Suggested Topics For A Donkey Dumbass

Brainstorming #SXSW talk titles. What about “How Social Media Ruined My Life But At Least I Got @Julia Before Anyone Else, LUDDITE-SUCKERS!”

I can think of a few. What about you haters?

Just for starters:

1. How To Finally Get Your Daddy To Listen To Your Screeching Pleas And Send Scary Legal-y Letters To Your Haters.

2. How To Get Busted Fooling Around on Your “Special San Francisco Guy” By Stupidly Posting Your Airline Ticket On Your Blog. Um, errr, ooops!

3. How To Ruin Every Relationship You’ve Ever Had While Grossing Out Your Followers Via Smiley, Winky Emoticons.

4. How To Cry Victim In One Breath While Leaking The Names of Your Code-Named Boyfriends To Your “Hate Site” Not Once, But Twice, Plus E-Mailing Them That You Used To Bone Tim Ferriss As Though That Is Something To Be Proud Of

5. How Not To Dress Stylishly And Why Not To Post Your Horrifyingly Bad Head-to-Toes On Your “Lifecast”

6. Tiara-Thieving: An Expert’s Guide!

7. Pelts: A User’s Manual

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92 Responses to Suggested Topics For A Donkey Dumbass

  1. Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

    OMG FIRST!!!oneoneone

    • Effervescent Suppositories says:

      “juliaallison Julia Allison
      Frantically trying to decide what I should speak about at SXSW. I’m signed up to do a short talk, but paralyzed by topic indecision. Eek!”

      You’re frantic because you’ve got nothing to say Donkia.

  2. Pescachickatarian says:

    How I got a free condo – a practical guide.

    Practicing law anonymously – I’m still only practicing.

    Planes, trains and no job or income.

  3. Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

    How ’bout “How to Convert Moderately Good Looks and Absolutely No Other Talents into Vast Amounts of Fail”

    • Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

      or “Donkey Husbandry – a Guide by a Firsthand Expert – and I Mean Husbandry in Multiple Senses”

    • Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

      “A Special Talk from the World’s Foremost Expert on Veiled Misogyny and Upholding Gender Stereotypes – Julia ‘Amazing Burro’ Allison!”

  4. Prof. F Camping, Doctor of Donkology says:

    Braying Your Way Out of a Parking Ticket

    Get Internet Famous (Even If You’re Nobody!) (c) Wired

    How Gawker Ruined My Life and Tumblr Made Me a Lazy Writer: the Whoa! Is Me Chronicles

  5. Dr. Gary says:

    “At Least I Got @Julia Before Anyone Else, LUDDITE-SUCKERS!”

    Actually, the way I remember it? Someone else had @Julia first. Then Julie stamped her hooves and pitched a fit until Twitter took it away from that person and gave it to her.

    • Pescachickatarian says:

      Dr Gary, you are truly a custodian of her memories.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      How many times do you think this woman has thought about changing her name?

      http://twitter.com/jallisonproject

      • Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

        Poor woman. I see no reason why she deserves this kind of punishment. Julie Boggart could have picked so many other pseudonyms.

        Donkey has probably tried to get Twitter to give her @jallisonproject on multiple occasions, too. I wouldn’t be surprised if even Lilly has multiple Twitter handles.

      • for serious?? says:

        How about the fact that THIS Julia Allison sounds like a fascinating person?

        I’d read a blog about art conservation and installation. Also, I’d watch a reality show about her life.

  6. Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

    Exactly what is a “LUDDITE-SUCKER,” Miss Amazing Burro-Writer? As always, Donkey’s use of a somewhat sophisticated word suggests that she just learned it for the first time five minutes before tweeting it.

    • LEFOOLIEH says:

      Why does she keep tossing in the word “luddite” when she, “tech expert” and “internet enthusiast”, can’t even figure out how to use a search engine and opts instead to lazily crowdsource constantly? Nobody is impressed that she registered a thousand pointless domains/URLs and strongarmed her way into getting a hold of @julia, particularly since Twitter has yet to figure out how to transition from a free service to turning a profit and she only wanted that name because she’s THAT big of a narcissist. She probably grabbed it knowing she will eventually have to drop “Allison” just as she did “Baugher” – for privacy, of course! The idiocy, it burns.

  7. Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

    True story: even if Donkey were lecturing to a 1000-person audience without a mic, the people in the cheap seats would still get tinnitus.

  8. Sausage Snappers says:

    She didn’t get @Julia before anyone else. She stole it from someone.

    You bet your ass I’m gonna troll her if she does SXSW.

    • Bitch says:

      Wait, she really stole @julia? What is the back story on this?

      • LEFOOLIEH says:

        Someone else definitely had it first. Since it hadn’t been updated/active in awhile, she somehow convinced the powers that be to let her have it instead.

        • Barking Mad says:

          And now she doesn’t even use it. 7 tweets since she got it in 2009, spaced out so nobody can claim it’s abandoned.

          Donkey.

          • New Year New You says:

            She even follows herself.

            Double Donkey.

          • Donkadooball says:

            I love how she barely uses it, lies about getting it before anyone else and still has the nerve to suggest making it a speaking topic at SXSW. In fact, I remember her being really being really sour on Twitter a few years back – when I’m sure @Julia had already been snapped up a year or two prior. The only reason I remember that was because even a dumb cat lady like me could tell that Twitter was going to be a pretty big deal. I thought it was odd that Miss Social Media Expert didn’t recognize that and was being so critical of it, yet didn’t have any reasons to support that criticism.

  9. FU Money says:

    She boned Tim Ferris? Ew.

    • zandra - maps lover! says:

      Everyone thought she had just begun dating Tim Ferris and she emailed RBNS being like, “NO, I BONED HIM LAST SUMMER! TRY AGAIN!”

  10. Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

    Moar talk topics:
    “The Streisand Effect”
    “Why It’s Bad When Your Haters are Much More Successful and Influential than You Are: A First-Person Case Study”

  11. Bitch says:

    I apparently have a lot of catching up to do, but- what is the tiara theft thing about?

    • Jacy "Donk" LaRue Donk LaRue says:

      Someone broke into Jordan’s apartment — well, her man left the door unlocked — shortly after she left NonSociety. Nothing of monetary value was stolen, only Jordan’s wedding tiara, that was hidden away in a box that Donkey knew about.

      As a former RBNS commenter once said:

      Mule-ia Mallison Says:
      August 3, 2010 at 12:08 am

      how could you NOT think that julia stole jordan’s tiara?

      who else knew that jordan was out of town?

      who else was mad at jordan?

      who else knows where jordan lived/had been there before?

      who else would’ve had reason to go there?

      who else has soooo little morals/propriety/boundaries?

      all signs point towards julia. obviously, no one can prove it. but julia just fits the type of person that would do that.

  12. Julia Allison has no fucking friends left says:

    “How I Got Multiple Restraining Orders Against Me”

    “How I Burned a Million Bridges and Still Claim My Failure Is My Haters’ Fault”

    “How to Be a Goddamn Fucking Cunt and Harass Innocent People at Their Jobs LOL”

    “How to Be Utterly Unlovable”

    “How to Look 45 at 29”

  13. ICrayAnAwfulLotLately says:

    “It’s not you, it’s the internet!”
    Natural beauty and paragon of selflessness, Julia Allison, tireless crusader for authenticity, dignity, and discretion, poster girl of personal accountability and humble circumspection gives a first-hand account of how social media forced her to become an odious exhibitionist braggart liar and RUINED HER LIFE!!
    Free admission.

  14. Bitchy, throughout the universe, in perpetuity says:

    “How to Grift for High-Status Markers (Or Lilly Pulitzer Pens, Umm, Err, Oops!)”

  15. Pelt-a-Polozza says:

    “How to Get Finger Banged at a Restaurant without Anyone Knowing… UNTIL you Leak it to Gawker and Make Sure THE WORLD Knows.”

  16. ICrayAnAwfulLotLately says:

    Behind the Plasma: Fake Founders and Stolen Tiaras
    I have no idea what you’re talking about but it’s ridiculous and defamatory to write the words “fake” or “tiara” anywhere on a blog that also contains my name and illegally plagurizes my intellectual property from other websites in draconian perpetuity.

    • Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

      Like.

      or, as I should say, “I’d like to file an amicus curae motion on behalf of this comment.”

  17. Take Me To My Wacker Place says:

    “Lives of Quiet Expiration: Failed projects of the web 2.0 era, a study in histrionics, narcissism, greed and interchangeable blondes. “

  18. juliaspublicist says:

    I’m confused. From what I understand, most of the panels for SXSW are set. How is she brainstorming titles now?

  19. New Year New You says:

    And having read her critics suggesting she do something to become a better person, voila:

    I really want to donate blood. Um … at the risk of asking a really obvious question, what is the best way to do this? lifesource.org ?
    19 minutes ago via web

    Ewwww asinus, no-one wants your slutty donkey blood.

  20. One Fat Melman says:

    How to be a “Tech Blogger” and Yet Not Know How to Use Google, the Most Prolific Search Engine of Our Time

    How to be So Insane That Internet Strangers Spend Their Free Time Trying to Diagnose Your Specific Personality Disorder

    How to Date/Fuck/Turn Off Every Eligible, Age-Appropriate Man in New York so You Are Forced to Move Back to the Midwest and Date a Man Too Young to Smell Your Cray From a Mile Away as You Near Your Expiration Date and Your Baby Brother is Already Married, as in He Beat You to the Altar and Now You are Desperate and Feel Like a Dumb, Dumb, Donkey, Left to Bray to No One on Twitter, Instead of Learning How to Use Google Like a God Damn Grown Up

  21. Donkeys Have Expiration Dates says:

    I’d like to address The Amazing Burro’s assertion that “Social Media Ruined My Life.”

    I won’t dispute that her life is pretty damn fucked up. However, one Julia Allison of 2008 revealed, “It’s entirely possible I’m ruining my life.” That Julia Allison was so much more prescient than the Julia Allison of today. Perhaps because the consequences were further away back then.

    No, Donkey, social media didn’t ruin your life. You did.

  22. New Year New You says:

    #SXSW talk titles

    How To Suck At Publicly Lying.

    How To Suck At Everything.

    How To Not Make Money From Your Blog.

    Attempting To Manage Your Multiple Personalities Over Various Media Channels.

  23. Big Head Fraud & the Blondsters says:

    [Seat-back ads seen on planes headed to SXSW]

    Shilldebeast braying for Pelt Friendly Airlines:
    * With a little pre-planning, traveling for work with pelts can be an enjoyable experience — pelts can be an excellent companion on a lonely business trip.
    * Traveling with pelts can be a fun experience for everyone involved, if the comfort of the pelt is taken into consideration — many hotels now accommodate pelts.
    * When flying with pelts, animal welfare organizations strongly recommend that the pelts travel in the cabin area of the aircraft with you, rather than in the cargo hold — you do not want your pelts to become a statistic.

    • Jack the Bulldog says:

      Oh my God! This had me in hysterics and at midnight and now I long for pelts of my own. Do they get along well with bulldogs and budgies? Can I train them to walk five paces behind me? Can pelts sniff out tiaras? So many questions but putting one on layaway tomorrow at Ryan & TJ’s!

  24. Dadser Won't Quit You says:

    Special Lecture: Technology’s Oldest Profession by its Oldest Professional: Julia Allison

  25. juliajane says:

    1. How to ignore depression in small animals: a sociopath’s guide.

    2. How to freeload off of your parents until 30 and beyond.

    3. How to be lonely: A step by step guide to being a repugnant tool until you have no friends left.

    4. Delusions 101: how you can believe anything you want about yourself and the world around you.

    5. How to be a terrible human being without facing any consequences.

    6. How to use your frequent flyer miles to avoid consequences of your bad behavior, relationships, and reality.

  26. BunnyBingo says:

    How to Lose “Friends” and Alienate People Whilst Maintaining Delusions of Social Media Success.

  27. None Society says:

    How to Have an Imminent Breakdown

  28. New Year New You says:

    Good to see she’s so totally over having an eating disorder

    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/2920083454

    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/2918134060

    No problems here. Nothing to see. Not trying to get super-skinny for a boy at all.

    • Aggressively Stupid says:

      Not that she ever reads here, but, Jules, that scales will only reliably read the body fat percentage in your lower body. The most accurate way to test body fat is DEXA x-ray scanning which you can have done at a doctor’s office or body dunking which is much cheaper and is done by most nutritionists. And you really should really see a nutritionist, but if you do, be honest about the juicing business. I’d be willing to bet that you weren’t with your doctor which is how you ended up with that “wheat allergy” diagnosis.
      Also, see a therapist.

      Donkey.

    • ICrayAnAwfulLotLately says:

      Buy your way to easy weight loss! Take a pill and drink some junk and you’re done!
      “The way Phase 1 works is the Super Cleanse and Super Protein are taken for one week and the Quick Burn for one month. Don’t let this short period of time fool you. In a Clinical study, those doing the NuLean Phase 1 Program lost on average 7-1/2 pounds (and just as many inches) in the first week alone! They also enjoyed considerable improvements in their health as verified by a series of before and after blood tests.”

      • Donk LaRue says:

        There really is a sucker born every minute.

        Donkey, since you never read here: Eat less food. Eat healthier food. Move your ass with some vigor for an hour a day. The end.

      • Shamoolia says:

        Wow. She is an idiot. Drinking processed powder “shakes” and popping pills full of chemicals is even dumber than juicing. Congratulations Julie… you’re crash dieting yourself to 200 lbs. faster than I can say “permanently fucking up your metabolism.”

  29. Bitch says:

    OT: Does anyone know how I can subscribe to comments in my feed? (Sorry to go all Julia on you. I’d post my question on my twitter, but I don’t have one because someone already took @bitch).

  30. HPDonk says:

    How to Burn Every Bridge – A Guide to Only Working For a Company Once.

  31. The Manta says:

    Keeping Secrets: Mental Health, Significant Others Names and Ex-Business Partners Husbands Employment Status

  32. Scooby Don't says:

    The Breasts Are A Lie: Strategic Use of Cutlets and VS Support Technology to Maximize Mammary to Founder Arm Contact

    • ICrayAnAwfulLotLately says:

      Perfectly Symmetrical: My Life Online – Mirror Image or Mirage?

      Julia Allison describes how personal branding and massaging the truth is NOT the same as unrelenting narcissism and flat-out lying because the internet is NOT the same as real life!
      Bonus giveaway: Strategic use of: “I was just kidding.” or “It was a joke.” in the first line of defense against those rude haterz who won’t shut up.
      Free admission.

  33. Julia's Fat Ass says:

    “So what if Dadsers pulled some strings: How to barely graduate from Georgetown yet use it for life as a sign of how smart you are.”

    “My father went to Princeton! My mother went to Stanford! How to use the credentials of those around you to make yourself seem more impressive.”

    “Applying to Business School 101: How to appease your parents while ensuring you never really get in because you are lazy and really never wanted to go in the first place.”

    “This bag is Chanel: How to dress for success and get people to think you have money and are important.”

    “How to glom on to D-list celebrities, and get them to date you.”

    “Gold-digging 101: How to get the ring from the rich guy you don’t give a shit about, then dump him when something better comes along. I did it and you can too!”

  34. darling mrs. melissa sue [drops phone] says:

    WTF. She didn’t get @Julia before anyone else! Someone else had it first, and she made Twitter vacate the other person so that she could have it. They’re our memories, too, Donkey.

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