The Runaway Pancake: A 2011 Year-In-Review, In Two Exciting Parts! Part One: Securing a McCain By Disappearing RBNS

The long, seemingly interminable nightmare that is our Donkey’s very existence soldiered on in 2011, taking us back and forth across the country, racking up frequent flier miles, and yet going absolutely nowhere.

As 2010 drew to a close, seasoned cat ladies might have found it hard to believe that our little reality show starring Julia Allison could have become any more miserable, desperate or sad. We saw the sputtering end of the once promising tech start-up — eyeroll —  NonSociety and its affiliated, revenue-generating show TMI Weekly, the frantic exodus of a ramshackley blonde and the quiet retreat of a dim Puerto Rican. We were introduced to — and then immediately forgot about — our meth-faced, homosexual Burger King. We watched Donkey begin to process a John Mayer concert and a visit to the ashram, witnessed her do battle with Oprah Winfrey’s draconian business practices, attempt to break up an upcoming marriage and try to shut down her snark blog, twice.

Yes, 2010 (see Exhibit A) ended with our heinous donkey living her life as a homeless couch surfer with no job. Now Julia is ending a year as an unemployed Californian surfing her own couch. Progress?

Oh, honey, no.

Things were looking up for Donks at the close of last year. The launch of her widely distributed social media column was forthcoming, and she somehow heehawed her way into a well known political family by serving herself a heaping helping of pancakes with a side of pancakes. And as we lovingly chronicled Julia Allison’s hosebeastiness in one fell swoop, Julia Allison was stopping at nothing to ensure that Senator John McCain would cry at her wedding while Cindy McCain mustered something that resembled emotion.

The year also began with Julia Allison transfixing her readers with this outfit:

Our donkey dumbass rang in the New Year by showing off her padded tits and her political progeny to her third-tier friends at the OMG downtown Chicago condo. Our dear Pancakes was made to exhibit himself and his cooking skills while Julia showed her inflated knockers and her severely misshapen legs. But while we are all in our basements, frozen in terror at the sight of someone’s super slutty mom, an army was unknowingly being assembled.

Deep in the recesses of Mordor, an evil was stirring as Julia Allison gathered her malicious Orc army, hellbent on destroying the peaceful basement dwellers of The Shire, wiping them off the face of Middle Earth until she ruled the entire land with a clunky “statement” ring she acquired through a shill, but told everyone was given to her in a proposal for marriage.

It had all started in October 2010 with a donkey searching the entire Internet to find clues about the identities of two awesome, witty and immensely attractive bloggers. The wonky eye of our donkey scoured the land from its tower in Mordor and set its sights on some random  bystander she believed to be the most sophisticated and handsome gay man alive today, Julia’s Publicist. A sinister message was sent to the first email account that came up on Julia Allison’s Google search and the recipient was all, “What now?”

OK, I know you’re [REDACTED] and you’re also either juliaspublicist or you know who is. I’ll assume the former; in my court, you’re guilty until proven innocent. I want you to take down rbns and baugher.tumblr.com, permanently.

This is not Julia. I’ve never met Julia. Julia does not know about this email. I just think you’re a dick.

OK, then. I found it hysterical that some random would white-knight our donkey to some stranger unaffiliated with the late, great Reblogging NonSociety around the same time she threatened us with legal action.

Please remove the photograph you posted of me today.

That photograph is not your property, and you do not have permission to use it on your blog.

Thank you.

Our response:

Donks,

Use of the photo falls under fair use since the purpose of using it is to comment on your costume. The face of “the boy”  you are dating was kindly blurred out so as to not invade his privacy. I was given his name and some basic information about him from one of your “friends,” but chose to withhold any information that would expressly identify him. Furthermore, the photo to which you raise your concern is not posted on our blog, rather linked to the location that was directed to us by one of your “friends.”

It should be stated that people would have not been encouraged to send us the photo of your “boy” had you not gone and try to be coy with your sex tweets on Twitter. (Seriously, the smiley tweets are kind of gross.) My advice: if you want to a relationship to remain private, don’t tweet or blog about it in even a vaguely coy manner. As you have said before, nothing posted on the internet is truly private.

God bless and enjoy your travels. May you experience a little bit of magic everyday.

JP

And then hers, some days later:

To Whom It May Concern:

Do not use ANY of my photographs.

They are not yours, and let me be absolutely clear: YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO USE THEM ON YOUR SITE.

You are infringing upon my copyright, and if you continue to do so, I will be forced to take legal action.

Please REMOVE ALL photographs that you have taken from my website.

And no, it’s not “fair use.”  Trust me.

Sincerely,
Julia Allison

Equally hysterical was the fact that these sinister threats occurred around the same time she would meet one Pancakes McHelobabe. Naturally, since Julia Allison received a Juris Doctorate from one of the top law schools in America, we took the threats seriously.

Haha! No, we didn’t. We were like: “Whatever, bitch.”

Things seemed to calm down as the fatties of The Shire celebrated the New Year with boxes of wine, but then our Donkey unleashed her dark forces. As we all gathered for our daily merriment on January 4, we quickly learned that our peaceful home was burnt to the ground as Reblogging NonSociety was unceremoniously shut the fuck down by WordPress.

Chaos ensued. Dozens of emails from concerned readers filled our inboxes. Numerous attorneys rushed to our aid at no charge. And Julia Allison began her campaign to destroy anyone and anything that didn’t worship her. First, there were the gloating messages sent to Jacy and me from one Morning Muffin, also known as gloating donkey Julia Allison.

You fucked up.  Probably should avail yourself of a good lawyer.  Word is that this is a long way from over.  You were warned.

And then:

Do you know why pedophiles are only very reluctantly paroled?

Because they cannot be rehabilitated.

And so it is with sociopaths like you, and your “new” site.

A little birdie tells me another takedown notice is forthcoming.  Theft of intellectual property, as well serious libel, can be a very costly exercise.

The thing you really want to ask yourselves is just how much you can afford and is it worth it?

Have fun, girls.

Hahahaha!

Finally Julia Allison unleashed her  most powerful weapon, a tiny, weaselly little Orc known as Dadsers.

Ol’ Petey Baugher sent Jacy and me a cease-and-desist letter. Coincidentally, “cease” and “desist” are the the safe words Dadsers uses when he’s tied up like a naughty, butt hungry power bottom. [Editor’s Note: KIDDING! Haha! Now it’s not libel, suckers!]

First, Julia put on her lawyer hat in the middle of the night and pretended to be a lawyer representing someone who was mentioned on our blog. The “lawyer” insisted we had infringed on copyright and was therefore issuing threats anonymously. Because that’s what real, professional lawyers do. They send emails in the middle of the night from fake email addresses, and those emails include scary, threatening legal language. They also refuse to identify themselves, lest we know that said lawyer was a braying hosebeast that had absolutely lost her shit in her campaign to snag a McCain. [Editor’s Note: This is going to start to read a like a boring ass law blog for attorneys at LOL]

INITIAL LETTER OF INFRINGEMENT/HARASSMENT

To Whom This May Concern,

It has come to my attention from one of my clients in the past few weeks that your site(s) has included my name, likeness, voice and several other identifying characteristics without my consent. Further, you have used many of the videos and photographs (intellectual property) I have taken without my consent. Besides failing to meet the majority of the TOS for WordPress, you are also guilty of the following when it comes to myself:

1 – intellectual copyright infringement

2 – trademark infringement

3 – invasion of privacy / misappropriation of persona

4 – invasion of right to publicity

5 – tortuous interference with a contract

Please provide me with the name and contact information of your attorney immediately. If I do not hear back within 48 hours, I will be moving forward with my infringement notice and cease and desist through WordPress. Although you may argue that Julia Allison is a public figure, I am not, and I have kept in-depth records of the problems this website has caused me in the past six months. Further, I backed up all of the posts and am more than happy to present them in court. Julia’s issues are her own, and my feeling is if she hasn’t tried to stop you in the past she probably won’t in the future, but unfortunately I take a difference stance on my reputation. 

You do not have my permission to forward this email or post it on any site. Hopefully we will come to an amicable solution, however, for your own good I suggest you take down the WordPress site immediately, as I have asked for a list of ISP providers and will have no problem notifying them, as well as the employers of many of the commenters and moderators of this site/future sites. Many of the posts and comments on this site were done during work hours from work computers and I do not have an reservations with naming them in the suit. In fact, I probably work with a lot of their CEO’s and CMO’s and they’ll be less than thrilled to hear what their employees have been up to.

I will tell you right now – this is a legal battle you do not want to engage in, and I have no problem giving it the full attention it deserves because I will not be slandered as an innocent person who has nothing to do with this. So the choice is up to you. Do you want to go down a long legal battle that I will make sure you lose or do you want to continue your actions, which only will add more evidence to my case? Let me know.

Warmest Regards,

Someone who should never have been on your radar 

To understand that Julia Allison is absolutely insane, it is important to note that Reblogging Nonsociety had already been shut down, so the letter was basically meaningless. But that didn’t stop Daddy Fuckwad up there from sending us an almost identically worded cease-and-desist letter on his personal letterhead [clicky click to read] shortly thereafter. You know it’s serious when you refuse to use your law firm’s letterhead to stifle your daughter’s braying princess fit. The cease-and-desist was sent from his law firm email, however, which may or not be an ethics violation, depending on who you ask. Another possible ethics violation? Oh, addressing the cease-and-desist to someone about whom Julia and Dadsers had absolutely no proof was involved with RBNS (because they weren’t) and faxing it to that person’s workplace.

Oh yes, remember that random person who received those threatening emails in October, saying they were Julia’s Publicist? That’s who the  first cease-and-desist was sent to, despite having not a shred of evidence that this particular person merited daddy’s legal threats. (Julia claimed that she discovered this person’s identity through the work of a private investigator, which, haha! No, you cheap ass donkey!)

But Julia Allison was on a roll during those dark days as she simmered in scheme juices and plotted ways to get Pancakes to put a ring on it.

Because you people love Jacy and me unconditionally and would throw yourselves off a bridge should she or I ever die, you set up a Free RBNS page on Facebook as we attempted to build a new home.

Well, that was just stupid of you.

Now Julia knew who you were. And finally, Julia Allison learned to use Google and searched your names and found out where you work.  And soon enough, Jack McCain’s Lawyer *cough cough* Julia Allison and/or her minions *cough cough* called your workplaces and threatened to tell your bosses that you OMGREADABLOG and should therefore be immediately terminated.  Indeed, this so-called lawyer called a random RBNS reader and claimed to have left a message with the company’s CEO about this reader’s involvement with our once glorious website. “Jack McCain’s Lawyer” claimed there were transcripts of comments from this reader, even though she’d never once commented on RBNS.

“Jack McCain’s Lawyer” then proceeded to freak this reader out by stating his/her work address and threatening to come over in person. (This reader was conveniently located mere blocks from the OMG Downtown Chicago Condo.) Because this is what “Jack McCain’s Lawyer” does. He wages legal battles on behalf of John McCain’s son’s butter sculpture of a girlfriend.

Oh, and that’s not all. Yet ANOTHER reader who commented under her own name started receiving threats via email from someone who claimed wasn’t Julia Allison but somehow felt the need to defend Julia Allison. And what do you know? It was from the same fake email as the lawyer who likes to send out legal threats at 2 a.m., when donkeys are most active. Donkeys are apparently nocturnal animals. They are also assholes. Again these emails stated where our reader worked and threatened to contact her company’s CEO to inform them that they OMGREADABLOG and should, naturally, be fired. It was also suggested that this reader “lawyer up” for reading a blog.

But that was not all! The writer of these sinister emails claimed to have absolutely no association with Julia Allison. Then why, oh why, did this same reader get a copy of the cease-and-desist that was sent to Jacy, me and the random bystander with no affiliation with RBNS? Because Julia Allison is an asshole, that’s why.

This poor reader emailed Peter Baugher, informing him of his daughter’s borderline illegal behavior and warning him that the problem was his hosebeast of a daughter, and not the Internet. Peter never responded, but Julia did, claiming that she would never write those threatening emails but that she knew who did. (OF COURSE she knew who did, because it was Julia Allison.) Our brave commenter then basically told Donkey to go fuck herself, and was rewarded with a trademark: “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE NOT BELIEVING MY LIES?”

Yes, those were dark days. The war waged on, and, like all wars, this one was not without its casualties. Innocent people were harassed and our home was destroyed. But you Cheeto-horfing losers with nothing better to do are resilient people, and after a few weeks of wandering through the wildnerness, we began building our new home here at rebloggingdonk.com.

To be continued with a roundup of all the additional Donkey lunacy …..

 

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45 Responses to The Runaway Pancake: A 2011 Year-In-Review, In Two Exciting Parts! Part One: Securing a McCain By Disappearing RBNS

  1. Scooby Don't says:

    Recap!
    Happy happy joy joy!

  2. solidarity cat says:

    [img]http://home.comcast.net/~alienofshadows/CatHorray.jpg[/img]

  3. Little Orphan Lilly says:

    *sniffle* Oh man, this recap is taking me back. We were like the wandering tribes of Israel, until JP and Jacy parted the Butterworth Sea and we scampered to safety…that’s how the story goes, right?

  4. Albie Quirky says:

    Can I get an “Amen!” in here?

  5. Ineffably Adverbial (Return of the Eyebrows of Fury) says:

    It’s been a helluva year, cat ladies and gents. I mistily remember racing into chat the morning that RBNS went poof, demanding answers and immediately exhibiting withdrawal symptoms.

    It’s good to be home. RBDonk 4evs!

  6. Frequent Liar Miles says:

    You rang? In your first sentence, yet — I am honored.

  7. Random Snowflake says:

    This is some good reading.. Ah, memories..

  8. bunnies says:

    I am not even done reading but I am crying laughing at the frightened lolcat. A++.

  9. K_Swizz says:

    I am so incredibly happy right now.

  10. The Tortuous and the Hair says:

    You rang? I thought I’d never be rung; this makes me so very happy!

    P.S. FYI Donkey, I believe the word you were looking for was tortious.

  11. Donksers says:

    What a fun read! Laughed out loud through the entire thing and will be re-reading it later tonight. Julia Allison’s hideousness and general assholery is captured so beautifully. I just can’t get over how much fun it is to point and laugh at her. Thanks for another great year, JP and Jacy!

  12. BJ KELLEY'S FISTED ASSHOLE says:

    I was kind of rung/ranged for.

  13. Frequent Liar Miles says:

    P.S.: That Orc thing does strangely resemble Peter Bogger, especially around the snooper area. Hysterical [sic]!

  14. idiotbox says:

    OMFG.

    As if I didn’t find smarmy dadser disturbing enough. The resemblance is uncanny. I am having a nightmare tonight.

    Brilliant work, JP.

  15. Donkey Ho-Tay says:

    I was planning on working plate, but now I”m just shutting off the computer, picking up some Cheetos and Franzia and going home for a good read.

    Jacy, JP, Catfolk: Thanks for all the glorious hours.

    • Frequent Liar Miles says:

      “Working plate” is a delightful slip. (Personal take from one who declines to perform desk errands after-hours unless there is some pretty damned decent meal-allowance menu involved. Never a problem in foodie SF.)

  16. Tremendous Liar; Donkey of Repugnance says:

    JP: Not to be a pedant (doesn’t that word sound gay already?), but wouldn’t the adjective “cock hungry” make more sense than “bottom hungry” if Petty Fogger is a power bottom?

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Don’t take this wrong, but I just have to laugh at you schooling JP in gay-speak … it’s every bit as ironical as Donkey covering Fashion Week. :-)

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Hi there.

        Had I not thought the situation hysterical, I wouldn’t have said anything!!! ;)

        xo
        tl;dr

    • juliaspublicist cried his rhinestone off juliaspublicist says:

      • Tremendous Liar; Donkey Repugnant says:

        Right, now I’m certainly not thinking of gay stuff. To quote Julia at the winging and at every other dignified event, really, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

  17. bf says:

    Christ. I almost forgot what an asshole she is/was….

    • solidarity cat says:

      Right? She’s been so quiet since they started filming. It’s good to have a little refresher every now and then.

  18. Delurked says:

    “John McCain’s son’s butter sculpture of a girlfriend” and “you Cheeto-horfing losers” has me LITERALLY tearing up with cackles.

    • solidarity cat says:

      Me too. JP, some really excellent turns of phrase here.

    • DirtyLakeMichigan says:

      I got all giddy at this part: “Deep in the recesses of Mordor, an evil was stirring as Julia Allison gathered her malicious Orc army, hellbent on destroying the peaceful basement dwellers of The Shire, wiping them off the face of Middle Earth until she ruled the entire land…”

  19. JFA says:

    She so obviously wrote that anonymous lawyer’s letter, which is just goddamn hilarious. Yeah, um, lawyers aren’t allowed to send anonymous letters you goddamn moron. Also, not allowed to object to the use of such letter, like posting it etc. I’m not even speaking as a lawyer because this shit is just so patently obvious. That makes me laugh, and laugh.

    • JFA says:

      Oh, der MY BAD. She admits that it is HER writing it. Still, fucking hilarious. I love when she says “YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO POST THIS” about her emails etc. She really has no clue. Also she obviously sent that pouting, before Dadsers finally, finally agreed to get his hands in this game. Because you KNOW he really did not want to.

      • JFA says:

        Wait, I’m confused again…WHO WROTE THAT??????? Can someone please explain to me???? I don’t get it??????

        • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

          Pssst! Nobody help JFA! I wanna see if she turns into butter before she figures it out on her own.

          LOL … mornin’, Sunshine :-)

          • JFA says:

            LOL!

            It just MAKES NO SENSE! Like it was obviously her writing it…she just could NOT stand not jumping the gun when Dadsers finally caved and probably starting spouting off legal jargon. But it literally MAKES NO SENSE. How stupid do you have to be to not realize a lawyer cannot send an anonymous letter making demands? How would one even get legal advice if they were not supposed to forward it? Goddamnit!!!!!!

        • Shamoo£ia says:

          It sounds like it’s pretending to be from the “lawyer” of Moankia De Myer (remember her?) but no idea. Whoever wrote it is obviously too dumb to pick what voice to write in – either the owner of the photos or the lawyer. It’s hilarious.

          • JFA says:

            Okay, yes. But I thought I remember she actually had a Lol-yer. And even HE coudn’t be stupid enough to send an anonymous letter. Could he???

            I give up. My head hurts.

          • Mini Driver says:

            The letter purports to be from Flapjack’s lawyer, just like the subsequent phone calls. It says that while JAB may not have a cause of action by virtue of being a public figure (alternatively, that she is magnanimously choosing not to sue even though she does have cause), Flapjack does, and RBD was using his image as well as hers.

        • stalker is the new fat says:

          Here’s what we do know: It was written by someone who talks to birds.

  20. DirtyLakeMichigan says:

    Please let it be true that “South Wacker Drive” is really Dad$sters work address.

  21. Every Little Thing She Does is Tragic says:

    I have been dying waiting for this! Kudos, Jacy and JP!

  22. Mini Driver says:

    Christ, how far into last year does this segment even take us? Groundhog Day? We haven’t even hit the Bipolar Birthcray yet. Who can pack so much crayzee into that tight timeframe?

    • How Brayella Got Her Hoove Back says:

      Q. Who can pack so much crayzee into that tight timeframe?

      A. She who can pack so much raftass into tight OMG! Pink! tutus, that’s who.

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