I am going to take over from my dear lover JP, who is having a hell of a year running errands at his desk and is also suffering a debilitating case of Donkey Lethargyitis Maximus, something that strikes many of us as we watch the tedious “lather, rinse, repeat” of Julie Albertson’s pathetic existence, and yet, never me. Paging Dr. Freud!
Anyway, when we left off, Donk had just used up every possible weapon in her arsenal to shut down RBNS, including Dadsers and “Jack McCain’s Lawyer,” because she had recently managed to obtain two jewels — a column-writing job at Tribune Media Services, and the aforementioned McCain. She desperately wanted any online recounting of her chronic vileness scrubbed clean from the Internet.
She failed when RBD rose from the ashes like a griffin a couple of weeks later.
And so to provide an even better cover story for the McCains, she attempted to become the poster girl of online bullying, disgustingly comparing herself to actual teen bullying victims who were beaten or killed based simply upon their sexuality.
This way, you see, she could suggest to her new employers and to the McCains that oh no, OF COURSE she wasn’t a notorious gold-digging self-obsessed slothful grifting fame whore. We were simply haters, hating her for no reason at all, because in fact, she was a blossoming Republican — not “very liberal” anymore but simply a sweet girl who “tries not to have political views” and loves to wash dishes with the church ladies. Can’t you see, Cindy? She’ll make a fine bride one day!!
In late January, Tribune Media Services announced that Donkey would be their new social media columnist, although the Tribune itself seemed to regard the news with as much disdain as the supposed cyber-bullies. Donkey brayed triumphantly with typical hyperbole and exaggeration. She’d be internationally syndicated, and appearing in 100+ newspapers around the world! Wow! An actual job, and a famous boyfriend! Life was looking up for a Muppet!
And when life is looking up, Donkey becomes particularly cunty and doesn’t hesitate to shank a bitch. She demanded a correction from the Chicago Tribune and got it. She wrangled several out of the New York Times for correctly describing her as a onetime sex columnist. But she saved her best for the bitch who mocked her for Tweeting WHY DO MEN STILL RAPE WOMEN after the Lara Logan incident in Egypt. When her Twitter follower pointed out correctly that Donkey only weighs in on such issues when they involve celebrities, Donkey showed her ass in the worst and most chilling way possible.
A few months later, by the way, she was playing along with Tucker Max’s rape joke about her. Yes, so very personally affected by rape, our Donks.
With the first Tribune Media Services column slated to appear in early March, her true colors emerged on the work ethic front too. Donk began soliciting publicly for a slave to basically write the column for her in addition to a host of other laughable NonSociety chores, pretty rich considering NonSociety — a COLLECTION OF HORIZONTAL-SCROLLING BLOGS, don’t forget — was already well in the throes of a slow, painful and embarrassing “no fuck you money for you!” death. Oh honey. Another unpaid intern? It is to laugh.
As the column launched, with only a handful of papers picking it up, Donkey continued her online bullying screeds. She even appeared at SXSW in a meandering, pointless whinefest that was ridiculed by many in attendance.
She wrote about the terrible scourge for her TMS column, and vowed to devote her life to wiping it out (OMG — what a great First Lady cause!!!). Even Daddy weighed in publicly, enormously embarrassing himself professionally since he failed to mention he was writing about his own daughter’s latest How To Lock Down A Man scam.
And about the man. Ohhhh boy. He was the greatest love of all, y’all. She’d NEVER felt so loved! So loved that she was sneaking into his phone and email whenever they had any face time together! And yet she blogged and Tweeted the crap out of the relationship, violating every possible privacy, as though they were passionately, desperately in love and no love had ever loved like this love loved and OMG how they loved, they loved, they really really loved. Even though any idiot could tell from this Tweet alone that Pancakes was beginning to see just how profoundly self-absorbed and stupid she is. I am sure the campaign against sugar didn’t help on that front.
Julie Albertson, Girl Guide cookie in hand, mid-Sugar Should Be Outlawed Campaign. “I was just holding it!!” she claimed.
Shockingly enough, she was soon dumped and dumped cold after they spent perhaps a grand total of two weeks together, since Donk was in Sweden for part of their precious time together on a sponsored trip that she failed to blog about as promised. Donkey being Donkey, she latched on like a barnacle and refused to leave Cindy’s condo in Coronado until Pancakes ordered her out, even buying packing materials for her. Her Tweets and blog posts were revealed to have been gross exaggerations that he later told people were aimed at improving her image, either to her “fans” or her family.
And yet when she was dumped, she carried as though her husband of 35 years walked out on her for his 22-year-old yoga instructor; strangely enough, exactly the same way she did when Prom King dumped her ass just 10 months earlier. She also made sure to leak news of this breakup — and her vacancy of the “home they shared” where she paid no rent, did no household chores and was apparently a rude, lousy house guest — to various news outlets. And, of course, she wrote a TMS column defending “ethical snooping.”
Yet somehow, SOMEHOW, haters, she survived the worst heartbreak the world has ever known and carried on!! Eternally single, her summer seemed to consist of of attending other people’s weddings while weepily posting wedding photos on her own blog, as always. I won’t get into all the weddings because they’re too boring, but Dave and Brit Morin’s in Montana was a cornucopia of Donkey Goodness. She wore this to a Western-themed wedding:
And she got some exercise and believed she was special for it:
With her insanity on full display and her column getting progressively more adolescent and pointless, Donkey bested the too-tight Taylor Swift jean shorts and the hideous cowgirl outfit, faked illness, bailed on a longtime commitment to go to France with childhood friends and literally showed her ass at Burning Man:
The entire Burning Man episode, indeed, was Donkey at her most insane. There was such a barrage of DERP DERP photos, screengrabs and Donkey-isms that it’s hard to reproduce them all here. Just remember, bitches and assholes, there is no judgment in Black Rock City.
The funniest, however, is how she wrote a TMS column lauding herself for “going off the grid,” and then proceeded to post a billion half-naked photos of herself online, opening up her Facebook so that people could see them and even directing strangers to the photos via her Twitter. Such a frightened bullying victim, our donkey.
We’re not sure if this was the turning point for TMS, but by September, her craptastic column was failing to appear. But the end of October, sharp-eyed cyber-bullies noticed a news release on the TMS website revealing the company had decided not to renew her contract. It vanished about 15 seconds after it appeared on RBD. Daddy still pulls some strings!!
Why was Donkey so nervous about the truth being revealed? Because she’d just inked a deal to appear in a Bravo reality show that required her to have a job as an “advice” columnist. Which explained why she took her crap-ass column into lame Q and A territory, I guess.
Before long Donk was grifting a moving company — they’re still waiting for their blog post, apparently — and had moved to L.A. with a brand-new OMG BFF SISTER TINY AND CUTE DOG SITTER room-mate, Toilet Julia, also known as Flusher Price. Her new bestie, an aspiring bad musician, was apparently motivated by the modicum of attention she might receive as part of the reality show. She’s about the only one of Donk’s many “friends” who would sign a release to appear, something that caused Donkey to suddenly espouse feminist principles.
But it wasn’t an entirely new beginning. Old habits die hard, and Donkey wasn’t finished messing with her exes. First she ran into [REDACTED] at a Burning Man reunion, and physically accosted him. Then she brayed publicly that Pancakes McCain had called her, suggesting he might be back in her life. The truth, as always, bore no resemblance to Donkey’s version of events.
Donk’s move to Marina Del Bray has been largely unremarkable except for her Single White Female desire to date a musician and her apparent inability to function as a normal adult.
Bright side? At least Lilly is no longer being dragged through various airports to shit on the carpets of strangers while Donkey has loud sex on their couches. But other than that, it truly is another year of lather, rinse and repeat. More professional bridges burned, another relationship in ruins, another frightened ex who just wants her to go away, another tiny-and-cute BFF who will be history in a year, no lessons learned, no professional or personal prospects and an injected face that gets more fucked-up looking with every passing day. Can’t wait til the 2012 review!!
p.s. Angry, sort of sad adults: This took me AGES. I know I have missed things. But if anyone starts any comments saying: “I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DIDN’T INCLUDE …” I will set the homicidal kitten on you. This bitch does something psycho once a week. If I wrote about every single thing, I’d be here til Christmas.