

      • Ugh. Even little children don’t eat that shit.
        I can’t help but picture her hoovering that disgusting brown glop into her waxy maw, spraying it everywhere because she can’t close her mouth properly thanks to the injections.
        BARF.

  15. Nothing new here …. but..
    People who score highly on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory questionnaire had more friends on Facebook, tagged themselves more often and updated their newsfeeds more regularly.

    The research comes amid increasing evidence that Facebook and other social media are creating a generation of young narcissists, obsessed with self-image and shallow friendships.
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/mar/17/facebook-dark-side-study-aggressive-narcissism?CMP=twt_fd

    • More good stuff…
      The latest study, published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, also found that narcissists responded more aggressively to derogatory comments made about them on the social networking site’s public walls and changed their profile pictures more often.

      A number of previous studies have linked narcissism with Facebook use, but this is some of the first evidence of a direct relationship between Facebook friends and the most “toxic” elements of narcissistic personality disorder.

      • What do you mean by “respond[ing] more aggressively to derogatory comments,” you SHITHEAD??!! 😉

    • With all due respect, narcissists are made at home, by abusive or neglectful parents. They are not made by social media. Social media merely provides an outlet.

  16. I really don’t get why she would tweet in the middle of the night, “I can’t sleep.” Several random guys responded, and maybe that’s all she was looking for; just a little attention in the middle of the night from some random/creepy guys. She gets more pitiful by the day.

  17. I feel so sorry for Grandma.

    This is a two-pronged attack.

    First, when Grandma hears her beloved Sinatra songs murdered by Donks she must think she died and went to hell and she is being condemned to an eternity of loud obnoxious braying.

    Second, if the loud braying doesn’t get her, the canklehausen will. As you probably know, canklehausen is particularly dangerous for the elderly and the infirm and, right now, Grandma is both.

    SS, SF.

    • Seems appropriate, considering the dragstume & that it’s from the musical:

      HELL IN A HANDBAG
      [img]http://www.fausto.org/fireball-photos_smith/pictures/joancrawford-solo.jpg[/img]

  18. seriously??? the fact that she ate a forbidden jar of chocoloate topping (from the second fridge of course) is how she knows it’s time to leave? i ate, and ate, and ate, my way through deli, pasta, baked goods, basically anything i could get my hands on during the week my dad was in hospice care, and not once did i consider leaving due to my temporarily out of control eating habits. no, julia, unless you have an important job to return to (which we all know you don’t) or kids that need you (never gonna happen), you leave when granny leaves. ugh i just can’t with this.

    • Think about it … Dad$er & Little Brother are the only ones w/ jobs to be at on Monday & it’s pretty much a given that Shunned-For-30-Years-Mom$er isn’t going to be hanging around hospice … but Donkey has to abandon Granny Money Bag$ & leave for LA whyyyyy?

      • She doesn’t have anywhere to go until the 24th. I’m guessing her Mom and Dad told her to GTFO with all the singing and carrying on.

        • Wouldn’t there be yet more bitching to & about JetBlue if this were a last minute change in the itinerary?

        • I always thought Momsers was the shunner, too. Donkey used to say that NGMB wasn’t allowed to come over to their house.

        • Eh. Regardless who drew the initial line in the sand, both beaches seemed more than willing to perpetuate it, no? Until Britt & Allie got married? Only then was there a truce, probably for appearances more than anything else?

          SUCH a happy family, Donkey!
          SO. BLESSED.

  19. If Granny’s spirits are up, I don’t really see anything wrong with keeping the atmosphere light or even boisterous. But then here is Donkey, treating what could be the last time she ever sees her grandmother like a night at the piano bar.

    And we get it, Jules. You are trying to pretend you’re outgrowing your Disney/Bieber phase. Congratulations. I hope the man you’re trying to impress is impressed. What will be on her iPod next? I’m placing a bet on Coltrane.

  20. I mean, aside from the fact that she is making it a bit about her, she’s also trying to be funny/cute. Who tries to make a situation like this funny/cute?! And then, on top of it all, she makes it public?! I know, I know, this has all been said. What the hell are her intentions?! Baffling.

  21. Can’t this bitch just stream Pandora on her OMGIPHONE?

    Hope granny has a private room.

    This all feels in poor taste to me, but it’s not really about Granny, it’s mostly making fun of Julia. I hope Granny pulls through and is back to holding court at the pancake house.

  22. I just can’t with this. I can’t.

    I wish GMB a gentle passing, and my sympathies to Dadsers and Aunt Vicky and to all the grandchildren, even the granddonkey.

    But I need to go “LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU” to A Donkey’s antics for a bit, because this shit is breaking my heart.

    • The same thing happened to me when this post went up last night, Albie. All of a sudden the situation became so surreal and tawdry I couldn’t find humor in it anymore.

    • I third. This is beyond disgusting. (Donks, not you all.) The proverbial 7/10ths hidden chocolate topping down the maw was is her gushingly tweeting her friends letting them know her availability while GNMB is either a) dying b) recovering but she must fly! fly! back to her Big Sponsored Life. Of course, Important Julia must straddle the broom back to MDR which is horribly cold and obvsballz the weather has conspired against her and oh, woe is Julia Allison because it isn’t Sunny in Donkadelphia today.

      She is a hideous, entitled human being. Live-tweeting your Grandmother’s (but not Grandfather’s) illness is par for the course for our Donkey, certainly won’t herald more Wired covers. I’m sure there’s an OMG Harvard or MIT lecture online re: NPD.

      At least the fam isn’t stuck listening to a Donkey warble during this time. Hopefully GNMB is fine–and I wouldn’t put it past that doting granddaughter to amp it up for her “readers”–“They NEED me! I’m revolutionizing, uh, real-time, um, interchanges with people and their, uh, stuff, on the Internet!”

      I also wish the best for the family. And for Julia, karma (and I’m talking actual karma, not an OMG tiny-and-cute new friend running in Runyon Canyon, not a wheatgrass flavor, not a nail color, not Ecstasy on the playa with grifters soul-sucking for material for their next paid Tweet or convention) will find her. Her face, for one.

    • you must have been mainlining GG to get caught up this quick!
      I just got nostalgic for the Hills, which was like the proto-GG. must go back and watch Heidi’s first face and OMG justin bobby drama.

  23. Totally OT but one of my beloved great aunts was named Julia. JA has ruined the name for me FOREVER. 🙁

    • Oh, you have no idea. Imagine if it was your own name! But I refuse to let her ruin it!

      • 🙁 I would have considered naming any future daughters after her, she was one of my fave people. NOT NOW THOUGH THANKS ALOT JA YOU SKANK.

  24. Wow. And she’s out! What a fucking pathetic human being Julie Baugher is. She clomps in, livetweets the death watch, and then jets out as soon as she has something better to do.

    Julsie, you’re wracking up some simply epic bad karma points with this shit. Enjoy what is probably going to be the worst year of your life to date…

    I am so sorry for your brother that he has to call you a sister.

    • She’s out. And it’s as if nothing ever happened:

      @JuliaAllison: Leaving 80 degrees sunshine in Chicago to fly to 55 degrees rain in LA. Something is not right with the world.

      @JuliaAllison: TEESHIRT!! RT @BenjLerer: I get drunk and all I wanna do is tweet

      (stop hitting on married men!)

      @JuliaAllison: @justinemusk UNICORN, obvs. Also: hi!! And: I miss you. Plus: I’m in LA this week! Finally: let’s get together!

      Where are the tweets saying how much you hate to leave your grandmother? And how much you wish you didn’t have to be back in LA for ‘work obligations’ because it might be the last time you spend with her? Instead of hitting on married men and talking about the freakin’ weather?

      Like @Little girl pedaling said, you best watch out for that bad karma.

      • What’s her obsession with that Ben guy anyway? She tweeted at Sklar “give Ben a big hug from me!”When sklar was ay sxsw and jabs was called home. Same Ben?

        • She also tweeted to @BenjLerer the other day that his wife should talk to her about what the single life is like so his wife could have a greater appreciation for being married. Because, of course, Ben’s wife has never been single before and knows absolutely nothing about it.

        • She likes to pretend she has friends. This will go on for a few weeks and then he will never be mentioned again.

      • I wonder if maybe the “family fight” was someone asking her to stay and help out, since out of all them she probably has the least to do?

        “But Daaaaad! I do have a job! I haaaaave to be in LA! Can I have my check now? Oh, I slipped this pillow over granny’s face while we were talking? Um er…oops?”

      • Also I’m sorry but that first tweet is why she’s seriously a sick fucking woman with a pathological personality disorder.

        She’s upset about the weather? That’s what’s bothering her right now? Not the fact she might never see her closest family member again? Not that her other family members will still be in Chicago during this difficult time?

        Nope! She’s pissed she has to leave the warm weather! And the seriously fucktwisted thing is, this might be a case where she’s actually not lying! Her mind is seriously that fucked, that’s all she cares about right now. She couldn’t give two shits about her father, mother, brother or dying grandmother right now, beyond what she thinks she’s supposed to do for performance purposes. She can literally shove that all aside, like a goddam metallic Cylon, and move on to “I hate cold weather because it’s all about meeeeeeeeeee.”

        She is a psychotic, evil cunt, and she’s just so ugly on the inside when you get down to it. Dig up those grotesque pictures of her as a little kid sticking her tongue out, and you can tell this bitch is just a bad seed. I kant with her.

        Hope you pull through, Granny, to at least deny your witch of a grandaughter her payday for a little longer. Sorry you had to deal with the singing.

        • She has a lot of issues. Having some experience I believe she has lost herself in a fantasy over the years. I don’t like her, but I think her family should do an intervention and get her help.

        • ‘goddam metallic Cylon’

          She must be, right?

          “If a Cylon is deemed dangerous by the other models, he or she may be “boxed” — deactivated with their consciousness and memories placed into cold storage. This may involve a particular copy or an entire line.”

          Sounds like it’s time for someone to be ‘boxed’.

    • I don’t get this. What obligations can she possibly have that cannot be postponed? If Granny dies she will have to fly back. Then again why am I questioning her cuntery.

      So what’s her excuse? Did she even bother to provide one? “Oh Hai, I just liveblogged my grannies demise! I’m SO SAD! I don’t even know what to say, so I’ll just keep saying things! Oh yeah also peace out bitches going home for some reason. Yay! But still sad!”

      • “Start spreading the news! I’m leaving today! I want to be a part of it! LA, LA! Haha, not New York, I hate New York! :)”

        • I am DYING.

          I just read this comment in Google Reader, and thought it was a real Julie tweet. Was coming in here to say HOW FUCK????? HOW LOW CAN SHE GO??!!

  25. You people are assholes. Clearly her singing and support resulted in Granny’s miraculous recovery. She is doing the lord’s work YOU SHITHEADS.

    Also, Captain Coke and Baby Black Eyes? Ewwwwwww. I might have to quit watching this show.

  26. My mind, she is boggled.

    She’s got no job or obligations – why not stay and help out her family?
    Oh right, Julia doesn’t see how it would benefit her.

    It’s almost like Julia has been assured of her place in the will. She stomps into her grandmother’s room, ruins the Music Man and leaves with no remorse, thinking she did her grand daughterly duty.

    A mean part of me hopes that Granny moneybags never put her in the will.

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