Julia Allison Asks Herself The Questions On Nobody's Minds

Remember that happy time, about three years ago, before you had heard of Julia Allison? You were thin, didn’t have any cats, and lived above ground. There was a whole place called the internet that didn’t have such things as NonSociety or RBNS. There was no global warming. Things were good.

Around that time The JABA was gunning to get famous. To prepare herself for the soon-to-happen endless interviews and profiles in magazines worldwide, Ms. Allison interviewed herself, since no one else wanted to do it. Let’s have a look back and see how she has grown and changed the last three years:

Name: Julia Allison
Age: 16. Or 25.  Depending on who you talk to …
Job: ex-dating columnist, AM New York; writer for Maxim & Cosmo; on-air commentator about all things fluffy.
Neighborhood: Gramercy.  ish.  Well … a little bit east – 21st and 2nd.  I’ve dubbed it, not that cleverly, “Ghetto Gramercy.”

Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Carrie Bradshaw, of course.  Do I really have another choice?  After all, it’s her fault I’m I was a NYC dating columnist.  Thanks for making it seem glamorous!  Liar.

What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
The Soy Gouda sandwich from Liquiteria on 11th and 2nd avenue.  I eat one every day.  Maybe twice a day.  It’s all I ever eat – they think I’m insane.  I probably am, from all that soy.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Frantically bail out my email inbox (publicists, spam), procrastinate writing my column procrastinate writing other stuff, frantically bail out my email inbox some more (editors, spam), dance around naked in my living room “thinking” of column ideas, frantically bail out my email inbox (boyfriends, spam).

Where do you get your coffee?
When I drink coffee (only in emergencies), from a cheesy, sugar laden machine at my corner deli, which I actually think is named “Corner Deli.”  Mostly I drink beet juice.  No, seriously.  I do.

What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
RENT, for it’s 10th anniversary.  I’d seen it before, but never in New York.

Do you give money to panhandlers?
No. I’m a journalist.  Panhandlers make more money than me.

What’s your drink?
The kind bought by men.

How often do you prepare your own meals?
Every day in the first year I lived here, and never since then.  Although I did put some frozen spinach in the microwave just last week.  That was big for me.

What’s your favorite medication?
Multi-Herb, Multi-Vitamin, prescribed by a dietician “to keep ya regular.”  Let me assure you, it works.

What’s hanging above your sofa?
A giant graphic portrait of me done by the guy who also does IKEA’s art, a one-year anniversary present from my ex-boyfriend.  It’s less narcissistic than it sounds, I promise.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
Anything more than $70 makes me hyperventilate.

When’s bedtime?
Midnight if I’m being good, 4 am if I’m not.

Brunch: pro or con?
Hell yes, every weekend without fail I get an everything bagel, scallion cream cheese and nova lox from Essa Bagel on 21st and 1st.  I die a little from happiness each time.  Or maybe that’s the feeling I get from my arteries slowly clogging.

What’s your thread count?
I have the most life-changing “beech sheets” from the Chelsea Bed Bath & Beyond.  They don’t even have threads.  They’re made of air.

What do you hate most about living in New York?
The freaking noise!  At 7 am!  On a Saturday!!  Car alarms, ambulances, jackhammers, children shrieking.  What the HELL!?!?  WHAT ARE YOU SHRIEKING ABOUT?  MOVE TO BROOKLYN, MOTHERF–KERS!!!!!!  I’m just saying.

What’s your brand of jeans?
Seven.  I think they make me look like I have a Brazilian butt.  I don’t know exactly what that means, but I know it’s good.

When was the last time you drove a car?
When I borrowed my ex’s to see what “driving around the city” was like.  It didn’t go well.  I really don’t miss tickets, accidents, or frantically seeking parking spots.  Or car insurance.  Or … did I mention accidents?

Who should be the next president?
Dear god, let it be a Hillary/Barack ticket.

Times, Post, or Daily News?
Gawker, because I have an attention span like a six year old boy on three cans of Diet Coke.  And then the Times, and after that the Post (Page Six), but only occasionally.  I won’t pay for it though – I skim it for free while I’m waiting for my Soy Gouda.  It’s not the quarter.  It’s the principle.

Yankees or Mets?
Um … I wouldn’t know a Yankee from a Met if I were naked in the bedroom with them.

What makes someone a New Yorker?
They’re ruthlessly ambitious.  Or ambitiously ruthless?

Yes, times sure have changed. Julia is now world famous. She’s come a long way since then – now Vogue and Harper’s clamour to have a moment of her time because she makes magazines fly off the shelves. She’s on a hit tv show, she shifted a paradigm. It’s fun to look back at those humble beginnings and smile at what she has achieved in three years. Bravo, Julia.

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103 Responses to Julia Allison Asks Herself The Questions On Nobody's Minds

  1. cara says:

    “What’s hanging above your sofa?
    A giant graphic portrait of me done by the guy who also does IKEA’s art…”

    Of course.

    • so… before the crash i was about to post these videos…
      here you can see that portrait of julia:
      http://vimeo.com/309244
      http://vimeo.com/282747

      • Ms. Malaprop says:

        She is a fat-tongue talker. Like, she pushes her tongue forward, possibly because she thinks it helps her enunciate or thinks it looks sexy. The whole time I was watching that I kept getting flashes of the scene in “European Vacation” (shut up) where Audrey is dreaming of being force-fed food and she kids disgustedly smacking her lips and tongue.

        Vile.

    • Julia's Fat Ass says:

      Um, yeah. That would be Alex’s sofa. Because I’m pretty sure that was Alex’s apartment she was squatting in for like, a year and half, before he finally evicted her and she rented the pink palace.

      Fucking whore.

      • Julia's Fat Ass says:

        “So I moved into the apartment I live in currently back in June of 2005, with my then boyfriend, although I kept paying my rent at my old place – on Park & 23rd – until October of that year (it served as a very expensive, very inconvenient closet). We lived there together until we broke up last August, 2006. My ex went to Europe, LA & Asia and then he basically moved in with his new girlfriend. The deal was that he would get the apartment back as soon as I found a new place. Which ended up being a little over a year after we broke up … oops?”

        Yep. Basically confirms it on that vimeo. She’s disgusting. What did she do, make Alex and his new girlfriend wait while she pretended to find her own place? What a cunt she is.

      • Julia's Fat Ass says:

        Also, Alex paid your rent you mean. Liar.

      • for serious?? says:

        Alex owned the place. Moved in with his g/f but still had to pay the mortgage as he had no intention of selling it. She knew it was paid for and whined and whined about not being able to find a place PLUS not the most steady pay comes the way of the freelance “journalist” (I know! ha!). So, he couldn’t just kick her out. I mean, she moved from LA to break up his marriage/live with him, right?

        So, she leeches on to [REDACTED], a paper millionaire. Finds her own apartment. Accepts a gift of furniture (tulip style table) from [REDACTED]’s mom. Goes about setting up house for her whirlwind development into NY/Silicon Valley/Barry Diller!! DVF!!! lifestyle.

        How’d that work out for you, Bunny?

        I guess you were right to set your sights on RVV first.

        That’d been a sure bet.

    • Jordache and the Pelts says:

      that Ikea faux-Warhol never fails to crack me up. also when she posts that stoopid photo of her going all That Girl in front of the Robert Indiana Love “statue.” Really, for someone who has lived in NYC, Chicago, and DC, she has the cultural literacy of cheez-wiz.

  2. juliaspublicist says:

    Driveby Commenter posted this link last night, it is a fun read if only to see how much she has fallen and all the fail that has encompassed the last two years.

    http://gawker.com/5025240/julia-tv-confirmed

    • for serious?? says:

      Wow. That is amazing.

    • DirtyLakeMichigan says:

      This was on there as her response to someone who wanted to know what camera she uses :

      “I have tried literally every camera out there – from the Sony DSC-T20 (DO NOT GET) to the Sony DSC-W80 (Don’t bother) to the Exlim Powershot (it’s okay) – but the one I highly recommend is the Canon SD-750 or SD-800. It’s just SOLID.”

      Sony should be VERY pleased.

  3. Pink Ruffled Cheese says:

    As a Brooklynite, I strongly urge all Manhattanites living below 125th and above 14th to stay firmly put and keep OUT of Brooklyn. Thanks.

  4. Lars Von New Trier says:

    This pretty much tells the whole JA story; in fact, it should be put on her tombstone:

    “What’s your drink?
    The kind bought by men.”

    And I think she misunderstands the brunch question. Isn’t brunch something you have with a girlfriend, boyfriend, and/or friends? Getting an everything bagel, on the weekend, and eating it by yourself in your tiny studio apartment is NOT brunch (and, if it is, then I had brunch every weekend from 1997 to 2004 without knowing it).

  5. Ginger Sans Pelts says:

    OMFG when is that picture from?

  6. Jacy says:

    No one can ever love her as much as she loves herself, which is at the heart of every one of her myriad problems.

  7. Bored says:

    She was actually kind of funny in the interview. So that has changed.

  8. Hill Girl says:

    WHY IS JULIA ALLISONS DAD AT A FASHION SHOW WITH HER.

    I think he is Prom King. Has to be. For the love of God!

    • Ginger Sans Pelts says:

      What the fuck?

      • Hill Girl says:

        @juliaallison Front row at Naeem Khan next to MY DAD! It’s his very first fashion show! #NYFW

      • Ginger Sans Pelts says:

        No, I know, it’s just too bizarre and surreal sounding… hence the WTF. ;p

      • puddingnose says:

        It’s official! You don’t need to have anything to do with the fashion world to nab a front row (or second row) seat at NY Fashion Week.
        The Baughers are proof!
        Maybe the fact that they’re trend-setters in the super-elite Chicago via Princeton via Yale circle they run in helped?
        Can’t be their sense of style.

    • Pedantic Peltskatarian says:

      Dadser is here?

      Well, she did say she was delaying
      her Valentine’s Day celebration ….

    • Grimace says:

      I can’t deal with dad creepiness on top of all the other recent mania. It’s too much.

    • Princess WideStance says:

      Oh yeah, I know what’s going on here. she’s gotta try to legitimize her lifestyle so that he’ll keep supporting her.

  9. Anonymous says:

    What’s hanging above your sofa?
    A giant graphic portrait of me done by the guy who also does IKEA’s art, a one-year anniversary present from my ex-boyfriend. It’s less narcissistic than it sounds, I promise.

    No, it’s not, you dumb donkey! It’s exactly as narcissistic as it sounds! Jesus! I have no idea why this drew me out of lurkerdom to post, but my god, I needed an outlet for the rage.

  10. Julia's Old Nose says:

    This is from two threads ago, and I HAVE to bring it up because if it’s true, it’s just too juicy. (Also, from one of my favorite commenters)


    Fashiongirlxoxo Says:
    February 18, 2010 at 4:36 pm
    The rumor that it was a dead mike with a cribbed tag is one of my favorites ever.

    Did she save an NBC/NY NonStop mic flag and use it at Fashion Week without actually being assigned to contribute for them? If she entered NYFW w/ a press pass, WHERE can we see her coverage?

    Jackles, I know you don’t read here, but there is no reason any short interviews/pieces you did for them would NOT be up SOMEWHERE by now. Those are wham-bam-thank-you-mam hits that get turned around quickly for the web, right?

    Julia, WHERE’S THE BEEF? Link to whatever coverage of yours is up outside of NonSociety. Prove me wrong. Do it.

  11. muffintop says:

    let me tell you a few things about julia allison. i have been a longtime reader and this will probably be my only comment ever. i love you guys, but you do it better than i can. just this:

    i went to georgetown. julia was in my class. bitch got busted for plagiarism in a journalism class. what else is there to say?

    we have many mutual friends, and although she will never remember me, we have met many times throughout the years. never a kind word from anyone who knows her. anyone. EVER.

    let me give you an assesment as a straight man (i feel like i’m in the minority here, but who knows?). she has really short and stumpy legs. also fat. like easter hams. she has really short and stumpy fingers. incredible girth. like vienna sausages. i think it’s some kind of genetic deficiency. kind of like a t-rex. she has this really annoying voice that is somehow shrill and husky at the same time. you can hear it coming from a mile away. actually, you can kind of feel it in your chest like when you’re in a nightclub or at a concert. her legs get really think towards the top and her ass is huge. HUGE. the upper half of her body is totally disproportionate from the lower half. the lower half is built like an offensive tackle. she also has a huge mouth. she always wears skirts hiked up to her tits to make it look like that’s her waist and to try to hide her fat ass. also, to make her legs look longer than they are. she wears a shit-ton of makeup. literally caked on her face. it glistens in normal light. she has had mucho work done. i can understand how some of the nerdy tech guys she hangs out with want to bang her cause they don’t get that much ass, but how any self-respecting man could be attracted to that emasculating slut is beyond me. crying during sex? i’d rather bang a dude. fake hair? fake nails? just gross. she is a shocking caricature of a woman in real life. she physically repulses me and her mere presence causes me anxiety.

    i know this comes off as crass and mean, but being such a vile bitch reduces people like me to taking the easiest jab i can. deep breath. that’s all. thanks!

    • Grimace says:

      That was beautiful.

    • Jacy says:

      “I’d rather bang a dude” seriously had me choking on my pita chips.

      AWESOME

    • Dr. Gary says:

      muffintop? I will bang you just for writing this.

      p.s. I’m a girl.

    • Sausage Snappers says:

      <3

    • Julia's Fat Ass says:

      “but how any self-respecting man could be attracted to that emasculating slut is beyond me.”

      Exactly. Thank you for this. Confirms what we all know in juicy detail, and it was funny. A+.

      • Anon says:

        Sorry, using the phrase “emasculating slut” disqualifies you from being funny, true, or not a raging misogynist. I thought this comment fucking sucked. Who gives a fuck about her physical flaws, which are catalogued here all the time anyway (in the exact same phrasing this guy used even)? Tell us something interesting if you know her.

      • Ginger Sans Pelts says:

        Anon, I’m a woman and a feminist, but I don’t see calling someone an “emasculating slut” as a display of misogyny if the person in question is, in fact, an emasculating slut.

        If you object to the phrase being used, please tell me, what should we call a person who:

        1. Sees sex as a commodity to be traded for expensive dinners and gifts
        2. Reduces the men she dates to infantile, shallow and sometimes offensive code names” “Jewish Writer”, “Hipster Lawyer, Prom King”. Let’s also not forget “Booty Call” and “Harvard Harley”..
        3. Measures a man’s worth by the girth of his wallet and his “generosity”, meaning willingness to shower her with gifts
        4. Insults, demeans and infantilizes the men she dates
        5. Has repeatedly hit on married/engaged men and had sex with some
        6.. Wears clothing that’s too tight, too short, shows too much skin and is generally reminiscent of a low grade street walker.

        Sounds like an emasculating slut to me, wouldn’t you say?

      • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

        Eat a dick, Anon. The truth about individual women isn’t always pretty.

    • PhillyHoya says:

      My fellow Hoyas continue to make me so proud. *smooches* for you!

    • epic rant deserves it own post!

    • New Yorker says:

      “kind of like a t-rex.”

      Beautiful. Quick, someone with better Photoshop skills than me…

  12. Jacy says:

    This might be one of the best lurker-finally-snaps comments ever, and God knows there have been some stellar ones.

  13. Pedantic Peltskatarian says:

    That pic is 3-4 years old? Wow. Donkey’s been needing to hit the butterfly presses for quite some time then, eh?

    Hey, Julia Allison who never reads here: next time you wanna cry over wedding dresses, here are some you really should consider …

  14. anon says:

    i actually read this and thought…”gee, pp is not up to her gut-busting self. this is annoyingly NOT funny, and yet cloyingly attempting to be.”

    then i realized ja actually wrote this and i lost my effing mind.

    also, a complete and utter sidenote:
    someone explain to me how any of the three million pics she’s posted of herself, with the jewels, and the heels, and the purple prom dress of doom count as anything close to content for fw????
    the only thing resembling thought versus ‘pictures of myself looking cute’ is a repost of an empty runway pic.
    and even then, i’m stretching.

    THIS is why i hate her. because she feels justified/entitled to respect, admiration, martyrdom and an unearned PAYCHECK from what amounts to nothing more than a glorified facebook page.

  15. Catch the Spit says:

    Jesus fuck… I’m gonna share something with you: For a long time I’ve considered starting a Tumblr or WordPress or Whatever-the-Fuck called “Phony Q&A” or “Phony Interviews,” and the premise is answering the phony bullshit, naval-gazing (or is that naval-grazing?) questions the kind of Esquire or W schmuck/pretend journo asks vapid fuckknuckles like Donkey. The more obnoxious, out-there answers the better, right? Sample Q: “Tell us something only your first boyfriend/girlfriend would know.” Sample A: “I masturbated using Prell shampoo to a mental image of him/her kicking my dad’s/mom’s ass in our rec room.”

    But, Donkey? That little pig has me beat.

  16. Catch the Spit says:

    Q:Do you give money to panhandlers?
    A: No. I’m a journalist.

    It’s not a lie if *you* believe it.

  17. Curious George says:

    OT. Just saw Jordan and Kendrick walking on 42nd. Gave her the one over and wondered who the crazy girl was wearing no leggings/tights/pants in this weather with a thigh high dress and flats. Noticed him cuz the second thought in my head was, ooh, the crazy girl is with a cute guy. Then realized with shock that I recognized both of them. She was whining about someone to him and also awkwardly snorting. He was giving her an amused smile, looking down and walking along.

    Must say, she did well for herself. He is much cuter in person.

  18. Curious George says:

    *Sigh*, I mean thigh length dress.

    I’ve also seen Julia and Meghan being interviewed in Soho last year. Meghan is gorgeous in person, Julia is short and really doesn’t know how to emote at all. Her insecurity really comes across in person. She kept looking at Meghan and trying out how to compose her face for the camera…

  19. dadsers and julia in the background of this photo:
    http://twitpic.com/140vv1

    • New Year Old You says:

      “Hey top designers, fashion’s kinda over and no-one of any importance goes to fashion week anymore, I mean why trudge out in the cold and snow when you can watch it on a live stream.

      Yes top designers I know you were hoping for editors, buyers and A-listers in your front row. But I bring you something much better:

      The ineffable, HIGHLY FASHIONWORLDY INFLUENTIAL…
      Peter Fucking Baugher.”

      PS: Don’t call me when your business fails.

    • Pedantic Peltskatarian says:

      Uhm, is Lasagna looking rather wistfully at Dadser? Strange expression, that one. Also? She should have adjusted her dress, she’s more or less flashing.

      • that would be AWESOME! lasagna and dad get it on as julia’s world crumbles, momsers shacks up with hipster lawyer, prop thing is gay and steals kendrick from jordan, and the women of nonsociety drown their sorrows in ben&jerry’s. the end!

      • "Pilot" is the new "keynote" says:

        FC, I seriously laughed out loud at that. Thank you!

    • Jacy says:

      Oh my God, that is painfully hilarious. Who brought the accountant?

    • Jacy says:

      Also, look how he’s sitting!! Legs spread, airing out the balls. I guess we know where she gets her wide stance from.

    • New Yorker says:

      Her dad is Stephen Hawking?!

      From that shot it looks like one of her legs/shoes belongs to him.

  20. Fauxga Party! says:

    A haircut? There was a time before she discovered pelts?

  21. Normal Healthy Julia That I Am Today says:

    I suggest that Julia make a profile for this new slambook-esque site:

    http://failin.gs/

    • Princess WideStance says:

      She’s the first person I thought of when I saw that site.

      It would be awesome — then all the people in her life could finally tell her directly all the shit that’s wrong with her.

      Then again, we don’t want them to stop venting to RBNS.

  22. for serious?? says:

    To whichever of her pseudo-beaus reads here:

    THAT is what she looked like years ago. I know it’d not all that great, but, dude….

    YOU FUCKED A DONKEY!!!

  23. So. Over. says:

    Sidetrack— I was just updating my itouch for a trip to Madrid with my OMG Harvard
    live-in lover. Updating—and I notice NNN…..and then TMI Weaklee. 7—count ’em 7 whole ratings for that caned shit-show. I had to add my rating, and I suggest you’all do the same… just sayin’!
    Yes she did!! included the “crying before/during/after sex” epic episode.

  24. pink bunny wabbit says:

    where is she living now? I am assuming with Pk?
    its all so weird
    Has dadsers come to collect her & install in in the DOWNTOWN CONDO/shelteredworkshop for midget ballerina donkeys?

    • TackyCow says:

      she is forcing dadsers to sit through fashion week. poor guy she is probably begging him to buy her clothes.

      My dad is 2nd row behind me with @MeganAlagna. I’m getting all teary eyed that this is the final show! #NYFW
      about 2 hours ago from txt
      Reply Retweet

      LAST SHOW OF OF THE LAST DAY OF THE LAST SEASON HERE HERE AT BRYANT PARK … About to start! #NYFW
      about 2 hours ago from txt

      Naeem Khan OMFG!! Jaw-droppingly STUNNING, opulent, bejeweled perfection. Favorite collection of the season. #NYFW
      about 3 hours ago from txt

      We have 4 members of NonSociety in the front row – @JordanBerkow, @KatrinaSzish, @MeganAlagna – missing @Meghan!!
      about 4 hours ago from txt

      Front row at Naeem Khan next to MY DAD! It’s his very first fashion show! #NYFW
      about 4 hours ago from txt

      • Exhausted Drag Hag says:

        She’s entering tila tequilaville in terms of multiple posts saying the same thing over and over. I’m not deaf. I heard you the first time, loony tunes.

  25. Fashiongirlxoxo says:

    OMG HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE POSTING WHEN MISS JOHNNY WEIR IS ABOUT TO SKATE? YOU SHOULD BE PRAYING ON YOUR KNEES FOR HIS VICTORY. WHAT KIND OF GAYS AND FAG HAGS ARE YOU? GAWD!!!!

  26. ET says:

    http://www2.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Around+Bryant+Park+Day+8+Fall+2010+MBFW+6tq73NhXvEhl.jpg
    new photos.

    sooo are those black tights with studded, heeled strappy sandals? LOL. Please tell me no.

    • The Manta says:

      Did this chick just wear three purple dresses in a row? Talk about stuck in rut.

    • New Yorker says:

      I just… no. That dress could be fine, on a different person, in the proper size, with scaled down, modern accessories, flat boots or sandals, no makeup, fake hair, fake nails… it’s just overload. It’s like before she leaves the house she puts four more things on. You can just tell by looking at that picture that she’s engulfed in a cloud of teenage hooker perfume. Ten bucks says it’s Vera Wang Princess. Anyone who can confirm this, I”ll PayPal you a beer.

  27. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Well, how interesting. Looks like the pink palace is off the market as of yesterday.

    http://streeteasy.com/nyc/sale/465432-condo-350-west-53rd-street-clinton-new-york

    Either it sold, or perhaps the owner is going to move in.

    • Ginger Sans Pelts says:

      Or Dadser showed up to Julia’s rescue and bought the damn place…

      • Sacred Scrapbooks says:

        Maybe, but that would be weird, not only from an investment point of view in the current RE market, but also because Donkey has complained that the place is too small. If she’s renting another place, he might be needed as a co-signer on the lease… But who knows, maybe he is co-signing a mortgage and condo agreement for her. Too many possibilities, really, including simple coincidence.

      • TackyCow says:

        Even with Dadsers money I bet he would not buy that place. If the OMG pilot gets picked up (please please no no no) then she would be on the west coast and he would be out of money. He would also be out if she ends up in B school so I bet he is helping her move this weekend.

    • reformed says:

      holy SHIT. i’m sorry, my lack of cosmopolitan is going to show right now. that tiny stupid studio sold for 479k?! oh man. that is too ridiculous. no thank you, new york.

Comments are closed.