Programming Note: Lawyer Up RBNS

So Julia Allison has taken the advice of an armchair lawyer and will run to daddy to ask about suing those mean people on the internet. Naturally, my pelts are shaking, so we here at RBNS have decided to retain the services of an accomplished and experienced legal professional.

Please welcome new RBNS contributor, Partypants, Attorney at LOL. And look, she’s already hard at work:

I have been retained by the intarwebs to pursue a lolsuit against The Future Mrs. Obscenely Successful Suckithaters (legal name) on behalf of RBNS. I hereby inform you that I have filed a legal tutu in the Fluffypink District Court, State of Dementia, stating that you IMMEDIATELY cease and desist being overshary and hilarious.

Our Lol Offices will be in further contact with your represention, AKA Princess Tea Party and Assoc., to begin proceedings.

We will not immediately take action, so don’t shit your legal briefs. You have 30 days to lol back at us, or we will pursue our lolsuit with all our intarnets power.

With a credible attorney like Partypants, I feel so much better. Snark away!

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90 Responses to Programming Note: Lawyer Up RBNS

  1. OrangeArchesofDoom says:

    I’d like damages for the pain and suffering I experienced while viewing a JABa interview that was taped in LA.
    I was having coffee at my desk over lunch hour, your honor, and when she took off her sunglasses I gasped out loud and physically recoiled from my monitor!
    The scalding coffee spilled all over my favorite pink ruffle low-cut sleeveless “office” blouse and I was badly burnt in the area of my generous cleavage.
    I am seeking a cease and desist of all live interviews and $1 million for damages to my peace of mind and irreplacable blouse.

  2. Fauxga Party! says:

    I can’t believe I never heard of Attorney at LOL before I read RBNS. And I will argue that in the jury box if it gets me into this “trial.”

  3. WTH? says:

    PartyPants,

    Excuse me, I mean: PartyPants, Esquire, Attorney at LOL,

    I know you’re a lawyer and all that but upon reading your intro to your recent legal proceedings I’d like to ask why on earth are you not a WRITER professionally? Or comedian at the least?

    Yours in LOL,

    WTH

  4. shamoolia says:

    I think we should consult Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Why is Julia not listed as President Emeritus of the Lemoncake Stupid Society?

    • Dyspeptic2 says:

      I think we should have our attorney fire off a letter to Jimbo Wales demanding that this oversight be remedied stat.

      • partypants says:

        To whom it may concern,

        It has come to our attention that cupcakes are criminally unrepresented in your Lemoncake Stupid Society. We here at RBNS demand that you immediately rectalfy this defecation of character.

        Lemon Cupcakes have been proven by science to be twice as stupid for their mass compared to Lemoncake. For you to overlook their inclusion in your society is not only cruel, but violates the Equal Stupidtunity Enjoyment Act of 2009.

        We have included the picture of a potential member of what we would prefer you rename the Lemon*cake Stupid Society, and we hope that with time, all lemon based bakery items can enjoy equality and acceptance in America and the World.

        Best Regards,
        Partypants, Attorney at LOL

        Potential Member: http://those-clouds.com/misc/food/BlogLemCc02.jpg

  6. flatface says:

    Atty. PaprtyPants,

    I have a “hypothetical” question on a point of law. Suposse I “sued” a law student. Let’s call him Joe.

    Now when I sued him – and I sued him good – we were both a little intoxicated. Long story short, I videoptaped myself suing him.

    Later as our “lawsuit” dragged on, we would sometimes have pre-trial conferences and view this videotape of ourselves suing each other like crazed weaseals.

    Eventually, as most lawsuits do, ours was adjudicated, and we parted ways. Sometime after that his long-term boyfriend got a package in the mail that contained a copy of the tape of me suing the beejezus out of Joe in a men’s room in the West Village.

    My question is this: can I be held responsible for the distribution of this videotape?

  7. OrangeArchesofDoom says:

    And my I just say it’s great to have an Attorney at LOL on board. Do you by any chance know anything about Federal or State tax law? Because I’ve been wondering, when attend a conference for example, and my flight, accomodations and incidentals are all covered by the sponsoring organization, does that constitute income, as in, part of my remuneration for attending said conference? Thank you in advance because I am SO behind on filing my taxes and I don’t know if all the freebies and swag and comps I’ve been given in the past year are just because I’m such an nice person or if they are part of my business income.

    • Dr. Gary says:

      from http://www.irs.gov re: Business Income

      “You must report on your tax return all income you receive from your business unless it is excluded by law. In most cases, your business income will be in the form of cash, checks, and credit card charges. But business income can be in other forms, such as property or services.”

      Depends on how you set up your business. Let’s say you’re not incorporated and file a Schedule C. The provider of hotel, airfare, meals and other compensation would most likely include that, along with any fees paid, on a 1099 issued to you, which moves the tax burden from them to you. This is reported directly to the IRS via form 1098. If you fail to include it on your return, the IRS would definitely find out and notify you.

      Now, if you’re receiving swag, freebies and other items that are not accounted for on a 1099, it’s the honor system. However, if the IRS were to do an audit, and they discovered that you received these goods and didn’t declare them on your return? Then you would be liable for the tax owed, plus penalties and interest.

  8. NewTrierAlum says:

    This is serious dream come true. She would get to sue people for snarking on her (which is how she got famous/popular in the first place)…. Money for doing nothing, the Julia Baugher way of life.

  9. Anony says:

    Wow, I have been out purchasing Sony brand products in the exact shade of my newly curled hair pelts and have missed so much! But partypants, my daddy says you are hilarious!

  10. flatface says:

    PP,
    If you sue someone and he also is suing someone else, or even multiple someones-elses at the same time, how do you know if the verdict is really yours?
    I mean, it could be anyone’s verdict, right?
    What legal protections do I have?

  11. shamoolia says:

    Will this trial be televised? Because if it is, I want to be sponsored by Forever 21 and get all my cap-sleeved polyester blend mini skirt “suits” for free.

  12. Dirty Lake Michigan says:

    Dying.
    You guys need to submit THIS to Bravo!!
    Do you hear me guffawing all over teh intarwebs????

    • melissa0sue00rbns says:

      pfft. they’d just pass our brilliant reality show over for some piss ant rich kids. not that i am bitter.

  13. shamoolia says:

    I am not sure if this has been brought up before or if it even makes sense, but we’re making fun of a person named Julia Allison. If Julia Baugher didn’t go through the proper legal channels to officially change her name to Julia Allison, then are we really even making fun of a real person here? Can Julia Baugher sue RBNS for defaming Julia Allison is it isn’t even her real name? Help me, Partypants, Attorney at LOL!

    • partypants says:

      Partypants here to assist you with your lol needs.

      A person who does not legally exist cannot sue an entity which exists only on teh intarether. Other things that cannot file lawsuits include the krakken, unicorns, and partypants in a bikini.

      Thank you for using the Partypants Lol Library

      • melissa0sue00rbns says:

        You are going to regret saying that. Mr. Harold J. Kraken is right now behind closed doors with his own LOLawyer, drawing up papers to sue you for defaming his character by saying that he can’t file lawsuits.

  14. Paul Truckk says:

    In Julia Allison’s own words:

    “I love being a caricature,” says Allison with a smile as she curiously swirls French Onion cheese around a spoon. “I’m creating the caricature so it’s totally fine. I love watching how people react to what I’ve created.” She waves for the waiter. “Is this what I ordered?” asks Allison. He nods, she persists. “Wait, are you single? Am I’m being obnoxious? Am I the most obnoxious person you have ever met?” The waiter wanly smiles and says, No, this is SoHo and it’s only 1:30. The truly obnoxious people are still asleep.

    http://www.mediabistro.com/articles/cache/a10131.asp

    So, joe-joe, the attorney at LOL, can only sue for defamation of caricature, not defamation of character. Really, she’s her own worse enemy. She is on record saying that “Julia Allison” is a role. Additionally, she’s explicitly consenting to reactions based on the Julia Allison caricature. Furthermore, these reactions could easily be construed as opinion on a matter of public interest. Argh, she’s so infuriating.

    • Dyspeptic2 says:

      “I love watching how people react to what I’ve created.”

      Except when I don’t.

      • awkward.com says:

        “I love watching how people react to what I’ve created.”

        Except when I am criticized for it. Except when something, anything, negative is said about it. Except when people don’t LOVE me the way they SHOULD, DAMNIT! Except when I am called out on my inconsistencies, blatant lying, and fraud. Except when my own words and actions come back to haunt me.

    • JPA says:

      also, I love that Vegetarian JA is eating French onion soup….

  15. Worrisome Pelts says:

    Dear PartyPants, Esq., Attorney at LOL –

    I was injured recently when a trainwreck on my computer screen veered wildly from prudish brunette to slutty redhead, causing me to do a double take worthy of Daffy Duck. The resulting whiplash has caused me much pain and inconvenience, including the inability to take Joe Joe’s lame threats seriously, and the loss of compensation I might have received had I been able to shill for the Equinox in Columbus Circle.

    Will my personal injury case net me fuck you money or just free products that my intern can return for gift cards?

    Yours familialy,

    Worrisome Pelts

  16. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Laughing so hard that I am sure the DOPAMINE is coursing through my central nervous system, peoples! As you were.

    • partypants says:

      I think we all needed a good laugh today to balance out the irritation and rage.

      • flatface says:

        I haven’t felt this good since I “sued” that law student Joe Joe in his family’s basement rec room. We were both so scared his parents would walk in and see us “suing” each other that it made all the more intense. You wanna talk about dopamine? Try holding back your “verdict” while some law student is “suing” your daylights out under his grandmother’s quilt with Jay Leno blaring at you from the tv.

      • Dr. Gary says:

        flatface: LOL!

    • shamoolia says:

      Agreed. This has been the funniest day EVER on RBNS. I am sure there are more than a few COMEDY WRITERS in our midst.

    • fuck camping! says:

      ah, you guys RAWK!. don’t let the bastards get you down, and let the LOL unfold.

  17. chescaleigh says:

    partypants, you’re my hero

  18. idiotbox says:

    you guys! do you think she’s suing you because i blocked her yesterday?!

    and i hope rich and cavino sue her for defamation.

    and partypants: i love you! Even though you made me crack my face mask today.

  19. sherlock says:

    PP Esq.,

    What is an appropriate outfit for the court hearing?

    Worried,

    Sherlock

  20. fuck camping! says:

    guys, i want to crowdsource a little something from you: we all know about the “expiration date” comment from julia, but she later denied it, or tried to explain it away. where was that? link, anybody? i have a feeling it was during the livecast the other week, but not sure. kthxbai.

    • sherlock says:

      She has said it in that cosmetic surgery / whatever documentary. That’s all I can remember (if I’m right).

    • anon says:

      pretty sure it was the mediabistro Becoming Julia Allison article.

    • anon says:

      searched the article. not there. I refer you to sherlock.

    • fuck camping! says:

      I know where she said it, I just don’t know where she denied it. she tried to explain it away, like it wasn’t about looks, it was about fertility/babies/menopause, not physical attractiveness.
      yep, i know the mentions of “expiration date” are from youth knows no pain, and she has mentioned it elsewhere as well.

    • shamoolia says:

      The “expiration date” line is at the very end of the mediabistro article:

      “It’s time for dinner and I suggest we go somewhere in her neighborhood. A look of horror comes across her face. “I can’t go out looking like this.” This prompts further pontification/rationalization on the separation of her two sides. “Why would you want to present yourself in an unattractive light? I like being seen as attractive. I also know that I have an expiration date. Maybe seven years.”

      She also said it in the trailer for the documentary:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUiCU5xsvPU

      0:35 mark

    • fuck camping! says:

      thanks gahz! i will have to enlist your collective wisdom in the future as i (we) try to paint a fair and balanced picture of princess pelts-a-lot on the glossary. come on down, we’ve got entries on mom’s special guacamole, granny moneypanties, alex the ex, cancer dan, and many more.

    • melissa0sue00rbns says:

      She says a version of it in the Becoming Julia story: “I know that I have an expiration date. Maybe seven years.” (Source: http://www.mediabistro.com/articles/cache/a10131.asp)

      She also says it in Youth Knows No Pain, the HBO documentary she and Mary are in. From 32 seconds into the trailer: “I was highly aware that I had an expiration date, as a woman).” (Source: http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/youth-knows-no-pain/trailer)

  21. 2 degrees from JA says:

    Best.RBNS.Day.Ever.

    Y’all are ineffably awesome.

  22. partypants says:

    i am about to sue franzia for embezzling my money

  23. Pearl Freshwater says:

    OK, so I haven’t made it through the comments on this thread yet (my god, you guys are prolific! I do other things for a few days and now I have, like, homework to do!) but I have a question re Julia Allison’s law suit against RBNS. I live in Canada. Can Joe-Joe or Daddy Roach supeona my ass up here? And if she/he can does he/she have to pay my airfare, hotel and expenses when they take it to trial? If yes, then I’m willing to say any damn thing I need to to get a paid vaycay in NYC. What is the verbal price of a libel charge these days? ‘Cause I’ve got my online dictionary and thesaurus standing by. And I ain’t askairda no ghosts! (Well, Julia Allison’s orange eyebrows scare me a bit; or, a least, they distract me so much that I lose my train of thought. I’ve looked a bit silly in public a couple of times recently as a result: can I sue her for that?)

    • Pearl Freshwater says:

      Also: is my avatar obnoxious enough to count as a libel on it’s own? If it helps, it is identified as “Julia Wonkeye 1.jpg” in my folder. Is it better if I call it Julia ALLISON BAUGHER Wonkeye 1, 2, 3, or 4? (depending on if it’s a faux mullet, kissy face or gaping maw.)

    • Jacy says:

      Canadians are safe. Two different countries, two different legal systems. All that could happen is the courts could compel WordPress to shut it down.

    • Sake Bombadier says:

      I personally cannot wait to be subpoenaed. It’s been one hell of a dry spell!

      I’ll be in the bathroom shaving for a few hours if anyone needs me.

  24. AVOCADOS! says:

    Can I sue Julia for giving women a bad name? You know, cause I’m a woman!

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  26. Isabella says:

    If you hire a new lawyer, your new lawyer should take care of the process of getting your file from your former lawyer and getting any necessary substitution of counsel filed with the court.
    You can hire any lawyer you want, as long as they’re licensed to practice in the court where your case is pending, but hiring one near the courthouse can save you from having to pay for your lawyer’s travel time.

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