An insider with access to the video of Donk’s speech at her brother’s wedding last summer is hunkered down in a hurricane zone right now with time on his hands and did us a solid by watching the thing and transcribing it, complete with funny commentary! Got an hour? Read it:
Donkey Speech Described By Her Own Mother As “Not Your Best Work”
I, I’m laughing as, as [Allie’s Father] was giving his speech I was laughing at his description of Allie as stubborn. Because it’s not something you think about when you think about Allie. She’s sweet…but you don’t think she’s stubborn [seriouz thinking clicking noise]. And I will say, I have seen a different side of Allie as she, she has planned this wedding. [Giant mouth gaping]. Allie — [speaking to audience] you guys weren’t there — the car did not show up on time to Allie’s house to take her to the church and Allie gets this look on her face, she’s like, [said in very annoying voice attempting to imitate Allie, making her sound like a three- year-old having a tantrum], “I’m walking. I am WALKING to the church!”
This girl was gonna. get. married. today. Okay? No one’s gonna stop her. I can’t, I — she picked up her enormous dress [imitates picking up dress by fussing with her own two-sizes-too-small dress, revealing pushed-up cleavage in the process] and she just marched [pan to Britt and Allie — Allie’s smiling, while Britt is forcing a tight smile with his hand on Allie’s leg but mostly hidden under the table, likely in a death grip in order to control himelf.] We were like, Allie, no, get in the car, get in the car. [Begins annoying imitation again, but this time, growling the words] “No! I’m going to the church. I’m getting married! I’m being serious.” [Pan to Britt and Allie; Allie laughs like she would laugh at an eight-year-old’s knock-knock joke]. And I’m like, okay I see why they actually have so much in common. [Back to the newlyweds — he is frozen in the same position and Allie has turned to him, looking at him with pleading eyes as if to say: ‘It’s OK, pretend it’s a little funny and it’ll be over soon!”]
Now BRIII… [voice cracks in an ungodly bray while saying first stuttered syllable of his name] if you know Britt well, you know that Britt is, is sort of umm, [seriouz thinking clicking noise] an eccentric character. [An unsmiling Britt actually visibly frowns and looks down at the table]. He is a strange dichotomy of stubborn and sweet. [Britt forces a very tiny smile, lips tightly closed]. And mostly stubborn, but the sweet will come out. [B remains emotionless, watching Donkey. Allie looks at Britt and smiles out the side of her mouth at him. He catches her eye and smiles slyly back. Allie mouths something at him and smiles. They remain holding each other’s hands/hands on each other’s legs. They appear to be reassuring each other.]
And because he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would be sweet, he gets three times the credit of a normal person when he does come out with that sweetness. And the example I told yesterday in the room, he actually mowed a heart into the lawn to say I love you Mom for Mother’s Day. He has a propensity to cook baked goods into shapes of hearts. You wouldn’t see it – look at him! Do you see it? Hearts? No. He does it. He love, he, he cooks for Allie constantly – well, baked goods only, okay, so not normal stuff. Umm, [faux thoughtful look upwards] he’s [seriouz thinking clicking noise] he’s, and he will come out, I will, I’ll give you an example. He, he’s, he’s a quiet individual [click click] so he doesn’t talk a lot and you can see why that is, the rest of the family talks for him. But you know, [garbled] why sorta assess the situation and then all of a sudden – BAM – come out with a one-liner that will just floor everyone and then just shut up the rest of the night. I mean, I mean it’s just silence, silence, silence [Allie and Britt look at each other and sort of laugh] and then one-liner and then he just doesn’t say anything else.
So it’s he, he makes his voice heard in that way and I spent the majority of my childhood trying to get him to laugh just doing various things. You know when he does laugh, when he actually pays attention to you, because he never does, it feels SO good. And so when, when Britt and Allie started dating, I remember my dad would say, “What is he saying?!” because he would hear these PEALS of Allie’s laughter – all, all you hear is Allie laughing for hours and hours. I don’t know what B was saying or doing to create that laughter but whatever it was, she found him hilarious and that’s probably why he liked her so much, in addition to the fact she is as, I said yesterday night, the Mary Poppins of women – she is practically perfect in every way.
And I, I would just say this to, to you guys, you know I’m gonna try not to embarrass you as much as I did last night. But you, [seriouz thinking clicking noise] you know, it’s funny, your dad said “Oh your relationship is on and off.” It wasn’t on and off in the way you might think. They had, they are the two most steady, most resolute, most sure of themselves individuals that I have ever met in my entire life. They are, as my mother once said: fully. cooked. I am… still in the oven. And, and because they are so sure of themselves and so confident in who they are and where they’re going [pan to Britt and Allie; she has a half-smile and he has a very odd expression on his face. Without moving his head, his eyes keep darting over at the table where his parents are seated] and what they wanna do with their lives, they, they’ve managed to do it together and in a way that so many young individuals can’t and, and don’t know how to.
And I’ve seen the way they look at each other and, and the way they interact with each other and it’s, it’s just, it’s astounding. And it’s – I asked Britt, and I said this yesterday night, too, I asked him what he wanted me to say during this speech and he said, in his very deadpan manner, [poorly imitating B here, almost a Bart Simpson impression]: “Just say I’m an inspiration.” And, and of course he meant that as a joke because like, right, he’s really such an inspiration??? [This is said very sarcastically. There are audible gasps and oohs then shhhs. Allie looks at Britt. He has a look on his face as thought he’s unsure where this is going. When he hears her say the line “like, right, he’s really an inspiration???” He sits up in his seat and looks over to Allie, his eyes widen, giving her a look that can only be interpreted as, “OMFG, is this even serious?” He is not angry but actually laughing in astonishment that she really said that. Allie can’t look at him, and appears to be afraid she’ll burst into massive laughter, so she looks away and holds back. Britt settles back in his seat, sort of shaking his head]. But, the truth is, you really are an inspiration to me.
And, and sometimes he’ll come out with things, like he [seriouz thinking clicking noise] he hugged — we got into a massive fight on Thursday evening which was lovely. It was, it was definitely exactly like our childhood except I didn’t punch — did I punch you? I don’t remember. And the next thing, he comes and he hugs me and says “I love you” and it’s that kind of thing, I mean, it just…he. really. does. love. deeply. He just doesn’t like to show it. And with Allie, I can’t say it, you know …he loves you so much and we are SO RELIEVED that you are his wife and we can rest assured that we won’t be stuck with anyone else because you are the perfect, perfect sister I could ever ask for and I feel blessed to have both of you in my life so thank you. [Hugs A and B, piece of paper and phone in hand.]