Julia: Shut The Fuck Up

About to start my essay for Erica Jong’s anthology “The Best Sex I Ever Had.” Narrowed it down to 3 occasions, can’t choose 1. This is hard!

Of course, I sure as hell remember the worst sex I ever had. *shudder* It was like a bad Judd Apatow movie.

I mean, can you really recall – off the top of your head – the “BEST” sex you ever had? Right now, quick! See? Not so easy.

Staying with my old college boyfriend, James, while in LA. Haven’t seen him in 4.5 years, but just got off the phone w him and … wow.

Sometimes chemistry never goes away. πŸ˜‰

College boyfriend just texted me “I feel like this is something out of a movie.” HAHAH That was EXACTLY what I was thinking!

Sweet mother of FUCK. Who Tweets this shit??

Whatsamatter, Jules, did your (possibly manufactured) “OMG OMG I just had an out-of-body experience I am so grateful and I love you all!!!” new Harvard Jewish writer boyfriend freak the fuck out when he read your Twitter and so now you’re going to suggest you might be heading to L.A. for a week to get banged?

I mean, seriously, what’s the game this time? It could be anything at this point.

If any of our loyal readers happen to know who “James” is, please be sure to point out that minutes after he hung up the phone, Jackles was Tweeting to the world that he was hot for her. Is this the poor fucker who was engaged to her for awhile? I’ve lost track of all these dumb fools who made the mistake of involving themselves with this barking mad demento princess.

And as for the sex, sweet Jesus, it’s not that difficult. Pick three, try to recall the intensity of the orgasm — that is if you’ve ever had one that didn’t involve gazing into your laptop at images of yourself, you sick twat — choose the most memorable and write it the fuck down. Then hit motherfucking “send.”

Sorry to be so profane tonight. Sometimes she really grates on my last nerve.

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74 Responses to Julia: Shut The Fuck Up

  1. juliaspublicist says:

    I’m sorry, if you can’t immediately think of the best sex you ever had, you haven’t ever had great sex.

    Here you go: Colombian interior designer bent over a chair. That was easy.

    • Jacy says:

      Bingo. College roommate’s older brother as he lifted me up against a wall after ripping my lingerie off and going down on me for 20 minutes. Hello.

    • My best sex ever was a threesome with boyfriend and hot guy we met on CL. Whooo baby! πŸ™‚

    • Oh, and speaking of… we can add “have a threesome” on JA’s list of things she’s brayed about but never followed through on. Anyone else remember when that was her new year’s resolution?

    • x says:

      Reuniting with an ex after four hours of foreplay, four hours of sleeping in different rooms, then finally giving in and having him bend me over a dresser.

      Don’t have to think about it for a second.

    • Sausage Snappers says:

      Canadian hockey player thrown around on his air mattress. We broke it.

      <3

  2. sodumb says:

    yeah, seriously? italian guy in the basement of my parents’ house (mansion, NOT A CONDO Y’ALL!) she hasn’t had three experiences while struggling to choose one (um, not that hard); more like she hasn’t had ANY and is making up the three to delay her submission to make it out to be the best sex written in the anthology (also the most invented). FAIL. “best sex” is memorable, period.

  3. Anony says:

    I imagine a tape set to spew out a giggled compliment every 30 seconds (you’re so funny, you’re too pretty everyone is jelaous, omg you are too unique for Earth) would be Ms. Allisons idea of chemistry.

    She’s like a 13 year old girl, except I want to smack her senseless.

    • juliaspublicist says:

      Seriously, what sort of ROM COM does she think she lives in?

      • zandra says:

        27 DRESSES!!!

        desperate bitch who watches everyone else get married though obvs she doesn’t get the happy ending.

    • Jacy says:

      Oh God that’s funny. Maybe that’s what she needs when she’s having sex.
      A recording that just repeats the following, over and over again: “You are a hot piece of ass. You are so skinny and hot. You are too unique for this Earth. Oh my God you’re sexy.” With elongating mirrors everywhere.

      “She’s like a 13 year old girl, except I want to smack her senseless.” Classic.

  4. watwatwat says:

    I think you ladies work too hard. Take a week off from reblogging her insanity and I’m sure that will be more devastating (to her ego, nonsociety.com traffic, and her interestingness) than any on this world.

  5. sad :( says:

    I hate “hahah”, the cunty little dropped -a.
    (Jordache got a full “hahaha”. High five to that, sister girlfriend! Wink, squeal, roll around on my PB teen canopy bed)

  6. sad :( says:

    And I could’t narrow down the best sex.

    I feel so blessed.

    • Jacy says:

      To tell you the truth, there are a couple of isolated ones with random hotties but truly the best sex has been almost exclusively with one person for many years. So, you know, I’d either write about that or choose one of the random hottie episodes!

      So. Blessed!

    • WTF??? says:

      Sing it, sister!

      Also, thanks to those commenters above who shared their best sex moments with all of us. Just hearing yours evoked memories of cars (all seats and bent over the hood), hotel rooms, blankets, beached boats, kitchen floors, firesides, couches and lawns…..

      Sorry,Jaba. Your idea that great sex is impossible to know is pathetic and, well, sad. πŸ™

  7. Foxhole says:

    Which one is James again? The one she dated in Ecuador? The crazy trust-fund guy? I’m sure he’s allll over her blog. She’s really a special ed student.

    • BunnyBingo says:

      James Fay – the son of one of the richest men in New Zealand. Julia wrote on her blerg about his heavy drinking and had fisticuffs with his sister after she stole his credit card.

      • Dyspeptic2 says:

        OMG! The sister! The credit card! The fisticuffs. Memory lane, bunnies. So effing hot.

      • zandra says:

        a new zealander who is a heavy drinker?

        hello?! what did this bitch expect.. i’m aussie and everyone in this geographic region are pisspots.

        she is such a dense cunt.

      • partypants says:

        I will be booking my trip to Pisspot Paradise. Save an average looking man for me to marry!

      • narcissistheadband says:

        lol, i’m with you partypants! Heading over to travelocity right now.

  8. flatface says:

    um, also, whatz up with these “shoots”? like the library and this and others recently? whar could possibly be the idea about NOT telling her readers what they’re for? that they’re for nothing? practice for novice cameramen?

    • juliajane says:

      I think they’re for her portfolio. Something to show perspective employers.

      In Julia’s world, perception is EVERYTHING.

    • WTF??? says:

      Julia does not have readers.

      Also, the shoes are fakes. There is no fan.

      Lonely, delusional Julia…..

  9. Foxhole says:

    Shhhh. No one asked your opinion. I cannot believe she goes on Gawker to say this to people.

  10. juliajane says:

    Is anyone here a psychiatrist or psychologist, or friends with one? I would love a professional analysis of Julia’s blog and twitter. There is something seriously wrong with her.

  11. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Julia may be too embarrassed to reveal what turns her on. Or maybe nothing besides the camera-dildo gets her hot. Anyway, she’ll turn in a phony piece that reads like dopey teen porn lifted from movies and magazines.

  12. zandra says:

    her best sex was with that vibrator she’s so effin’ in love with

    • melissa0sue00rbns says:

      that might actually make for an interesting essay if she weren’t afraid to admit that her best sex was with herself.

  13. Orange Arches of Doom says:

    She tries to get empahty for how hard it is to choose by challenging her twitterville to right now, off the top of their heads, name the best sex they ever had. (Which many can do, no hesitation).
    Meanwhile, she first mentioned/bragged about this essay months ago.
    Still can’t decide Julia?
    Jaysus.
    Then just do the usual. Ignore the parameters of the sumbission, ramble on for twice the requested length, and let the editors figure it out.

    • little birdies dress me says:

      Not only did she mention this article months ago, but I seem to recall the same tweet about it not being so easy to remember the best sex you have. I remember because at the time I thought “how could you NOT remember”. I know it was a while ago because I have unfollowed her in the last month. Now I just read about some of her tweets here.

  14. the gaping maw says:

    dollars to donuts says she writes something like the best sex hasn’t happened yet because that would mean she was through “living” or some such nonsense.

    • Orange Arches of Doom says:

      … or she’s saving the best sex for her husband! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    • What Julia REALLY thinks says:

      Yup … that was my prediction when she first mentioned the article.

      Although, I think she’ll give three total cliches to lead up to her final answer. Undoubtably, she’ll mention that guy who brought her five dresses from Saks Fifth Avenue, wrapped them individually, and had her pick one. She’ll bring up her first time, just because that’s something like Charlotte York will do. And Julia will talk about her first time with a one-night stand, and how she realized she couldn’t do non committal sex.

      So freaking cliche.

      • Jacy says:

        Also, did she not just say on that radio show that she was HAVING the best sex of her life right now? So what’s the fucking holdup? Oh right … we’re not sure she’s not making BootyCall guy up.

  15. bettedavis says:

    I sense she won’t reveal her darker sexual side. I’ve known more than one girlish prude whose fantasies include domination and bondage. I am willing to bet based on some of her posts in the past that our Julia’s a bit of a sadomasicist. She would never admit that, but it would be a lot more interesting than an essay about the guy who made sweet gentle love to her on her pink ruffled canopy bed. snore

  16. partypants says:

    Geez Julia, just do what I’m doing – throw back a bottle of white zin, pick the least mediocre sex you ever had, write it up, sob quietly to yourself with another bottle, pass out in bed alone.

    Done and DONE.

  17. partypants says:

    Geez Julia, just do what I’m doing – throw back a bottle of white zin, pick the least mediocre sex you ever had, write it up, sob quietly to yourself with another bottle, pass out in bed alone.

    Done and DONE.
    BTW I love your blog!

  18. shamoolia says:

    I like how she brags as if her essay appearing in the anthology is a sealed deal. They are probably taking tons of submissions. Um, Julia dearie? That essay will never see the light of day.

  19. The Manta says:

    The best sex she had was when she put her new YSL shoes on.

  20. Tiny World says:

    Is anyone else bothered by the fact that Julia lives in one of the best cities in the world yet only goes to places that are typically within a five-block radius of her apartment? Especially when that apartment is in freakin’ tourist-heavy midtown? Doesn’t she ever want to head down to the village or up to the upper west to have brunch instead of on 53rd all the damn time? Has she ever even been above 59th?

    • Tiny World says:

      Also, meant to preface that comment with “I know this is off-topic but…” since I was just reading her entry about brunch.

    • narcissistheadband says:

      how about some of the wonderful neighborhoods in queens or brooklyn?!?! a true NY-er knows how to cross a damned bridge. not princess julia….

      • partypants says:

        To be fair I think there are other people who sort of stick to their neighborhoods, or maybe a one or two mile radius. I know I don’t go outside my snooty area bubble. But of course that’s because going to east Cleveland is like driving through the set of Beyond the Thunderdome.

      • Tiny World says:

        Brooklyn or Queens can be tough, but I mean really almost every restaurant she mentions is right in midtown. And that just seems so weird to me because, as someone who works in midtown, I cannot imagine always choosing to eat here unless I am in the area and hungry. This is going to sound insufferable and New York-y but midtown is kind of devoid of neighborhood-ness. It’s not like LES or Morningside or any area that has a distinct feel to it. It mostly feels like nondescript tourist land. Don’t get me wrong, there are nice restaurants and I realize that going for a quick bite where you live is usually the easiest, but I don’t understand not mixing it up more. And Julia is way more of a “about-the-town” lady, or at least way more than I am.

    • shamoolia says:

      She is a backwoods hick who believes New York is her own personal SATC set. Sort of sad, really.

  21. She's just stupid says:

    Isn’t Mary in L.A.? Why isn’t she staying with her?

    • partypants says:

      Because Mary doesn’t have her own place. She is squatting on her sister Leven.

      • shamoolia says:

        And driving Leven around. And cooking for her. Apparently Mary’s new profession is professional leech and personal maid. Oh well. I guess at least she’s earning her keep as basically her sister’s live-in housekeeper.

      • partypants says:

        She’s turning into That Relative. The one you pretend you aren’t home for. The one you don’t answer the phone everytime, and get off as soon as decently possible because all they do is drop hints about visiting. Or they just come out for a ‘visit’ and basically fucking move in, and after a year you’re like fuck this trumpet, and just go find a new place and leave them in your old apartment and pray they got the idea.

        Yeah, I have a relative like that.

      • justjane says:

        Topic first: Ha…Julia should write about her S&M relationship with Mary. I could see Mary decked out in black electrical tape lashing julia with a scarf that she ‘pulled’ for julia.

        Judging by Leven’s tweets of how the place is almost “too good” for them it seems like Real Estate Rambin stepped in to get the abode for the daughters. He wouldn’t help Mary get in a place in NY as evidenced by the fact when she ran out of people to squat on she had to go to the family house in New Canaan. Does sound like Mary’s ‘home’ is predicated on her babysitting duties!

        Besides, Julia’s video w/Feldman was prophetic….the ladies are still keeping most of the country between them, Mary flew east yesterday and Julia is flying west.

        Lastly, Mary’s site is devoid of comments since she threatened to censor them.

        Carry on!

      • wonkeye says:

        She’s Leven’s Johnny Drama, except less employed. Maybe she’s more Turtle.

      • shamoolia says:

        At least Drama had Viking Quest. Mary is a never has been and a never will be. It will be hilarious to watch her flounder around aimlessly in LA while her sister, you know, WORKS.

      • melissa sue says:

        Maybe Leven hired Mary as her assistant! Although I’m not sure why Leven would need an assistant. Is she even working anymore?

  22. partypants says:

    Oh holy ponufucks. Check out her latest entry on NS. Yet another ‘normal people’ blah blah blah quote. ugh she’s so boring!

  23. awkward.com says:

    Who wants to place bets on the fact that Jankles knows nothing about Erica Jong or her literary background? And if Erica Jong knew anything about Jankles, which she obviously doesn’t because why would she, she wouldn’t even be allowed to submit anything for a project Erica Jong is working on. I guarantee Jankles has never read any of Jong’s books. Maybe she should, she might learn something.

    • narcissistheadband says:

      no, she would not appreciate anything jong has to say about sex, feminism or womanhood, or even the history that jong gets into in some of her books. she has probably heard enough about “fear of flying” to pretend that she read it, but that is where it ends.

    • What Julia REALLY thinks says:

      The submission request was probably sent to a bunch of lit agents – Julia’s lit agent suggested to Julia, who in turn, like everything else that has ever come her way, totally blew it out of proportion.

  24. Gwyneth's Inner Aspect says:

    minor point of annoyance, but I hate how the HAHAH was about the amaaaaazingly hilarious thing that they were both incredibly thinking! I mean, it was such a unique and brilliant observation! Is obviously fate that they were both thinking “this is like a movie.”

    The most banal thought that the most boring people apply to every situation.

  25. Noncomplimentary Grapefruit says:

    College boyfriend just texted me β€œI feel like this is something out of a movie…a horror movie. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

    Fixed it!

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