From our comments:
So I went to high school with Pancakes (well, he went to an all boys school and I went to the sister school) and he just popped up on my Facebook feed as “in a relationship” with one of my former classmates. That didn’t take long.
Oh. Dear. How can this possibly be?? He and Julia love each other! She moved in with him! For five whole days before she dumped her dog on him for weeks! They were living together! She shipped her clothes there and redirected her magazines there because it was important they arrived in San Diego in the five short days they lived together! They only broke up because he’s moving to Guam and therefore cannot possibly be in a relationship with anyone! No one! Including no sane women with real hair who don’t blog and Tweet the shit out of their relationship! It’s just not possible! There must be some mistake! HE IS DEPLOYING TO GUAM SOON!!!!
Shhhhhh. Does anyone hear that sound? The sound of a screeching wounded donkey, braying angrily across a continent? Don’t be afraid! She’s been dumped before; she’ll be dumped again, and the cacophony will eventually cease and settle into a menacing silence. But watch out, McCains, and whatever you do, make sure she never, ever knows the identity of the new girlfriend.
It’ll start with a friendly Facebook message. “Hi! I am really happy for you and Jack! I really love Jack, and I want him to be happy. And you’re so tiny and cute! Congratulations! I bet we could be great friends! We obviously both have great taste in men!”
Then we’ll move into this: “Hi! You never messaged me back, which is …. well, sort of rude, to be frank … but that’s OK! LOL! I meant to reiterate, I am really happy for Jack. I really love him! And he loves me too, but I guess you already know that! His awesome family really loves me too! I am besties with his sister, but I guess you already know that too. Hope you guys are super-happy!”
To this: “Hey girl! So you still haven’t replied to my messages! Weird! Hahah. But anyway. Did you know I was in San Diego recently? I was. And, well, you might want to ask your supposed boyfriend if there’s been any overlap. He loves me, you know. We lived together! Are you living together? Didn’t think so. Hahaha! Have a nice day!”
And immediately after she’s fucked with the new girlfriend, there will be a series of “SO HAPPY!” Tweets and long blog postings about how she’s grown as a person, and is aware of her core values. She will also ask: “Is it just me? But I am always so happy for my exes when they move on to find love with someone else. So happy for them, and so proud!”