Julia Allison Is A Beautiful Person

Julia Allison, SNAUSAGES, continues to draw praise for her beauty and charm. Commenter Muffintop writes:

let me tell you a few things about julia allison. i have been a longtime reader and this will probably be my only comment ever. i love you guys, but you do it better than i can. just this:

i went to georgetown. julia was in my class. bitch got busted for plagiarism in a journalism class. what else is there to say?

we have many mutual friends, and although she will never remember me, we have met many times throughout the years. never a kind word from anyone who knows her. anyone. EVER.

let me give you an assesment as a straight man (i feel like i’m in the minority here, but who knows?). she has really short and stumpy legs. also fat. like easter hams. she has really short and stumpy fingers. incredible girth. like vienna sausages. i think it’s some kind of genetic deficiency. kind of like a t-rex. she has this really annoying voice that is somehow shrill and husky at the same time. you can hear it coming from a mile away. actually, you can kind of feel it in your chest like when you’re in a nightclub or at a concert. her legs get really think towards the top and her ass is huge. HUGE. the upper half of her body is totally disproportionate from the lower half. the lower half is built like an offensive tackle. she also has a huge mouth. she always wears skirts hiked up to her tits to make it look like that’s her waist and to try to hide her fat ass. also, to make her legs look longer than they are. she wears a shit-ton of makeup. literally caked on her face. it glistens in normal light. she has had mucho work done. i can understand how some of the nerdy tech guys she hangs out with want to bang her cause they don’t get that much ass, but how any self-respecting man could be attracted to that emasculating slut is beyond me. crying during sex? i’d rather bang a dude. fake hair? fake nails? just gross. she is a shocking caricature of a woman in real life. she physically repulses me and her mere presence causes me anxiety.

i know this comes off as crass and mean, but being such a vile bitch reduces people like me to taking the easiest jab i can. deep breath. that’s all. thanks!

I realize I’m going to be unpopular for this, but I kind of don’t get the body snarking. I mean…I get it. It bugs her, so let’s do what bugs her! But really isn’t this sort of best done in the occasional offhand way, and not in an essay only about her raftass and trunklegs? I actually felt kind of sorry for her – she can’t help her body type, and sometimes by making it the sole focus of our venom, in a way we are attacking all women with that body type. Ok, Jezebel rant over.

That said, she does need to dress in appropriate styles for her raftass. Exhibit A:

Anyway, I’m going to go over and think up some more jokes about how big her ass is. Happy Fauxga Friday!

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69 Responses to Julia Allison Is A Beautiful Person

  1. diluted brain says:

    Kind of OT, but in reference to the first dress is that how they are supposed to be worn?

    Don’t make fun of me but I bought an Aqua dress for my bridal shower (it was a good price and I thought it was cute for it). This is it
    http://www1.bloomingdales.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=453947&PseudoCat=se-xx-xx-xx.esn_results

    Now, I ordered a medium because I am a bit chesty and it does not fall like donkey’s at all. Hers looks like elastic is right below the breasts, is that because hers is too small or did I order mine too big? Mine hits above my waist, but not that high.

  2. shamoolia says:

    It’s really freaky how she curls in her fingers like claw hands in almost every picture.

    Also? I don’t really see a problem with the body snarking, seeing as how Julia Allison finds it perfectly okay to make superficial judgements about people all the time – tiny, cute, gorgeous, Kelly Osborne “she’s so small in person!! Really, really teeny tiny! Damn those stupid cameras.”

    • partypants says:

      True. I dunno I guess I just felt kind of nice today. It’ll pass.

      • shamoolia says:

        Any time I feel nice, I just remember her posting pictures of total strangers on her blog and superficially snarking on that hot older woman in the line at baggage check and the sympathy dissolves. I also figure I’ll stop talking about her body and her weight when Little Miss HERE IS WHAT 138 LBS LOOKS LIKE does. SHE is the one that constantly brings up her weight, food issues, etc. and makes body image a central issue by photoshopping and twisting herself like a pretzel to look skinny in pictures. If people want to come here and tell us that the photos do not match the reality, I’m OK with that.

  3. yeah, idgi says:

    I agree – just because this Tucker Max-type rant was directed at someone I despise doesn’t automatically make it awesome. If someone has firsthand information on Julia, it would be far more interesting to tell us WHY she’s so loathsome and how idiotically she behaved at Georgetown. Hell, you can even snark on the “Easter ham legs” by describing the ill-advised and inappropriate outfits she wear to showcase them!

    This comment, on the other hand, comes off as “Julia is unfuckable, therefore she’s useless and I hate her”. Because gosh, there’s just no greater sin for a woman than to be unattractive.

    • DottySpotty says:

      Agreed. That rant was more sad than “awesome.” Some nobody from her old college thinks she is not hot? How is that interesting information?

      I’m tiring of the body snarking as well. Mostly because I am starting to feel guilty that maybe our constant analysis of her body is leading to her cleanse-anorexia (she has lost some weight) and making fun of her looks and holding them to some high standard to her self-worth is falling for the gender stereotype that Julia represents and embraces. There is a lot more to make fun of. Like her “business” and marriage-craziness.

      • Judge Julia says:

        i dunno about muffintops comment…. none of us are a photoshopped model by nature or can help the way we look. this post was just mean.
        i have no problem discussing behaviour or what has been surgically enhanced, but being snarked for DNA is just uncreative.

      • partypants says:

        Well, a few commenters suggested it should be its own post, and I obliged. I thought by going ahead and putting this up we can all go ahead and make our cases about body snarking on RBNS. It was a good way to encourage interaction and open a dialogue in our interactive and diverse community.

        Jacy plz put that for immediate release statement.

    • the gaping maw says:

      Am I the only one who thinks this rant sounds suspiciously like something “Lego Wig” would write?

      • New Year Old You says:

        Sounds incredibly suspect to me too.

      • yeah, idgi says:

        I’m not sure who Lego Wig is?

        I’m definitely not trying to be high-handed or order anyone not to snark on her appearance – Julia does herself no favors with the extensions and surgical tweaking and all else. To me, it comes down to tone; there’s a big difference (imo) between writing “JFC, when will she realize that she does herself no favors with the minidresses?” and “Anyone with thick legs is genetically deformed”.

    • Postcoital Kleenex Pelts says:

      Apologies if someone has said the same thing somewhere down below, but everything in this rant sounds like a regurgitation of what’s already been talked about here.

      Plagiarism? Check.
      Stumpy legs? Check.
      Sausage fingers? Check.
      Irritating voice? Duh.
      Raft ass? Check.
      Bad clothes/makeup? No shit.
      Fake hair/nails/personality? Yada yada.

      I very highly doubt that this was written by someone who actually went to school with her or they’d have something to say that already hasn’t been discussed to death (and they would know what has already been hashed out if they were such “a longtime reader”). Any reader here could have written the same thing, but such desperation smells of LegoKadeWigWhoever to me.

      • Postcoital Kleenex Pelts says:

        Just for the record, I do not body-snark on this woman. I merely repeat the terms I’ve seen here. FFS, I’d trade her pear for my apple. Plus, I have wide fingers too – can’t help that shit.

  4. Leave My College Alone says:

    People point out her physical flaws because of how ugly she is on the inside. It’s easier to quantify the sausage fingers than her cold, black heart.

  5. Julia's Fat Ass says:

    I’m ambivalent about the body snark also. I’ve participated in it and been annoyed by it at other times. But then I think, this is a woman who got on the radar for one, by having an affair with a congressman and subsequently by showing up to a party uninvited wearing a condom fairy costume with her tits and ass literally hanging out. If she and her NS cohorts didn’t look the way they do none of them would be doing whatever the hell it is they do. So if you’re gonna get famous for shoving your tits in everyones face I’m gonna feel free to comment. Her weight or whatever is the least noxious thing about her. But show up in a documentary getting injections in your face at 27 and I think you are fair game.

    • partypants says:

      I think that explains the sort of indecisive tone of my post here…I coined the phrase “raftass” so I can’t really take a high and mighty stance. On the other hand the comment made me kind of uncomfortable for some reason.

      She does have a big ass. Her big ass is not the problem. The problem is what she is wearing on her big ass. I guess that’s my position.

      • Julia's Fat Ass says:

        Exactly. I agree. I have a big ass. I like my big ass. She needs to just embrace it already and stop hiding behind poofy dresses meant for Tweens. Grow up already. I actually liked the comment more for confirming that no one has anything nice to say about her. Whether this particular guy finds her unfuckable – who cares? She’d probably be hot to many guys who like a little junk in the trunk, until she opens her mouth.

      • so many problems here OMG. says:

        And at it’s root, i think the unfuckableness of her is her personality. And that was mentioned in that comment as major factor of her hateability, not her body. He ripped on her body because it is easy when the target parades around like god’s gift. I sort of get it.

        On a person with a less hateful personality, those same traits could be hot.

        And i am sorry, but in the second photo, her hand DOES look like the hand of a t-rex. He wasn’t wrong about that.

      • Julia's Fat Ass says:

        Exactly So Many Problems. I sorta honed in that part too. I think she’s emasculating because she posts pictures of her ex’s without their shirts on and talks about how OMG HOT they are, and she demands tacky expensive gifts and dates (among many other reasons). I honed in on those parts, and sorry but it’s true, she is pretty much unfuckable. It’s not about her ham hock legs or large ass, it’s about how there is nothing authentic about her. Everything is posed and contrived and covered up, and the nails, hair, jewelry, tackiness, just ew.

        I’m a feminist, I’m still passionate about it, and this woman is no model to follow, though she claims to be for younger women. She represents everything wrong with a certain type of woman and I really don’t give a shit if people tear her down. When you make YOU about something other than your tits, that’s one thing. But she’s been about looks since day 1, and she looks bad. Sorry. It’s more about her style and phoniness than the fact that she wears a size 8 or whatever. And I think this comment had other points besides OMG SHE”S A FATTY!

      • Anon says:

        I’m sorry, but just the word “emasculating” is anti-feminist. The idea that masculinity is a fragile and important thing that must be protected is ridiculous and offensive. Any man who cares about his “masculinity” is an insecure loser. If she’s infantilizing them, or being disrespectful, or whatever, call it that. But “emasculating” always says more about the user of the word to me.

  6. Jordache and the Pelts says:

    IMHO the body snark comes off as a cheap shot when there’s so much else ripe for the picken’. Yes she flaunts her dysmorphia in epic ways, but it seems to me to detract from the otherwise intelligent and witty analysis going on at RBNS. “Sartorial” choices, fake hair, inappropriate and ridiculous behavior,rampant materialism and narcissism ad all the lying and other bullshit – fair game – but we can do better than to disparage Donkey for being stumpy.

  7. As a straight guy who has dated a LOT of chicks, I can tell you this: I would overlook just about any of those physical “flaws” if the girl was a sweetheart, was super fucking cool and/or was fantastic in bed – basically, the kind of girls I date.

    The fact that she is such an evil cunt to everybody means its open season on all that stuff, in my book. When someone is running around making so many lives miserable (interns, husbands, etc) then you hit them where it hurts….and you know it hurts her hearing about all those physical flaws because she places so much importance on that shit.

    I’ve met two or three girls like her before – evil, bitter and vile twats who spread misery. They deserve what they get.

    • MacBookAIRHEAD says:

      This.

      Also, I like your blog. I just bookmarked it.

    • Julia's Old Nose says:

      Matt’s blog is disgusting. He wrote this about the innocent worker (Vernon Hunter) killed in Austin by the crazy guy who flew into the IRS building there.

      Matt, I have an insanely sick sense of humor, but this is gross.

      “The only sad part about this story is that Stack only managed to stomp on one cockroach and the rest scurried away. It’s a real shame that Vernon Hunter’s wife and co-workers couldn’t join him in hell.”

    • Sausage Snappers says:

      I would enjoy your comments far more if they didn’t smack of misogyny.

  8. Dadser Plays Possum says:

    I have a somewhat unpopular opinion, Julia Allison is actually a pretty attractive woman. She has definitely gained weight in the past two years and has had some bad face work, but when she tones down the makeup (hardly ever) and dresses in a way that flatters her body (even rarer) she looks pretty good.

    I know that Julia makes comments about her own, not to mention other people’s, looks all the time, but just because she gets down in the mud doesn’t mean we have to.

    Besides, there are so many other indisputable criticisms to lob at her, why focus on something subjective, ya know?

    • partypants says:

      It’s not her weight or her thighs or whatever. Her shape is her shape. But she used to wear a lot of pencil skirts and they looked fantastic on her curvy body. I don’t care if bitch gained 30 lbs, I don’t care if she has a 34 inch waist. Her fixation on her weight and clothing size is her fixation, not mine. My only body snark at this point is that she needs to dress in a different I don’t know, cut or whatever. Her sadtorial choices make her look weird and stumpy or something. IMO.

      She needs to go look at some pics of JLo and figure it out.

    • New Yorker says:

      Agreed. I actually think she has a beautiful smile and a lovely face and hair and body, and wish she’d stop all the injections and heavy makeup and extensions just let herself be. It makes it all more of a tragedy than a comedy… just be a natural pretty girl, just be nice, just stop coveting and realize your own potential and weaknesses and strengths and work with them. She’s clever enough to make something real of herself, you know? Mature, grow up. It’s like the Desiderata says:

      “Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
      they are vexations to the spirit.
      If you compare yourself with others,
      you may become vain and bitter;
      for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”

      • She's just stupid says:

        Sorry, but she’s actually not that good-looking in real life. Even with the makeup toned down.

        Truth: this grown woman’s greatest skill is making herself look good in many photos.

        I mean that sincerely. The angles, head-tilts, arm positioning make her look very different from the reality. Her face is just average. The body has been discussed.

        She should really do a post on the different ways she slims herself and hides her face shape, etc. I would actually read that.

      • New Yorker says:

        I’ve seen her in person. I really do think she’s pretty, but she cakes on the makeup so thick it adds a decade to her face.

        I feel gross even getting into this now, I have to stop.

      • She's just stupid says:

        We’ll just have to disagree I guess. 🙂 I saw her with makeup toned down and was surprised at the averageness.

      • heykolls says:

        She’s Just Stupid-

        Same. I’ve interacted with her at events where she’s troweled on the makeup and tuned it down, and still? Pretty, but average.

    • i agree, i think julia is a physically attractive woman underneath all the pelts, makeup and tutus. which just makes it more frustrating to see her dress herself so poorly. she consistently wears the least flattering clothes for her shape.

  9. Worrisome Pelts says:

    Julia wants people to talk about her body, she just doesn’t like what we’re saying. If she’d change the input (stop contorting wildly in photos while telling us how much she LOVES her body, etc.), we’d probably change the output.

  10. Russian Girl says:

    Also, she is fat now.

  11. Dancing With Myself says:

    Doesn’t she see how much better that pencil skirt above looks on her as compared to the Toddlers and Tiaras crap she usually wears?! All she needs to do it get a better shirt, take off the red lipstick, and smile for real and that would be an amazing picture. Honestly, what does she see in the mirror that makes her think that those tulle travesties she constantly sports look good on her?

    I do wonder how she can be at the hands of so many personal stylists and not learn a damn thing about dressing her body type. Also, the makeup? God, it’s like an episode of Scooby Doo, “Let’s see who he really is!” while pulling off the villain’s face.

  12. Jordache and the Pelts says:

    I don’t mean to sound all high and mighty bout the body snark because of course Lord knows I’ve participated in it here. I tend to glaze over when the commentary revolves around her body type. Yes, she takes shitty care of herself and could ostensibly look better but like all of us she is has to deal with the hand that genetics deals us. She’s not handling this gracefully or healthily and every time she mentions BPC and poses half-assedly in a gym my blood boils. It’s all the more ridiculous when her entire “business” consists of photos she’s posted of herself doing useless things- many of which are badly and desperately photoshopped.
    I don’t know if the body snark “hurts” her. It seems to me that she has hugely thick skin or is absolutely delusional batshit crazy. I do think it makes us look petty when the discussions revolve around her being “fat” though.

  13. Slutty Catbanger says:

    She should go to the g.d. gym once in awhile. God knows she has the time to do it. But she won’t because she doesn’t want to work for anything.

  14. ET says:

    I body snark because she photoshops her photos like a tool.

    I body snark because she is clearly so very insecure about her body and won’t STFU about how not skinny she is. She also is nonstop yipyammering about the food she eats and how bad it is for her.

  15. Stretch Marks says:

    I admit it. I used to be a Julia fan. I met her in person at SXSW last year and she seemed friendly and gracious. But as seems to be the case with everyone else, I eventually realized just how much of a sham she really is.

    That said, she is pretty IRL. Like really quite attractive. Yes, she wears an appalling amout of makeup. Yes, her clothes closely resemble costumes. But she’s incredibly tiny. Calling her fat means that like 70% of women are morbidly obese. If JA is fat, then I’m sending in my application for The Biggest Loser ASAP.

    Body snark always comes off like a cheap shot. In this case, it’s a hateful cheap shot.

    I come here for the LOLZ. Not cruelty.

  16. Pedantic Peltskatarian says:

    Interesting.

    Even Sarah Silverman, (who left TED attendees w/ gaping maws RE: her IN YOUR FUCKING FACE comedic repertoire on adopting a retarded child), draws the line at calling women fat, her rationale being that it’s never done to men.

    She needs to see GOMI comments RE: Scoble ~ we’re equal-opp snarkers.

  17. Jacy says:

    I’d still lick Muffintop’s balls and largely because she is constantly obsessing over women’s “tininess and cuteness.” She totally judges women by their looks. How many times have we seen her drop in an unnecessary “gorgeous” and “so small!” every time she’s kissing ass to some woman?
    Brains, ambition, accomplishments, etc., mean far less to her than a woman’s looks.

    Also: Expiration date. Women only stay thin until they snag a man. All married women let themselves go. I’m guessing it’s biology! Etc etc etc.

    She’s a bigger misogynist than this guy.

    • Grimace says:

      Totally agree Jacy. How many times has Julia called her pretty friends tiny and cute, while her average looking friends get the “my college roomate Judy” treatment? She’s a superficial cow.

    • yikes says:

      you’d lick his balls because he doesn’t like julia?

  18. Dr. Gary says:

    Donkey is a goddamned hypocrite. She ONLY judges other women/girls/bunnies based on looks. So, FUCK HER.

    She is a nasty, mean-spirited, phony, back stabbing, fat lazy fuck. She’s pushing 30, and has destroyed her metabolism with BPC and a terrible diet. Can’t be bothered to go to the gym or get any exercise of any kind. Wears clothing 3 sizes too small. Doesn’t take proper care of her dog. Uses people and treats them like shit. Has a vanity blog that she calls a ‘business’. Has burned every bridge she’s ever crossed. Been fired from TONY, Star, NNN and countless other jobs for being an asshole.

    So, do I feel bad for body snarking? HELL. NO.

  19. Pink Ruffled Cheese says:

    I quite like this post, PP.

  20. Sapphic Persuasion says:

    Jacy, you make a great point. I don’t know if she’s a bigger misogynist than the rant-poster, it’s hard to quantify these things, but you’re right, they’re both misogynist. And there’s so much more interesting things the poster could have said about his contact with her in class, the plagiarism, etc.

    And Partypants, I too am uncomfortable with the body snark at times. There’s often a fine line between mocking her own body hatred and participating in it.

    But, fundamentally, isn’t it pointless to talk about whether or not she’s actually pretty, as in objectively pretty? Sure, there’s usually some loose consensus about whether somebody’s hot or not, but it’s not black and white. I am not attracted to braying donkeys, but I think JA could be a beautiful person with less artifice, less posing, and a good therapist. As it stands, her lack of self-awareness, narcissism, and materialism are endlessly irritating; her heavy make-up is gross; her hairstyle is juvenile; her princess penchant produces ghastly sadtorial choices. But if she had a personality transplant, that required letting go of the make-up, hairdo, outfits and WLS poses, she could be a lovely girl with a generous ass and thighs. And I personally love a fat ass and thighs.

  21. I Love Your... Videos says:

    Every time I see her in person I am stunned but how, just, short and stocky she is, and how much space she seems to take up with the brays and the hammock legs. But honestly it’s the way she carries herself. There are hefty women, much larger than Julia, who carry themselves elegantly and don’t shout! every! word! they! say! I think that’s a lot of Muffintop’s anguish.

  22. "THE Julia Allison" says:

    It’s a short person thing. Napoleonic Complex. It’s just her trying to be an Alpha.

  23. Jack the Bulldog says:

    Oh my God, I think I know who wrote this and he’s right, a lot of us mostly lurk because you regular commenters at RBNS simply do it the best. If I’ve had a lousy day, I come here and always marvel at the genuine cleverness, always end up smiling and laughing before I go on my merry way. Whoda thunk when I was sitting in class back with the donk way back in 2004 that she’d bring me delightful chuckle after chuckle years later? Thanks, Georgetown’s most infamous plagiarist, and thanks, RBNS

  24. no mas says:

    From a lurker:
    The body snark is awful; not clever, not funny. Speculating about someone’s stench is bizarre, and discussing someone’s (95% of the time, a woman’s) fuckability is dull.

    When this site offers more subtle mockery of Julia’s actions, it can be really entertaining. But as a commenter once said [I’m paraphrasing]: if it’s a hate site, you can’t pick and choose which pieces to hate.

    It’s unfortunate that hate regularly trumps humor here.

    • Mini Driver says:

      Gracias, no mas.

      Critiquing an aspect or behavior of an individual transfers to a broader critique of that aspect or behavior in others. E.g: if one states “Julia is a plagiarist,” in the context of discussing how vile she is, the reader carries away the message “Plagiarism is shameful.” Other plagiarists in the reading audience share in that shame.

      When one makes that critique part and parcel of a larger statement that includes disparaging cracks about Julia’s fat ass, the reader carries away the message that “Fat asses are shameful.” Which they are not. Why, when a girl walks by with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in one’s face, one may very well get sprung.

    • totaljing says:

      Bravo!

  25. She's just stupid says:

    It’s not even a question with me that her looks are up for ridicule–for all of the reasons already stated and more. Make your bed and lie down and sleep all day in it. I also don’t think it’s the most snark-worthy part about her, but it’s not out of bounds by any stretch. I don’t even care if it makes commenters look stupid or demented. WHO CARES? This is a woman who, on one hand, says she’s happy and healthy, and, on the other, shows photos of poop juice and makes comments about how other people look all the time. She’s also a–BY VERY OBVIOUS CHOICE–public figure.

    Don’t be soft or young or overly-sensitive when it comes to this kind of creature. It’s not worth it. Call it.

    • no mas says:

      I care for a couple reasons.
      First, we can call out hypocrisy re poop juice and her claims to health (though she clearly struggles with disordered eating, so it’s more denial than hypocrisy). But shouting “Hypocrite!” does not = “Julia’s fat.” Saying she’s “Stupidly valuing women for their physical appearance” does not = “Julia’s fat.”

      “Julia’s fat” is not only not funny, but it’s precisely the stupidity we’re trying to call out in her, i.e., tying someone’s self-worth to her body.

      Second, I come here for entertainment. For people taking the piss out of silly acts. “Julia’s fat” makes scrolling through comments and posts more cumbersome. And every time I see it, I find it kind of depressing.

      A possible third reason: I feel RBNS is, to some small degree, interested in sending Julia a PSA. The body snarking undermines the legit message.

  26. Julia's Fat Ass says:

    She tucked in her right boob in the first picture. It’s really kinda sad.

  27. meh, i think its a flawed argument to say that she somehow asks for it based on her own behavior. despite what we do here (or not) and what she does and how she acts, i think we can confidently draw a line at body snarking and still be just as witty and awesome as ever.

  28. Julia'sButtSweat says:

    I don’t think she’s “fat” whatsoever and I never have liked the body-snarking aspect here. So her legs are a bit thick and she’s stumpy; she’s the average American woman. So she’s put on weight since she was pencil-thin prior to 2008; she’s still not “fat”, for chrissakes.
    Her main offense to me figure-wise is the fact that she’s put on a slight bit of weight yet she still dresses like she’s that same stick-thin young girl she used to be.

    Flattering clothing that FITS YOU PROPERLY, Julia: look into that because your current wardrobe makes you look bigger than you really are!!!

    I don’t hate her because she looks and dresses like a puffy clown. I just hate her because she’s a fucking bitch.

  29. June says:

    Julia’s body isn’t ugly. It’s her personality that’s repulsive

Comments are closed.