Sometimes I wish I could sneak a look at God’s plan, just for a second …
Oh honey. God has nothing to do with your loser life and your inability to snag a rich husband. Neither do horoscopes, ashrams and Burning Man fraud artists. If you want to change your life, it’s pretty simple: Stop being a lying, man-hungry weasel fuelled entirely by scheme juices. Acknowledge aforementioned insanity. Get lifelong therapy. Get off the Internet. Get a job. Grow up.
Then “God’s plan” might be amenable to you. He doesn’t generally like do-nothing assholes.
p.s. Hey haters. Tipsters have confirmed it’s Elle where Donkey’s faux advice columnist blurb will appear. IT’S MONOGRAMMED!