“New Job:” Let’s Hope It Doesn’t Involve Any On-Camera Work

Because she is just so bad on camera.

Watch her reactions in the one linked to above as the woman at the frock shoppe is talking to her. And then feast your eyes on her attempt at some kind of runway walk in her closing standup. Jesus, lady, get an office job, we beg you.

And of course there’s this, from which the hilarious screen shot above was taken:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGjCAxIeBnE]

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87 Responses to “New Job:” Let’s Hope It Doesn’t Involve Any On-Camera Work

  1. Bitch says:

    The ‘funny’ thing is, you know she practices in the mirror for hours, posturing, posing, talking to herself in mock interviews and repeated mantras learned at the ashram, examining her features from various angles, selectively determining which look better under certain lighting conditions, how much make-up should be applied to accentuate her features, and yet THIS.

    • obese says:

      Exactly. Everything is straight out of the, “This Is What You Do When You Are Pretending to Be Interested in Someone” playbook.

  2. Delurked says:

    i love how for most of the beginning interview, she’s not even in the frame…even the camera man knows better than to have her on screen.

    • Dr. Freud. Phd in Donkology says:

      Just her random arm shoving a mic in his face? WTF.

      High production values, yo!

  3. J.C. says:

    I can’t believe I am saying this, but she makes that bubble-head Maria Menounos look talented.

  4. diluted brain says:

    I love the incessant head nodding. I didn’t see her usual blinking though. She is so bad on camera. No wonder she hasn’t made a living out of it.

    • Jacy says:

      I love how her shoulders do some weird back and forth thing at the very beginning, in her opening standup. Another classic Donkey “I suck on camera” move.

      • Julia's Fat Ass says:

        It’s like she’s Miss Teen USA and this is the beginning of the talent portion – talent = ON CAMERA INTERVIEW!!!!! She’s really just bad.

  5. It's Always Shinny in Calfadelphia says:

    Dollars to doughnuts that fugly coat was never cleaned after last year (when paired w/ the juicy sweats worn five days in a row).

    WHAT? Does it take for Donkey to get her ginormous head around the fact that she (literally!) is truly awful on camera? Repeated declarations on RBNS aren’t doing it (comparable declarations which seem to have been effective towards dialing down The Wide-Stance™ & The Bobby Pin Mullet™), nor are the lack of any gigs more notable* than CityBuzz …

    (*notable = jokey)

    • Princess WideStance says:

      You rang?

      Also, this is a great point. She must know deep down, right? But really admitting it to herself would be basically admitting that she’s useless. Because being on camera and being a star is all she’s ever wanted.

      Sad.biz! (Kudos to whoever came up with that.)

  6. The Manta says:

    Holy crap the graphics on that CityBuzz clip. 1997 called it want’s it’s copy of Video Toaster back.

  7. Jacy says:

    Hello, I’m an idiot. Does anyone know how I would replace the Jeri Blank photo in our header with the heehawww photo shown above?

    I suck at blogging.

  8. shamoolia says:

    This moment at the end is also particularly hee haw worthy:

    http://oi53.tinypic.com/25573gn.jpg

    And I thought Kim Kardashian made her suicidal?

    • Jacy says:

      All that mincing weird shit she does — what the hell is it? And does she up it for “her gays” because she thinks gays are mincing, eyelash-batting queens?

    • diluted brain says:

      Doesn’t she compare herself to KK saying that they have the same ass?

      (yeaaaa right)

  9. bitchface says:

    RBNS old site AND new site are now both coming up on google search for “Julia Allison” (before only the new site was showing on page1).

    I often chuckle about how she “practically begs” her dates not to google her. Which of course is the immediate next thing they do.

    “My ever-vigilant readers”. Julia – we are not your vigilant readers. We are a group of people bonded by the fact that we don’t like you. All for various reasons – jellis h8trz not one of them – but we read here (RBNS) because you frighten/ annoy/ puzzle/ disgust/ enrage/ and/or make us Lulllz but it’s certainly not for your brilliant prose or heee-larious pictures on your sham of a lie-casting business.

    Hope your job brings you fulfillment, bunny.
    xoxo

  10. Braylien Lanes says:

    Hmm, perhaps there is a “front of house” gig in store with her friends the Mellmans…

    http://chicagoist.com/2010/12/06/paris_club_to_open_in_january.php

    • Mini Driver says:

      I didn’t alter the chin/jawline, by the way.

    • Jacy says:

      I noticed how busted she looked at that moment. Nice screen grab!

    • Princess WideStance says:

      Good lord. Is the chin implant shifting?

    • shamoolia says:

      How can someone who does so little look so busted? She has nothing but free time, no stressful job, children or family obligations… I don’t get it. Why isn’t she hitting up the posh gym of the OMG CONDO every day? I’d look like a million bucks if I had the free time and resources she apparently has. Not to mention the money she blows on maintenance and grooming – $500 for hair treatments, endless manicures. And THAT is the result? Shit. I’d hate myself too.

      • Blinky, Fat, Flapping Fuck says:

        Lots of reasons.

        Too much bad plastic surgery, making her look worse in the end.
        Tacky pelts that she got for free.
        No sleep because she’s Googling herself and stalking exes and their current loves all fucking night.
        The seething jealousy that comes from watching her frenemies and sister-in-law have a full life, which includes love.
        The self-loathing that comes from knowing, deep down inside, that she is a talentless, friendless, loser with a personality so awful that even her dog wants to off itself.

    • diluted brain says:

      her face is just horribly bloated. I would think it’s the lack of sleep and poor diet that does it. Yuck.

  11. That hideous grin…she looks uncannily like the Roseanne Rosannadanna picture from JP’s earlier post.

    http://rebloggingns.wordpress.com/2010/11/30/im-going-to-file-this-under-bitter-and-passive-agressive/

  12. Hmmmm says:

    any clues as to what it could be? I noticed she started following the Ish brothers (one of them is the Ish behind Ish Entertainment) and if you google her name and Ish Entertainment she’s been “lightly” stalking them. Could she have finally gotten a reality show but what reality show/prod company/network would negotiate for one year with this nut job

  13. Actual Shower Vommer says:

    I feel like I have really contributed to the world with this screenshot.

  14. LLFOOLJ says:

    JP/JC – making it easy for ya: http://i52.tinypic.com/8xoorm.jpg – replace text, natch, because I sure as hail can’t do it.

  15. My Bald Runyon Canyon says:

    I posted this in the previous thread re: the “new job” speculation:

    Sadly, I think the syndicated columnist job is probably real. It’ll focus on something unoriginal like “how the internet is changing dating and society” and will have a stupid name like “SOCIAL MEDIA-TATIONS” by Julia Allison.

    Jacy/JP: can we have a contest to see who gets closest to what the OMG “new job” actually is when (and if) Donkey announces it???

    • Will it be Donk herself announcing it, though? She said there is to be an Official Announcement. Perhaps it will involve an OMG Press Release!

    • Afghani Facebook Friend says:

      My understanding of syndicated columns is, individual papers have to buy them. So the question is, what newspaper is going to pay for “Social Media-tations” by Julia Allison (or whatever she calls it)??? Certainly no respectable paper. Maybe some midwestern local papers, but they won’t pay much and Creators Syndicate would get most of that.

      Summary: this is another “job”, just like most of Julia’s columnist jobs, where she makes a pittance each week. Like AM NY, where she made $50 per column. Of course, *if* bigger papers carried it, she could get up into the territory of a few thousand a week. Of course, what Julia really wants from it is a press credential (to show up at conferences) and a reason for Dad$ter to keep footing her bills. “Look Dad, I’m a columnist!!”

    • She had a meeting with Creator’s Syndicate in August, a tease in early October. And now this. I am sure it is the column.

      • Afghani Facebook Friend says:

        she went to college with the guy who now heads up Creators Syndicate. he just took over from his dad. anyway, if you were just taking over the family business from your dad, wouldn’t you go way out of your way to show you were responsible, thoughtful, and serious? i think the last thing you’d do is start creating bullshit columns that no one wants to read so you can help out some braying narcissist from college.

        just my $.02

    • Stalker is in the Fupa Mafia says:

      well since the chick who draws the “Cathy” cartoons retired, that leaves a big gaping hole in the LIFE AND TIMES OF SHE WHO SHOPS AND EATS chronicles.

    • dd says:

      Whatever the “job” is, I am glad she will be doing something. For a little while at least. She’ll hold on to the column for a year or so. Then she’ll tweet something nasty about the editor-in-chief of her column’s paper and then that will be the end. Though she won’t be fired. SHE will decide not to renew her contract.

    • dd says:

      Though… didn’t donkey announce a few years ago, that she was “so over” being a columnist? That is why she was starting her own business, right? So she has her old job from 2005 back.

  16. wonkeye says:

    Color me unglamorous, but I guess I’ve never really seen extensions applied before. Those big chunks of tape would drive me crazy! Don’t they get itchy? And how the hell do you keep that shit clean? No wonder she always looks like she smells bad.

    • Jacy says:

      I know — gross.

    • The whole video is gross — Ryan Duh-Rye-Us’s description of his childhood hair fixation is creepy and verging on fetishy. I wouldn’t let him near my “locks.”

      • Afghani Facebook Friend says:

        uhhh… “verging”?

        more like a full-blown fetish.

      • She gives me Shills! says:

        Dear Julie– We all agree he is in NO WAY anything near an A-List gay…..god, how did you hook yourself up to That??
        Oh, shills, that’s right.

      • Afghani Facebook Friend says:

        he’s a random “bottom” with a rich investment banker boyfriend that
        finances his vanity business (the salon)

    • shamoolia says:

      Can you imagine how unsexy taped in hair is??? What dude would want to touch that? Of course, it couldn’t be much worse than those hideous plastic clip in half wigs she used to wear.

      • She gives me Shills! says:

        are they glued? sounds revolting.

      • Dr. Freud. Phd in Donkology says:

        You wouldn’t even be able to run your fingers through it at the scalp.

        Seems very un-sexy.

      • Jacy says:

        Without getting too graphic, I can tell you that there’s nothing my man likes doing more than running his hands through and/or grabbing my hair when I am attending to him in a certain way. Imagine if I had to stop what I was doing and say HEY WAIT, MOTHERFUCKER, DON’T TOUCH THE HAIR!!!!

    • Julia's Fat Ass says:

      I would fucking go nuts. Hair extensions are a bad, bad idea, and we will mock them one day. Everyone is walking around looking like Slutty Barbie, with WAY too much hair, it looks so unnatural and fucking retarded. Like the chicklet veneers. God forbid anyone has real hair/teeth anymore. Fembots.

  17. ShesJustStupid says:

    So, let’s say it’s this column. What is she going to write about? Dating? In Chicago? I haven’t heard her hint that she’s leaving the condo, and I do read into the “my apartment” tweet. Maybe she’ll try to make it interesting by writing about dating guys in three different cities or something? Problem is, we know she’s dating Greasy. So anything she writes is going to have to coincide with that storyline. Poor guy.

  18. TheDiseaseCard says:

    Does NBC know she uses their mic for these things? Seriously.

  19. Julia’s New Job is..

    wait for it….

    …Political Speech Writer..

    Give you one guess who for..

    • diluted brain says:

      I sincerely hope you are joking and that’s not a tip.

      • Blinky, Fat, Flapping Fuck says:

        It has to be a joke. No actual U.S. senator is going to give a speechwriting job to someone who’s never done speechwriting before, let alone is an abrasive, weird loon.

  20. bitchface says:

    where did the Fat Melman meme come from? I must have been asleep/drunk that day in RBNS class

  21. Also, we have distinguished commentor “One Fat Melman” among our ranks. “The Other Fat Melman” is up for grabs.

    • One Fat Melman says:

      Distinguished? Now I’m blushing! Too bad they don’t have a fat sister, because then I could stay true to my gender and be “One Fat Lady Melman.”

  22. flatface says:

    New job couldn’t come fast enough:

    http://www.quantcast.com/nonsociety.com?qcLocale=en_US

    Nonsociety has gone from an embarassing 4,000 hits a day to less than 1,500. All since adding all those new contributors (most of who have stopped writing altogether or have begun re-posting each other’s two sentence blurbs about furniture and food).

    Play around with the quantcast features. When they launched NS, for instance, visotrs stayed an average of 5 minutes – not very long even for a fluffy site. Now though? People leave after two minutes or less on average.

    Quantcast and alexa.com aren’t little bloggy secrets. It’s a easy first-check on what a website generates traffic-wise. Any advertiser looking to contract an endorser or spokesperson or give free shit to would move on from NS with the slightest background check. That would explain how all freebie shilling seems to be local or small (check out Meghan Moneyshot Asha’s last post. After months of silense, she got to boroow a coffee machine for a day. Borrow. So she blogged about it. Keeping her prmoise not to blog unless paid. And then nothing more for months. She literally blogged for a cup of coffee. A new low, I would say.)

    She literally has to take NS down before her column launches. The whole thing will ruin her if she doesn’t. It’s just so baaaad. I am really syprised even a low-rent shop like United didn’t look at her internet profile and pass immediately. Hell, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they went by hearsay form her agent or whatever. Maybe they really want vanilla.

    But I’m sure they put restrictions on what she could and could not do web-wise after she came aboard. That would explain 18 mos of negotiations. Weird all the way around.

    • Afghani Facebook Friend says:

      excellent information. thanks, i hadn’t checked alexa in a while, but you can just sense that the new contributors are just a scattershot dillution of whatever was supposed to be NS’s “brand”.

  23. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    juliaallison: Can you request a gay boy? Bc I want one! RT @brit: In American fertility clinics, 75% of couples are requesting girls, not boys #TEDWomen

    Yes, she said that.

  24. Julia's Fat Ass says:

    HOLEEEE CRAP. I only watched the first 15 seconds of that video and, and, wow. Please let her new job be on the teevee, please oh please. She’s SO TERRIBLE at it. No one gave her a job that involves showing herself on camera. I don’t fucking care. It cannot happen. She’s gag inducing.

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