Julia Allison, SNAUSAGES, continues to draw praise for her beauty and charm. Commenter Muffintop writes:
let me tell you a few things about julia allison. i have been a longtime reader and this will probably be my only comment ever. i love you guys, but you do it better than i can. just this:
i went to georgetown. julia was in my class. bitch got busted for plagiarism in a journalism class. what else is there to say?
we have many mutual friends, and although she will never remember me, we have met many times throughout the years. never a kind word from anyone who knows her. anyone. EVER.
let me give you an assesment as a straight man (i feel like i’m in the minority here, but who knows?). she has really short and stumpy legs. also fat. like easter hams. she has really short and stumpy fingers. incredible girth. like vienna sausages. i think it’s some kind of genetic deficiency. kind of like a t-rex. she has this really annoying voice that is somehow shrill and husky at the same time. you can hear it coming from a mile away. actually, you can kind of feel it in your chest like when you’re in a nightclub or at a concert. her legs get really think towards the top and her ass is huge. HUGE. the upper half of her body is totally disproportionate from the lower half. the lower half is built like an offensive tackle. she also has a huge mouth. she always wears skirts hiked up to her tits to make it look like that’s her waist and to try to hide her fat ass. also, to make her legs look longer than they are. she wears a shit-ton of makeup. literally caked on her face. it glistens in normal light. she has had mucho work done. i can understand how some of the nerdy tech guys she hangs out with want to bang her cause they don’t get that much ass, but how any self-respecting man could be attracted to that emasculating slut is beyond me. crying during sex? i’d rather bang a dude. fake hair? fake nails? just gross. she is a shocking caricature of a woman in real life. she physically repulses me and her mere presence causes me anxiety.
i know this comes off as crass and mean, but being such a vile bitch reduces people like me to taking the easiest jab i can. deep breath. that’s all. thanks!
I realize I’m going to be unpopular for this, but I kind of don’t get the body snarking. I mean…I get it. It bugs her, so let’s do what bugs her! But really isn’t this sort of best done in the occasional offhand way, and not in an essay only about her raftass and trunklegs? I actually felt kind of sorry for her – she can’t help her body type, and sometimes by making it the sole focus of our venom, in a way we are attacking all women with that body type. Ok, Jezebel rant over.
That said, she does need to dress in appropriate styles for her raftass. Exhibit A:
Anyway, I’m going to go over and think up some more jokes about how big her ass is. Happy Fauxga Friday!