Apparently We Hurt Julia Allison's Feelings

Thank god she has fake readers who are so concerned and write her to make sure she is OK. I was going to do that, but I left my inspirational quote book at home, and, like Julia Allison, I don’t know how to google.

Wait, I made that up. I don’t have an inspirational quote book, because I’m not lame. I completely fabricated that little story, just like Julia Allison obviously fabricated her reader’s encouraging email (and perhaps her taxes).

“Sometimes you have to let the tide take you out to sea before it washes you to shore.” – from a reader’s email today

Oh well, at least she’s not old. She could totally be on  The Little Lady View (Tiny and Cute!), even though her face say she should probably be sitting next to Joy Behr talking about hot flashes.

If you were casting The View for women in their teens & twenties, who would you want to watch?

Awww, thank you Cindi!! RT @cindi_leive: @juliaallison Young View? You, Chelsea Handler, Lola Ogunnaike, done. Next?

Sweetheart, you’re almost thirty. And when you don’t sleep all night, you look forty. Elisabeth Hasselback is only three or four years older than you (and lightyears smarter, and that’s not saying much), so you really need to stop trying desperately to identify with the teen and college set. It’s clear that you don’t, since you, marketing and PR genius, should probably know that The View format probably won’t go over so well for a younger audience.

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86 Responses to Apparently We Hurt Julia Allison's Feelings

  1. None Society says:

    I wish somone would photoshop that shadow. the opportunities are endless

  2. Web20Morons says:

    Oh the fake reader emails are out in force today.

    That shadow looks like a two legged dinosaur with one arm.

  3. elvisandalabama says:

    OT: Julia’s latest post is forging that new path to barefoot, pregnant, and living off of her husband’s lawyer money. This is a sign-off and settle a la Julia Donkison if I’ve ever seen one…

    “Sometimes after you leave, when I’m in bed at night, I start thinking about the charmed life I’ve had. With the ups, with the hardships, with no money, all of it. I had a charmed life. It hasn’t been so exciting or extraordinary but I had two wonderful children, grandchildren, daughter-in-law and son-in-law, a magnificent husband for 63 years. I’m telling you, I had the greatest life. If everybody’s life were like mine, this world would be at peace.”

    A 91-year-old woman named Jean (interviewed by Erica Kennedy)

    Julia’s Commentary:
    It’s becoming more and more clear to me that life is just about that: to love and to be loved. If you have that, you don’t need anything else. And if you don’t have that, nothing else matters.

    • juliajane says:

      Yeah, sounds like she’s trying to make herself feel better about settling for Wallet Thing.

      Poor Wallet Thing

    • None Society says:

      It’s not a meltdown, ppl. Julia is experiencing CLARITY.

    • Princess WideStance says:

      This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think she’s being sincere here. Sounds to me like Julia is beginning to see that um, err, oops, relationships are what matter in life. And if you fuck people over and put no effort into your relationships, you’ll be alone and desperate and people will make fun of you on the internet.

      The question is whether she will be able to change. I’m not betting on it.

      • elvisandalabama says:

        That’s why I believe it’s a post dripping with defeat vs. coming to a sincere adult epiphany.

      • Eight Dollar Grapefruit says:

        When did she change? As recently as… oh, the past 10 weeks, she has been having birthBray parties, forcing people to go on vacations, tweeting passively about how WT just “lives close enough to me”, etc etc etc.

        LOL @ that nutjob realizing ANYTHING. LOL seriously!

      • I don’t think so. I think it’s more of a desperate “MARRY ME!!! I DO LOVE YOU!!!” to the only rich man dumb enough to want to date her at this point.
        I don’t believe Julia is capable of an epiphany – more likely, she wants to make sure she gets that huge rock sometime soon, and she realizes how cunty/materialistic the entire Birthcray Bash made her look. This is her attempt to remedy the situation by effectively saying “look PK, I’m not in it for the money! I love you! Love is all that matters to meeee!!”

        Also, when Julia talks about “love”, she’s not talking about the actual human emotion and all it entails. She’s talking about poofy wedding dresses, pink diamonds, cupcake themed bridal showers and photoshoots. She’s talking about the prestige of being married to a man with means, about being “pampered” and “treated like a princess”. Her appreciation of love is best expressed in the post that follows – love is a pink slogan to put on a magazine rack.


      • No Money Peltskank says:

        I’m with Ginger Sans Pelts on this one. It looks like her personal vom-com script has reached the point where our quirky heroine seems to have lost everything and is now suddenly discovering what – and who’s checkbook – matters most in life. I know we all have our watershed moments and rude awakenings, but only people in movies do these rapid switches. Real people may feel they need to make significant changes to their lives, but after that it takes time to process and figure out how to do it in a way that will actually last.
        To me this reads like her way of screaming at Wallet Thing not to walk away because now is his lucky moment – SHE loves him. SHE wants a relationship. SHE wants to look back at 63 years of marriage as one neverending fun fair. Again, it’s all about her and what SHE WANTS TO HAVE. Not a word about actually DOING something or, God forbid, GIVING something to someone else. No, she wants wonderful children, a magnificent husband, a long successful marriage, just another set of THINGS SHE WANTS. Marriage is the new fuck you money because she realised she’s never going to achieve that by herself.

      • Scooby Don't says:

        She’s had this ‘epiphany’ repeatedly through the time I’ve been aware of her, always accompanied by some life affirming quote.
        She hasn’t changed yet.

        Julia’s life is stuck in rerun with a quote generator attached.

        Sincerity and Julia go together like oil and water.

    • Justadude says:

      I would love to think that the post is a mea culpcake from her. But her true colors show in the next/previous post (so hard to tell with the side scroll!) about having a huge living room with a sculpture of a balloon weiner dog from that famous artist, whatshisname… She fails so hard. Seriously, those two posts together? Really? Really?

      • ohsweetgod says:

        she knows that show (and the pics from it) happened like 2 years ago, right? way to be current (as usual)

      • It's Always Shitty in Donkadelphia says:

        “mea culpcake” ?

        I soooo freaking love the vernacular that rolls off
        the tips of the scratchy cat tongues of RBNSrs! 🙂

      • Braycation says:

        “mea culpcake” is quite possible the funniest thing I have read on this site. i just say.

    • IamLA says:

      I’m always amazed at what passes for an epiphany in donkeyland. She just now, at 30, realized that love and intimacy are more important than fame and money. I can’t wait for her to figure out that racism is bad and also water is wet.

      • melissa sue says:

        The day she realizes that racism is bad, I will eat my cat.

      • Dyspeptic2 says:

        Aiyeee, if only the “epiphany” weren’t the same damn one she has had dozens of times already and proceeded to ignore blithely within the next 30 seconds. The Fake Epiphany (TM): Bringing Your A-Game Content. A short course coming soon to the Learning Annex near you.

    • partypants says:

      You know, when Julia writes sad, desperate “omg someone love/marry/provide for me” shit, it makes me glad I was not one of those fucking hot, empty chicks who had it easy. Some of us ‘fatties’ and ‘uglies’ have to be smart, learn skills, and forge careers, because a) not like tha mens are beating the door down in high school and we need to find something to do with our time, and b) not like we will be a trophy wife based on looks so we have to build substance and learn to feed ourselves. Whatever, Julia. I can lose weight and buy surgery, and you will still be a worthless canker on the ass of the internet trying to marry money. PROSTIDONK.

      And before all my member of the Meow Meow Committee say I’m an asshole, I’m blaming biology. Also hangover crankies. And lack of samoas.

      • Har-Har says:

        The sad thing is that Julia only had it “easy” like that for like a year (when she got engaged and then moved in with a married man). Since then she’s been literally begging for someone to be her sugar daddy.

      • hangonlikegrimdeath says:

        love this, partypants.

    • Johnny Optional says:

      She entirely misses the old dear’s point. She is talking about a life of treasuring her relationships. Something Miss Narcissist is unable to do.

  4. Worrisome Pelts says:

    Sometimes you have to let the Donkey bray you into tinnitus before the breakup can carry you back to good neurological health.

    – from Charles’s discussion with his shrink, as imagined by Worrisome Pelts

  5. Thank God I'm Not Her says:

    OT but JA just tweeted “Why yes, I *did* just become a Facebook fan of Justin Bieber! Because we’re getting married and all.“.

    I’m sorry but I’m fucking twenty years old and even I think having a crush on Justin Bieber at my age is creepy. She is riddled with so many issues that I don’t even know what to say. I’ve never been a commenter but Jesus Christ. This woman is exactly what I never want to be. Hell, no one wants to be her batshit insane self.

  6. twankle toes says:

    Honestly hun, it’s been a solid 2 years that you’ve been flailing about and people have been making fun if you. It’s not a phase, your not destined to some greater good via slightly discounted Starbucks cards. You failed. Your business is a joke and no one takes you seriously. It’s like, sometimes the undertow takes you out a little too far and you drown and you die and it’s just all over sweetie.

  7. Mini Driver says:

    So, if I weighed a hundred and thirty-eight pounds my right arm and right leg would be the same length?! Seriously, drop that shot into Photoshop and measure her limbs against the pixel gridlines. It’s astonishing!

    • Nevermind the photoshop. I can’t get over the pose, she is practically perpendicular.

      • Driveby Commenter says:

        I especially like the mannequin hand. And the fact that she is totally dry, even though it appears that she just emerged from the sea.

        The lack of footprints is worrisome, however. Either she ‘shopped them out, or she stood in that spot so long, contorting herself for the camera, that they got washed over and disappeared. Candid photo fail.

      • It's Always Shitty in Donkadelphia says:

        I’m inclined to think someone else fauxto-shopped for her & had a joke at her expense … Remember this? “Hipster Lawyer got his master’s in film at NYU, so he was happy to show off his cinematographer skillz”

        * the left arm w/ hand securing her pelts in the sea breeze ~ where’s that arm’s shadow?

        * there are some barely-discernible footsteps (magnify pic to see) ~ they look like a big (reversed) question mark around her (HA!)

        * & that creaturistic shadow is freaking priceless!

      • Sausage Snappers says:

        What’s creepy is our knowledge that HL was a lie and Dadsers was playing the role.

  8. Sarah says:

    I haven’t commented here before but I do read often. I will likely be unpopular for my first comment being of this nature but I really dislike when there are insinuations about her weight or even general physical appearance (not including fashion choices as those are always just that- easily reversible choices).

    I just… I’d really LOVE to have the body in that picture up there. Seriously. And I’m not a fat old cat lady or anything either.

    Although I’m not sure if the comment on the picture was from she herself or RBNS- if it wasn’t RBNS comment totally retracted and let the shaming of me begin. I know the general point of this post wasn’t to dish about her appearance but… I don’t know if that photo plus caption combo was entirely necessary?

    Sorry! Just my little opinion.

  9. Normal Healthy Julia That I Am Today says:


    Last week, Mary asked readers why they weren’t staying long enough to read her horribly written blerg posts: 46 comments.

    This week Mary asks readers to weigh in on what she should “experience” next for her cool new web show that people only watched one to see her get tasered: 3 comments.

  10. zandra says:

    dude, you casted for that already. it was called tmi. it sucked and got canceled.

  11. ohsweetgod says:

    i had a horrible horrible nightmare last night. i can’t remember all the details, but i do remember that i had chipped blue nailpolish on.

    i was deeply embarassed taht i was wearing obviously chipped nailpolish, but even worse was that it was blue, because I’M NOT 5.

    great… now i’m even dreaming RBNS

  12. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    “Sometimes you gotta take a shot to the jaw before you stagger blindly back to your corner.”

    “Sometimes you gotta OD before you get the dose right.”

    “Sometimes you gotta fall flat on your face before remembering to tie your laces.”

    “Sometimes you gotta fail an audition before wondering what the hell you’re doing in show biz.”

    “Sometimes you gotta look at your bills before missing your ex.”

    • No Money Peltskank says:


    • It's Always Shitty in Donkadelphia says:

      “Sometimes you gotta take a shot to the jaw before you stagger blindly back to your corner.”

      Julia should just take a Donkey Punch
      to the back of the head & call it a Bray

    • NorseHorse says:

      “Sometimes you gotta stick your head in the oven to smell what’s cookin’.”

      Thank you for the hearty lulz, Sacred.

  13. melissa sue says:

    juliaallison: “Be yourself RELENTLESSLY – for you are the best guardian and defender of your own brand.” – Kelly Cutrone (@peoplesrev) (about 5 hours ago from Echofon)

    Read that and fuck off, folks who insist she is just a character.

    • Cuma, Holy, Abdellah and 45 others like this. says:

      Who was it who called the pending Kelly Cutrone quotweets? Nice work.

    • Paradigm Shifting A-HA Moment says:

      but julia’s web persona is RELENTLESSLY real. and soooo NICE!

      • Dyspeptic2 says:

        Well, she got the relentless part right.

      • Good Thoughts says:

        Wasn’t it you, Dys, who used the phrase “relentlessly stupid” in describing Donk in a comment way back when? Anyway, it was so simple and yet so perfectly apt that it comes to my mind frequently as I ponder her various antics and foibles.

  14. Julia's Fat Ass says:

    OMG her stupid reader chose Lola Ogannake? She’s actually the only person I can think of off the top of my head who is more useless and fucking annoying than JA herself.

    • Cuma, Holy, Abdellah and 45 others like this. says:

      That “stupid reader” is EIC of Glamour. What she’s doing responding to Jankles, I have no idea.

  15. Giftcard grifter says:

    Her stupid reader is actually the EIC of glamour…

  16. It's Always Shitty in Donkadelphia says:


    Check out Jordan’s redesigned website, if you haven’t already seen it.

  17. It's Always Shitty in Donkadelphia says:

    ” Ever leave the house wondering if you are, in fact, wearing a wildly inappropriate outfit for a meeting?”
    10 minutes ago via Echofon

    ” Like, say, a leopard DVF wrap dress & black thigh-high boots? Just … uh … theoretically, you know.”
    9 minutes ago via Echofon

    Leopard print & thigh-highs before 10:00 a.m., & for a me-eating?

    • partypants says:

      Hehehehe! Just umm……ya know, in THEORY! TEEEHHHEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Hair twirl! BLINK BLINK!!!!

      Can someone please throat punch this bitch already? It’s not even 10am and I’ve had enough of her bullshit.

    • FaFail Waldorf says:

      Those fucking thigh-high boots, seriously. Girlfriend, you’re not supposed to wear them if you’ve got thighs. Or are 5’4″ without legs for days. Or if they’re from Alloy and smell like an attic full of moldy Hue tights from OMGBLOOMIES.

  18. diluted brain says:

    That is what 138 lbs looks like…. when it is photoshopped.

    Fucking moron.

  19. What is she doing with her arm? Who walks like that?

    What is wrong with her? Seriously, what is wrong with her? Seriously. What? Is wrong with her?

  20. FaFail Waldorf says:

    What the fuck kind of readers correspond with Chinese Proverbs. For fucking out loud, it’s way too early for this amount of rage. She is so transparent.

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