Julia Allison: It's Not Him, It's You


I really want to ask a recent date if he found it as awkward & boring as I did. Not to be rude, but to satiate my curiosity. Should I?19 minutes ago from web

I thought he was a great guy & given his stats (smart, cute, theoretically “funny”) chemistry SHOULD have been there. But it just wasn’t.3 minutes ago from web

I’m heading out for beer. So all I will say is this: FUCK OFF, JULIA!
Have a nice weekend, y’all!


Jesus Christ, I’ve been sick all day but this has been enough to cause me to lift my head from the pillow and vent spleen.

Hey, Jackles-ass, you won’t NEED to tell him you had a shitty time on your stupid date, because you just Tweeted it to all your followers, one of whom just happens to be HIM. Real subtle, real classy.

To the Comedy Writer: BULLET DODGED, my friend, BULLET DODGED.

I knew, I just knew, the whole “I found a boyfriend” thing was aimed at someone — it always is. They had a crappy date but started Twitter-following each other anyway, he probably told her he wasn’t really interested, and within hours she was Tweeting about falling in love with someone she least expected to fall in love with, making sure she got it out there that it was someone in California, and braying about having a boyfriend.

This chick is unbelievable.

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94 Responses to Julia Allison: It's Not Him, It's You

  1. totaljing says:

    Feel better, Jacy! You are still at you best when you feel your worst.

  2. gb2hell says:

    “…satiate my curiosity.” Are you TOO FUCKING GOOD for the word “satisfy”??????

    Well, considering the fact that to satiate is to satisfy to excess, I guess it’s appropriate. Jackles the Cupcake Cougar tries to satisfy every hunger to excess.

  3. Jacy says:

    Theoretically “funny.”

    Like she’s theoretically “sane.” What a cuntwitch.

    • Loren Feldman says:

      Thats what got me.

      • Jacy says:

        My blood is boiling about this one.

        Let’s list the things that JA is:

        Theoretically “hot”
        Theoretically “sane”
        Theoretically “on leave from asylum for a few hours and therefore allowed on computer”
        Theoretically “so nice”
        Theoretically not “a fucking nasty mentally deranged asshole”

    • Julia's Fat Ass says:

      I think this is her way of making it obvious that this tweet is about Jewish Writer. Extra cunt points!

      I know JA, it’s a real MIND-BOGGLER that you don’t always have chemistry with men from Harvard. (Or shall I say, they don’t always want to hang out with you again.) This would take 28 years to figure out, wouldn’t it? Especially from a “dating expert.”

    • PhillyHoya says:

      Cuntwitch is my new favorite word.

  4. Juliaspublicist says:

    You probably got swine flu from this pig.

  5. Wide-set Vagina says:

    I thought he was a great guy…until he didn’t worship me.
    I thought he was funny…but he didn’t laugh at my jokes, nor would he let me help him improve his scripts.
    I thought he was cute…until he didn’t like me back.

  6. WTH? says:

    There are no words. Who does stuff like this? Feel better Jacy.

  7. feel better jacy!

    reposting from another thread:



    • Tom says:

      I don’t get it. I can’t buy it from there. and it’s not available in mens sizes or hoodies or coffee mugs. Cafepress this shit dawg.

      Also, I wouldn’t want to wear a picture of meghan, it’s more subtle is it’s just the words. and funnier.

      B for effort.

    • zandra says:

      the way meghan points at shit and does that creepy smile pisses me off in the extreeeeeeme.. i seriously get into such a rage about it. aaargh

  8. The Manta says:

    Folks keep your eyes peeled on Fallon because I have a feeling a narcissist famewhore character might start showing up in the skits.

  9. The Manta says:

    “technically” funny? ICE BURN!

  10. Anony says:

    I f’n knew it too. Date goes poorly, he isn’t in to her, as revenge she twits on and on about how busy her love life is and how many other guys are interested in her. She’s such a chump.

    • Jacy says:

      Exactly. There is always an ulterior motive to those Tweets, always a score she’s trying to settle.

      Those “machinations” that exist between the sexes, that fucking trite bullshit she keeps braying about, is all HER. She’s the one who’s always playing the games.

      I’ll bet she e-mailed him or something today and he blew her off, too, and that’s why she Tweeted this today.

      I hope TK is playing close attention. She lays it all out there for these clowns. Buyer beware.

    • zandra says:

      it’s good because at least now this funny probably sweet guy can go off and marry a decent girl. it was definitely summed up nicely earlier with the dodged bullet comment.

  11. juliaspublicist says:

    How does someone being smart, cute and “technically funny” qualify two people for having amazing chemistry, especially since Julia is none of those things.

  12. Julia's Fat Ass says:

    She’s awesome! Now that she has a “boyfriend” (aka freaky needy weirdo who emailed her for 3 years from 2000 miles away), she can say fuckall to all the men who didn’t want her. The essence of maturity and tact, this one.

    Hey JA, dating expert, typically when dates don’t go well, you just fucking DISAPPEAR. You don’t drag it out on your nauseating twitter feed for all the world to see because you obviously can’t get it through your thick skull that some (most) guys aren’t going to find you endlessly charming and gorgeous. They don’t give a shit and and neither should you, don’t you have a boyfriend now or something who will finally give you the endless fawning attention you need (until he spends more than 6 hours with you and runs away)?

    Really. I would love just such a conversation to take place.

    JA: (ring ring) Hey! It’s me Julia. I just wanted you to know that I really found you boring and I could NOT understand why you didn’t like me. I’m ME! Julia Allison! Look at my cleavage and YSL heels and Chanel bag! I’m the Real LIfe Carrie!

    Man: (hangs up, calls police)

    • Jacy says:

      Beautiful. A work-of-art comment.

    • Ha Ha Ha 🙂 Nice comment.

      I can just hear the Loren Feldman puppet voice saying, ” Hey! It’s me Julia. I just wanted you to know that I really found you boring and I could NOT understand why you didn’t like me. I’m ME! Julia Allison! Look at my cleavage and YSL heels and Chanel bag!”


      • Julia's Fat Ass says:

        Yes I borrowed heavily from him as inspiration. “Hi! I’m Julia Allison! I’m a big fucking dope!”

    • Tom says:

      A chimpanzee with a typewriter could tweet better. and typewriters don’t have intarwebz.

    • zandra says:

      well fuck me, that would just be so perfect for this web 2.0 cunt to meet the man of her dreams on a social networking site.

      and no, randy will not pay you to spruik fb as a place to meet husbands.

      wtf happened to that girl anyways?

  13. Julia's Fat Ass says:

    She has no concept of what “chemistry” between two people actually means. It’s not about Harvard pedigrees and appearance and whatever other bullshit parameters she has listed on her “Get Husband Now” list hiding in her underwear drawer. It’s INEFFABLE, Julia, INEFFABLE! It’s there, or it’s not (and I’d wager to guess NOT in the vast majority of cases when a man hears her cackle.

    Really? She’s a “dating expert” and she doesn’t get this yet? I can’t anymore with her. I want to beat her up.

  14. Jacy says:


    “Get Husband Now” list.

    You are on fire!

  15. Ehehehe says:

    I’m sorry guys! I’m confused!! But which one is she claiming to have captured & enslaved as her boyfriend?

    • Jacy says:

      Some creepy FB e-mailer in California. Three years they’ve been FB-messaging. Nope, nothing weird there.

      • Tom says:

        That’s not weird. That’s how I met my Japanese AIM girlfriend. Someday we’ll be together Sakura-chan.

      • Sausage Snappers says:

        Do we know that for sure? I may have missed some breadcrumbs along the way.

      • Jacy says:

        Sadly, yes. We followed the Twitter spewings. She told someone it was the FB guy from her date in California.

    • Orange Arches of Doom says:

      Here’s the path:
      JABa: “Currently testing theory: ‘When you know … you just KNOW.’ Check back in 2 months.”
      And someone tweets back:
      “@juliaallison wow that writer is that big in potential huh? ;)”
      And cuntswilla replies:
      “ha! No, actually, it’s Code Name TK, (first date in LA 2 wks ago), but we’ve been Facebook messaging for 3 years. Literally.”

  16. pink bunny wabbit says:

    Has she not watched the episode of SATC where Carrie goes to therapy and meets Jon Bon Jovi? Its where she realizes its not them (the men she’s meeting) its her.
    Also the friends turn on her for yammering on about her own life so much . She needs to watch that one a few times.

    • Tom says:

      Or like that one episode of SATC where the girls like could sort of have a conversation with the man on a date, and eventually that led to happy fun times in the sack.

      Or like that one episode of SATC where you know, they bought good looking clothes.

      Or like that one episode of SATC where some chick sort of had a relationship.

  17. sad :( says:

    FML – I hate it when I read she’s coming to Chicago. I swear the city feels cuntier when she’s in town. Guess I’ll be either be on lockdown or headed to Wisconsin.

    • Julia's Fat Ass says:

      Come on! You know she’s going to that douchbag friend’s HOTT nightclub. Go there and kick her ass for the rest of us!

    • sad :( says:

      Ha! The sad 🙁 thing is, FatAss, I know exactly where her parents live & where the Downtown Condo ZOMG!!!1! is. I see them both on the regular – and shudder. It’s not so bad, though, when I know she’s not physically there. She hangs out at most places I would never venture to go, but the more she’s around these parts, the more there’s a chance she will get a clue and start branching out more (can’t believe bitch never goes to any neighborhoods…but I’ll bet Randi will want to see some of the city and then Julia will be all “This is my home turf, biatch!”, crowing about all of it with that obnoxious, overweeining hometown pride and I will have to hire someone to cut her because she makes me so ill that she is not worth my time. A Jackles sighting would be a nightmare!

      • Julia's Fat Ass says:

        You mean she doesn’t go to the hippest parts of town? The best dive bars? The joints with the best jukeboxes? She doesn’t like cheap restaurants that serve the best Polish food? I thought she was cool in Chicago.

        I welcome a meeting with her. YOu don’t have any desire to see the she-beast in person? I really want to ask her how she manages to put on that much eyeliner. Seriously. Even when I’m trying to look whorish I can’t manage it.

      • sad :( says:

        I truly do not welcome a meeting. I find her odious, vile, narcissistic, and altogether horrid. Trust that she would not even hear a word I said, anyhow. She’d be too busy mentally ripping apart my lack of fashion flair to consider that I might warrant 30 secs of her attention.
        But I’ll flip her the bird for you if it ever happens, JFA!

      • sad :( says:

        And you’re right: Her spackling techniques are impressive. Cunt can wield a trowel.

    • prettyprettyprincess says:

      i’m sure there are a lot of awesome people in chicago, but two of the most obnoxious people i know (JA excluded) grew up in wilmette, and one of those went to new trier (JA’s high school). they’re both loud, narcissistic asshole types, and at times remind me a little too much of julia.
      people who know the area, can you tell me – is that suburb some freakish breeding ground for douches?

  18. Julia's Fat Ass says:

    Her hair is really sexy in that slanket photo. Not at all dry and hag-like. Nothing like a cunt in a slanket. Delicious!

  19. Sausage Snappers says:

    Jackles-ass. BRILLIANT. Was rolling after the first two sentences. <3

  20. pink bunny wabbit says:

    Just doing some faux-ga in my authenticity costume and thinking about my avant garde digital venture -having conversations(with myself)

    • Julia's Fat Ass says:

      Don’t twist your paradigm.

      • Dyspeptic2 says:

        My paradigm got twisted so long ago I can barely remember what life was like back then…pre Julia Allison, pre NonSociety, pre cosmic-level annoyance that somehow kept me perversely entertained. Was I happier then? I wonder.

      • melissa0sue00rbns says:

        Dys, you’d better get some acupuncture to straighten that shit out. How did you live without it?

  21. AVOCADOS! says:

    Does this woman ever learn or experience any shame? My goodness, she needs to get a fucking life.

  22. gb2hell says:

    @JuliasBrain is killing it on Twitter tonite!!

    • sad :( says:

      Oh, that @Juliasbrain was written by comedy writer. Did I mention he’s a Jew?

    • WTH? says:

      I love this one (from @juliasbrain)

      “Busiest week EVAH!! So freaking tired. Shopping, salon appt., date, one meeting and two 10-minute spots. Plus picture blogging. Exhausted!!”

  23. Reality Stripe says:

    Bitch wants to name her bike “Muffin.” She can’t stop thinking about eating baked goods and/or MUFF for one solitary second.

    • Julia's Fat Ass says:

      I think she’s trying to be cute. She’s failing, mind you. But she’s TRYING. Gotta give her that.

      It’s just amazing to me that she doesn’t realize any of that muffin/cupcake/pink dress/little white dog/make up coming out the asshole doesn’t automatically shrivel random nutsacks. I’m still convinced the only men who find her attractive are trannies. And even they don’t want to fuck her. THey just admire her falsies.

      • Ginger Sans Pelts says:

        I honestly think men find stuff like that pretty creepy. There is a big difference between “feminine” and “infantile” (someone tell JA, please). Not to mention being totally obsessed!!! with pink, cupcakes and ponies stops being cute at… oh… the age of 16?

        Honestly, do you know any 30 year old men who would want to have sex with a pink tutu princess in a pretty pink palace on pink monogrammed pillows? I mean, other than pedos.

      • Mark Zito Is A Guido says:

        Right now, the only guys really interested in dating her are deep closet cases who aren’t anymore interested in (hetero) sex than she is.

    • tam says:

      Muffin, Poodles, Cupcake, Gladys, Eleanor, Sprinkle – is she naming her bike or her vagina? It’s gag-inducing either way.

      • Where's Megan's Beach Bike? says:

        Here are my suggestions:

        The Wobbler
        Too Many Meals on Wheels

      • KG says:

        Too Many Meals on Wheels is perhaps the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

      • The Manta says:

        If she ever uses the thing in NY it’s name will be Traffic Fatality Statistic.

      • Where's Megan's Beach Bike? says:

        Manta, in true Baugher fashion, I ripped off your idea and tweeted it to Jackles. Your check is in the mail.

      • What Julia REALLY thinks says:

        Too Many Meals on Wheels FTW!

      • Dyspeptic2 says:

        Collapsinator is pretty fine, too….it’s like the metaphor of doom for NonSociety and its Black Hole of a “founder.” Julia Allison, Internet Collapsinator. There’s a chyron for ya.

  24. Dyspeptic2 says:

    There is something fishy about these tweets. (Not that that’s a surprise in Pink Petal Ponyland.) Is not Jewish (Comedy) Writer the swain with whom Julia Allison “made out” (tee hee) on every street corner a couple of weeks ago? If so, how could there have been no chemistry and a “boring” second date? I just ask.

    • Jacy says:

      Perhaps she made up the curbside makeout session, another reason he was weirded out.

      • Julia's Fat Ass says:

        Oh god, can you imagine kissing the gaping maw? Can she honestly shut the fuck up long enough to makeout with someone? If he starts running his fingers through her hair does she reflexively pull away lest he ruin the sausage curls? So many questions, so little giving a shit.

      • What Julia REALLY thinks says:

        Or he may have realized how much of the JA face spackle would end up on him …

        Seriously, with how much product she piles on her face everyday, would any guy want to make out with her more than once?

      • panty thief says:

        Can you imagine getting your fingers caught in the clip in pelt? EWWWWWW

  25. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Or was, as seems likely, date no. 2 (in the West Village, tee hee) only boring and chemistry-free in retrospect, after Mr. Jewish Comedy Writer guy blew Julia Allison off?

    • Reality Stripe says:

      She seems to have given up drinking (yeah, right), so that could explain the sudden boredom and lack of chemistry.

      Or maybe Comedy Writer wasn’t too excited about her LA trip where she dated her long-time flirtation on FB (even the waiter could see the chemistry!) and then stayed with an ex (where she tweet-implied that she was in his bed!) Kinda hard to rekindle the red-hot excitement of the first night, with all that going on between dates.

    • Where's Megan's Beach Bike? says:

      It was the curse of the dreaded pink beach bike! Those things are bad luck!!

  26. HLS guy says:

    Translation — OMG the Harvard boy I was destined to marry totally hasn’t shown any interest after what I thought was an amazing date — who wouldn’t just love being blessed by my presence! Hmm, he didn’t even call after I tweeted about my pretend boyfriend, and I know he follows me… I just must find a way to resume contact with him… I know I’ll pretend I had a terrible time and was totally not interested and I was just calling him to satisfy my curiosity about whether he felt the same. Even better, I’ll tweet this for the whole world to see first! I am totally not random — I have a show on NBC!

    • Dyspeptic2 says:

      bingo. Let’s see, they had date no. 2 “in the West Village” last Saturday night, and by Friday he hadn’t called, so Prettyprettyprincess Julia Allison had to take action/save face/stir the pot. That sounds about right.

      • Where's Megan's Beach Bike? says:

        One wonders why she didn’t notice his boredom/awkwardness DURING the date.

    • Julia's Fat Ass says:

      Guys don’t forget she has a boyfriend now, Code Name TK!!! She doesn’t give a shit about these stupid man-whores anymore. Until next week when CODE NAME TK!!! magically vanishes from mention on her twatter feed and suddenly she’s going on “blind dates” again (obviously inventory for douchay dating services). SO BLESSED!!!!!!

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