The Canklehausen, How It Flares

All day Donk has been Tweeting at people who weren’t addressing her. Very few Tweeted back. This one, to the New York Times’ David Carr, is the most embarrassing. Please, Donkey, stop. Please stop. You sound like a demented stalker.

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123 Responses to The Canklehausen, How It Flares

  1. ????? says:

    Happy Purim

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      Me and the kittehs only celebrate Purrim in this basement.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      I seriously cannot tell the difference between Donkerina and Haman right now. ::buzzing noise:: And I haven’t even started drinking yet!

  2. Sweaty Juicy Couture says:

    And so the question will be asked for the next four days: Is there anyone (on Twitter) NOT at #SXSW?

    She’s such a bitch. She sounds like she’s still at New Trier HS, but this time at the
    kool kids lunch table.

    • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

      What will truly be a wonder is how everyone (important!) is at SXSW, and yet they will all somehow manage to ‘miss’ her (though I am sure ‘miss’ isn’t what anyone will be doing when it comes to a Donkey).

      This is so embarrassing.

  3. Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

    Julia Allison ‏ @JuliaAllison
    And so the question will be asked for the next four days: Is there anyone (on Twitter) NOT at #SXSW?

    Everyone who’s anyone is at SXSW, bunnies! Suck it, haters! You’re just jealous you can’t be at this horrible tech ratfuck!

    (I just want RBDer’s to take a moment and picture Donks’ comment literally. People asking this inane question constantly for the next four days. Nonstop. Ugrgrgrggh.)

    (repost from a few seconds ago, so sor, so fa.)

    • ks says:

      “ratfuck” is a term I must have missed..

      • Norse Horse, Task Ass says:

        It means a social event marked by aggressive networking and competitive social-climbing, people playing kissy-face who can’t stand each other. Kind of a Hamptons thing.

        • CDB says:

          they are Rat Bastards

        • Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

          It’s also a card game I used to play in high school. I once tried to shock my stepfather by telling him the name when he asked what my friends and I were playing, and he replied, while walking out of the room, “It must be hard to get their little legs apart.”

  4. ks says:

    Isn’t SXSW the place where was caught hiding under a table tweeting people?

  5. ShesJustStupid says:

    I just checked out Tucker Max’s twitter to see is he’s at SXSW and saw this tweet from Feb.

    Tucker Max ‏ @TuckerMax
    I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn’t come to rescue cunty lunatics.

    • JuliaCleaver says:

      awesome!

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Holy fuckshit, this is the new mellow insightful sensitive Tucker Max in action. LINE UP LADIES HE’S ENLIGHTENED LIKE WHOA

    • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

      Thus spake Doucheathustra.

      • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Black says:

        I read that as: Douche-thrusta …
        & I suppose Dad$er’s $1,700 check was enough for him to thrust in the general direction of Donkey’s verdant clam dungeon …
        [img]http://i54.tinypic.com/357oay8.jpg[/img]
        Hey Tuck! Is it (still) burning, man?

    • Stripper Shoes at SXSW says:

      But what does he know of Prince Charming? And who would listen to this rapey misogynist ?? It’s the evil leading th mentally challenged.

      • Powerful Moms with Fantastic Sons (aka Cindy McCain's Medicine Cabinet) says:

        Tucker Max is someone I actually wish ill upon, and I won’t apologize for it. I really don’t wish harm on anyone, regardless of how much they disgust me, but this woman-hating pile of human excrement really sets me off. He and his fellow misogynist Joe Francis.

  6. Cake Liar says:

    Whenever I read her tweets I get the heebiejeebies (fabulous Scots word for shudders/creeped out/spooky freak out). They are just so so desperate!

    • Cake Liar says:

      Seriously having a ‘how fuck’ moment here. How FUCK can she have a priviliged life with lots of good opportunities and screw them up every *snap* single *snap* time??? Honestly, does she ever see herself for what she truly is?!?

    • Kissy Face to a Crowd of Crickets says:

      lol my mom always said heebiejeebies when i was a kid in Canada!

      • Albie Quirky says:

        Yeah, I think “heebiejeebies” is a thing all over English-speaking North America, actually.

        It’s a good word. More mellifluous than its synonym, “douche chills.”

        • Albie Quirky says:

          Okay, I am going to be That Person: The OED says that “heebiejeebies” is originally US slang; earliest citation is 1923.

          DON’T TAKE OUR SLANG, SCOTTISH PEOPLE. YOU ALREADY HAVE ALL THE BEST WHISKY AND THE YUMMIEST FRIED FOOD; LET US KEEP OUR SLANG.

      • Dyspeptic says:

        My mom was an old-line Minnesota Lutheran girl, Swedish all the way, and she said it, too!

    • braying manatee says:

      howling fantods!

  7. Edward R. Burro says:

    And just like that, David Carr goes back to hard drugs.

  8. diluted brain says:

    I just have to add that her screen grabs are always hilarious!

  9. Nickelodeon Chic says:

    You guys! Donk sighting in the wild! She was walking out of the Convention Center today as I walked in. She had on jeans with the beige suede wedge boots. Actually wasn’t so bad! Appropriate for the event. Her face had too much makeup – in one sense, it was like “wow what is up with the waxen face?” but it also wasn’t as bad as it is in her interview videos. She’s prettier in real life. Mostly it was just nuts to see her in the wild.

    • blahblahblerg says:

      As an Austinite, it’s so, so weird to think she’s in my city! Love the sighting reports!

    • Albie Quirky says:

      She doesn’t grimace in real life the way she does on videos, does she? That’s my recollection, anyway.

      It is so funny because everything she does to make herself cooler just boomerangs like fuck and makes herself into a freak. I am sure she thinks that the grimaces are “lively” and “vivacious” and not what they actually are—”death spasms of a half-melted marionette.”

      This is the Tragedy Of A Donkey. Terminal tryharditis. Won’t you give generously?

      • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

        I think her grimaces are often her attempts at looking ‘thoughtful’ or ‘pensive.’ She always makes them when she is trying to convey what a serious intellectual she is.

        Oh, she also makes them when she is trying to be adorably self-deprecating, like when she says something she knows is obnoxious/offensive, and it is her way of communicating how cute she thinks her obnoxious/offensive comment was.

        She is just so in love with the idea of what she looks like when she talks, which is funny because it is so contrary to how everyone actually perceives her.

      • Boomerang Slam says:

        You sorta rang? I don’t get to often so I will take this one.

  10. Blech. I wouldn’t go to SXSW even if I had the money (I would like to go to that smaller music festival up in Denton, though). When I was in high school, about 40 miles away from Austin, we’d sneak up there for SXSW (in the late 80s, when it all first began). Now it’s just another hipster Petrie dish filled with mustache wax and Zooey Deschanel’s glitter.

    • miss cankles says:

      yeah, this is the first year in a while that I haven’t gone and I’m not missing it (too much). It’s just too much velvet rope bullshit and marketing blowhards now.

      I do miss Austin, and for all my complaining, every year I’ve gone I’ve made at least 1-2 solid real friends just randomly at parties. But I don’t even think the badge is worth it anymore. Even the prestige of getting panel seems to be totally gone.

  11. Dr. Gary says:

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: she is SO embarrassing.

    Why in the world does she keep going back to SXSW? She has no legitimate reason to be there. Except maybe wallet chasing?

    • Albie Quirky says:

      Shark, swimming in scheme juices and bile, can’t stop moving or she will realize what a hollow sham her life really is and sink to the bottom of the sad dot com tank, perhaps never to rise again.

      • CDB says:

        I have come down here to the “Leave a Reply” section to the time and effort to write that I thought your comment was spectacularly insightful. I could have just liked your comment but I wanted to tell you in person. That is all

      • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

        So much this.

        She does this shit because she thinks it gives her life meaning, and makes her part of the cool crowd. Never mind that everyone spends the whole event avoiding her. She marks it on some invisible (or, knowing her, literal) checklist of things she ‘did’ that year to convince herself that she isn’t a friendless, aimless, jobless drifter cavorting across the country faking some socialite fantasy she isn’t rich or popular enough to adequately approximate.

        If she wasn’t so vile I would almost feel sorry for her. Then, of course, “I guess I’m not invited to the wedding? ;)” “I was inside!” “It was $1,700!” “The home we shared!” “COMICAN’T MAKE IT TO YOUR MEMORIAL GRAMPS” etc. and suddenly the fucks I give could fill a cockroach’s shot glass.

    • miss cankles says:

      It’s just like a yearly high school reunion. Interactive is (in my opinion) mostly a waste of time especially since many of the parties are private and invite-only.

      On the other hand, music and film are a ton of fun and *those* are worth paying for. But our girl won’t be attending any screenings or attending any cool music showcases, will she? That would mean being interested in something other than herself.

      • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

        She won’t do anything cool, you’re right. She will be standing outside parties refreshing her tweeter hoping someone has gotten back to her, and messaging furiously to look like she is meeting up with someone, all while waiting and hoping to spot someone she can latch on to and follow around.

        I seem to recall that last year she was spotted being turned away from places when this tactic failed?

  12. miss cankles says:

    Doesn’t she have these people’s phone numbers? Why is she doing this?

    Maybe because I’m at my expiration date, but I hate when people make plans on Twitter. DM OR TEXT.

    • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

      I know you’re being rhetorical, but there are real reasons for why she does this.

      1) She is primarily just name dropping so people think she associates with the ‘cool kids.’

      2) She probably thinks that if she publicly calls on those people to hang with her then it makes an unofficial ‘date’ that they are less likely to break. Which, you know, we saw how well that worked out for her when she frantically tweeted everyone and their hairdresser for this most recent NYFW.

      Mostly number one, though. Leaving the idea out there that she COULD hang out with those people, because she, like, totally knows them and stuff, is almost as fulfilling to her as actually seeing them. Pertheption and prethentathion.

  13. F. Scott Bitchgerald says:

    3 hour wait to get your SXSW badge: http://www.buzzfeed.com/scott/south-by-schadenfreude

    satisfying

  14. Donkeycam now! says:

    Any cat ladies in the Austin area, please wear a surgical mask at all times.

    According to the CDC, canklehausen is one of the top 10 airborne diseases in the world.

    BE CAREFUL!! Being in the proximity of an infected donkey can be fatal!!!

  15. So Blessed. says:

    I watched a terrible TLC show a few days ago–one ripe with the promise of more adult babies and persons who eat nail polish.

    It featured The Pink Lady of Hollywood (ask Dr. Google). The most donk-resonant parts are featured on her “resume”: Loves pink and my pooch :) Internationally known as The PINK Lady (because I have only worn the color PINK for 25 years!) I am a TV Personality/Character Actress/Reality TV Star and have been featured on many TV Shows

    Although the stall is currently occupied, Donk has a future! IN HOLLYWOOD! Just like Toliet Julia and the gang!

    Image so fat, so sorry. [img]http://a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/36/d53424dc791e2fa947cf79722e495992/l.jpg[/img]

  16. Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

    Seems Donkey is finding it harder and harder to network. Is this because she’s random and people see no benefit to associating with someone they’ve never heard of, or because people know of her all too well and are avoiding the braying famewhore?

    • brayniac says:

      Generally networking works if both people have something to contribute of some value to the other person. What exactly does Donkey bring to the table other than braying and immediate shame of being associated with someone who so transparently using you while scanning the crowd for someone better? I think she’s also got a bit of a reputation especially amongst that crowd (isn’t Asha there? Brit? Dave Morin?) Where are all those people?

      So I guess what i’m saying is that the answer is a little bit of both.

    • JuliaCleaver says:

      do not confuse networking with marketing..that its what Randi Z did and it got her fired no less..how bad do you have to be to get fired form a job your brother got you?

      Lets see how can market JA..

      hmm.. Tired of Perez Hilton? why bot hire JA? She looks better..and as added bonus we keep her muzzle on!

  17. a JA moment says:

    Not sure if this was already reported, but I found a little gem on Donk’s Facebook page last night:

    JA’s status: Thank you to Lewis Howes, Taryn Southern & Julia Price for making my 31st birthday week in Palm Springs so special … I love you!!! (& Princess Lillydog too!)

    Taryn Southern’s comment on that status: Taryn Southern We all had a lovely time! Glad that we all got to celebrate your birthday as well :-)

    Leads me to the suspect that BOTH of Julia’s “birthday parties” were in fact not her birthday party – just events she hijacked! Crazy.

    • Edward R. Burro says:

      Yikes. “We all had a lovely time!” is a sentence my mom used to use when leaving a suburban ladies’ bridge party (made up of ladies she didn’t actually like) in 1975.

      • Albie Quirky says:

        It is right up there with “Bless your heart!” and “That was so different!” in the lexicon of genteel passive-aggressive ladyslams.

        • Edward R. Burro says:

          Also, “You always look so cute in that!” with the emphasis on the “always”.

      • CDB says:

        I like the glad we all got to celebrate your birthday AS WELL (emphasis mine) . It was her going out of her way to let everyone know that they went there of work not to celebrate a birthday.

        BURN

  18. juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

    I feel like I am the only Mexican at SXSW. I am going to be easy to spot for Julia.

  19. Nickelodeon Chic says:

    Was going to go to Julia’s panel if I didn’t make it into the Joss Whedon panel, both starting in 30 minutes. Has there ever been a more dramatic difference between two options?

    • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

      Reports say the muppet face was especially muppety today.

      • Dog Yapping & Donkey Tears says:

        LOL!

      • Powerful Moms with Fantastic Sons (aka Cindy McCain's Medicine Cabinet) says:

        Please, Julia WISHES she looked as natural as Janice, who actually had skills and talent she brought to the Muppet crew.

    • Dyspeptic says:

      Wow, that would be a really hard decision for me. Lessee, trainwreck versus demigod; demigod versus trainwreck.

  20. SFish says:

    “Don’t hire the guy who can do the job today, hire the guy who can do the job in two years.” – @BenjLerer during his kick ass speech @ #SXSW

    Seriously, does this make ANY sense at all? Although, if you’re hiring people unable to do the job you’re hiring them for, that would explain a lot about most internet startups.

    • Albie Quirky says:

      i.e., hire your friend from college or whoever. It’s OK. He’ll figure it out as soon as he finishes rehabbing that sweet fixie and organizing a mustache competition. HELLO WELCOME TO TUMBLR

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      It makes so much sense to wait two years because employee turnover in the tech industry is so tiny & cute! Tech employees will mostly stay with their current companies until the day they die, basically.

    • mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

      With absolutely no idea of the context, I am guessing it is supposed to mean hire people who are innovative? Like, don’t hire the guy who is thinking about the tech of now, hire the guy who is thinking about the tech of the future?

      Of course, I don’t think Julia has any idea what he meant. She just thinks it makes a good soundbite that makes her look smart and attentive. It had simple words and fit in 140 characters, basically.

      Seriously, Donkey, what have you EVER done that was innovative? Horizontal scrolling blog? Reality show years after such a thing became a total embarrassment? Veneers on just the front four? What?

    • The Missing Davos Report says:

      This from the woman who said she expects her interns to figure out how to do things.

  21. Nickelodeon Chic says:

    Hahaha I’m in the Meg McCain panel and people are asking questions about celebrities tweeting shills. Smart agent panelist said clearly that disclosure is a legal mandate and that people need to align with brands that authentically mesh with celeb brand. So, the opposite of Volvo Cheesy Skillets. I wonder if JA is in this room.

    • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

      I dunno, I view Volvo Cheesy Skillets as being pretty true to her brand: suburban mom minus children and ability to feed herself without heavy assistance from Kraft.

  22. Keep sxsw donk free says:

    I was at the panel. (Actually was called a “core conversation”.) Will expound later. So crazy to see her in person. She was, and the panel went, EXACTLY as I expected.

    • Pelts O'Glory says:

      Cannot wait for the details lol…anything to distract from this 10-page paper I keep avoiding.

      • juliaspublicist's rococo pile of polyester juliaspublicist says:

        Apparently said couch surfing and equated we dog as a child that fits into a purse, which is really convenient. And each session has a Twitter hash tag, and hers only had one tweet.

        • Not Random says:

          It wasn’t so much a “session” as it was a trainwreck. Yeah, bragged “I am the queen of couchsurfing!” — as if being a mooch is something to be proud of, especially when trying to portray that you’re so OMG wealthy that you dress in head-to-toe designer clothes.

          She also talked about Pancakes and said that “it worked” because she was traveling a lot and he was so busy with the military. Yeah, “it worked” so well that he dumped your psychotic ass.

          • Dr. Gary says:

            She is a lunatic.

            WTF does Pancakes have to do with being a ‘digital nomad’? Fucking name dropper.

          • Not Random says:

            I don’t know if you know this, but Julia Allison Baugher is a narcissist and sociopath who can only bask in the reflected glory of others — even when they’re not really famous, don’t want to be, and also want NOTHING to do with her.

  23. mcakez: Taste the Passion! of Relationship Tofu! says:

    Dudes, do I want this shirt? It even has chiclet teef!

    [img]http://sale.images.woot.com/uniCONErfyStandard.png[/img]

  24. Not Random says:

    Here’s her at SXSW today (tried to embed, didn’t work): http://tinypic.com/r/ipcabk/5

    Consider this: Instead of rambling to a sparsely populated conference hall like last year, this year she piggybacked on someone else’s talk in a sparsely populated hotel room. At the same time as she was riding some rando “social media consultant” coattails, the most visible exec at “her” network was hosting a panel on the fusion of social media and TV — a panel she was pointedly NOT invited to participate in or attend. Hmm.

  25. Little girl pedaling alone in the rain with her own wet cake says:

    I honestly find Rachel Sklar’s twitter feed more obnoxious than Donkey’s.

    Every fucking tweet is “Hiiiiiii tech person/VC person/journalist I think you’re amaaaazing! Gang signs!”

    Fuck her.

    • Not Random says:

      Saw her in the Hilton Bar today with two dudes. She let her hair grow back out and it looks great.

  26. Handbag Cohen Stuffed With Hair says:

    I want to thank all my fellow RBDer’s who are reporting from SXSW, especially given the sweet, sweet weekend I’ve had. Not a hint of a donkey over here, which makes me feel like y’all have taken a (ruminant) bullet.

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