Julia: A Trip Down Memory Lane

Here’s a little glimpse into Planet Julia from a column she wrote in October 2005 about how she’s been winning over her boyfriends’ relatives — NOT — since she started dating. You’ll notice she makes reference to the sister of poor James Fay, the wealthy fool whose house she’s staying at in L.A. later this week. Funny she doesn’t mention why the fistfight happened — it was when she swiped his credit card after he dumped her and started running it up with expensive purchases. Classy!

Almost as classy as her behavior a few years later, when she contacted  another close family member to let them know their beloved relative was insane. Why, you might ask? Because he had the gall to break up with her, and clearly wasn’t raised correctly.

Anyway, feast your eyes ….

Dealing With Your Honey’s Family

DEALING WITH YOUR HONEY’S FAMILY
AM NEW YORK – “THE DATING LIFE”
OCTOBER 10, 2005
BY JULIA ALLISON
I’m not sure what it says about me, but I’ve been having problems with the relatives of guys I date since I was 16 years old.

My first love’s parents banned me from their house. My college boyfriend’s sister and I actually had a fistfight. And the last guy I dated had a brother who just wouldn’t warm up to me – his allegiance lay with my guy’s ex-wife.

Unlike Jennifer Aniston – who apparently maintains a better relationship with Brad Pitt’s mother than Pitt himself – I’ve come to believe my boyfriends’ families have small parties when we break up, ecstatic that they will never again have to see me and/or worry about me marrying their wayward sons.

Of course, I’m not alone with this problem; families have been making dating life difficult for centuries. His mother hates you, your father hates him, your cousin got drunk, slept with his brother, declared him to be “tinier than Tom Cruise” and now Thanksgiving is beyond awkward.

So what does one do in these situations?

“Start saving for therapy,” says my mother, who knows whereof she speaks. She and her mother-in-law have waged cold war since the 1970s. “Or just laugh, because there isn’t a single piece of advice that’s fool proof.”

It may be too late for her, but it isn’t necessarily for you. Of course, the easiest way to ingratiate your partner’s family to you, (or to warm up your parents to your new partner) is by not screwing it up in the first place.

Bad first impressions are extremely difficult to get over, so start off with a calmer, gentler, less, ah, controversial version of yourself. Preparation makes all the difference – go over everything you should absolutely not mention in their presence, from Ann Coulter to your fervent hatred for creationism, uh, intelligent design.

And whatever you do, watch the alcohol consumption. One too many glasses of Pinot Noir can turn the most well-intentioned first meeting into a memorable series of humiliating gaffes.

If you’re already stuck with relatives whose cup doesn’t runneth over with love for your partner, try to dissuade them in any way you can – logic, persuasion, cash bribes – but realize what you’re up against. Families are medal contenders in the international Olympic sport of grudge-holding.

Or–don’t make the relationship permanent. That seems to be the advice celebutante couple Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis took recently. The identically monikered twosome’s engagement was recently derailed, supposedly by less-than-enthusiastic future in-laws.

And if nothing else works, remind your parents that it could be much, much worse. At least you haven’t married Kevin Federline. Yet.

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31 Responses to Julia: A Trip Down Memory Lane

  1. She's just stupid says:

    Wow, her nose is huge.

  2. shamoolia says:

    I see the kissy face, tacky nails, cheesy cheap clothing and and “OMG I have a gadget therefore I am cool and hip” were prominent even back then. Some things never change. (but in the case of the face and hair, they only get worse)

  3. Not a Georgetown Grad says:

    “Of course, the easiest way to ingratiate your partner’s family to you…”

    I don’t think that’s how you use the word “ingratiate.” Shouldn’t it be “ingratiate yourself with your partner’s family”?

  4. Jacy says:

    Yes, you ingratiate yourself. Or else, you know, you’re just a normal, kind, humble and gracious person and you don’t have to work at “ingratiating” yourself at all.

  5. partypants says:

    I’d like to ingratiate my bb gun to her behind.

  6. for serious??? says:

    Hold on a second!

    isn’t there a TMI on how to dress, manipulate and otherwise lie your way through meeting the parents? I hate myself for knowing this, but isn’t there?

    • shamoolia says:

      Yes, there is. I hate myself for knowing that, too. It was basically “don’t dress like your normal slutty self and dress like a frump so his grandma won’t think you’re the slutty hussy that you really are.”

      Julia’s “advice” is all about lying, deceit and manipulation. No wonder she’s such a failure at life. If all of this – her public persona – is her “front” I’d hate to see what she’s really like. Shudder.

      • WTH? says:

        “Julia’s “advice” is all about lying, deceit and manipulation.”

        So true. Basically all her comments and advice boil down to “Be dishonest, misrepresent yourself, and don’t let the real you show till you’ve tricked someone into liking you first. Then ‘let yourself go’ by being the unlikable person you really are and hope it’s too late for the people in your life you’ve decieved to run away screaming.” Same idea she spouted on MTV, and over the years in numerous columns, blog posts, TMIs, etc.

        It’s funny but she must obviously realize how repulsive she is to so many that her advice repeatedly calls for altering personality traits and coming across as different than you really are in order to be liked. Too bad she doesn’t get that the real answer is in actually changing those unappealing traits instead of trying to mask them tempororarily.

      • narcissistheadband says:

        it’s like the advice she gave on MTV: how to fool somebody into thinking that you are not crazy and/or unlikeable.

      • narcissistheadband says:

        oops, sorry WTH? I got so excited that I commented without reading through all the comments. You said it much better than I!

  7. partypants says:

    I heard in New Zealand you don’t have to watch the alcohol when you meet the parents.

    • shamoolia says:

      Next week, while Julia is staying with the Kiwi ex, she will tell us about this new show called Flight of the Conchords that she just discovered. “Am I the only one that thinks they are soooo funny????” or “Am I the only one who wants to slap Jemaine for being soooo dumb? OMG bunnies, like why is he so dumb!!!”

      • partypants says:

        Am I the only one who thinks Brett is Sooooooo hot? Am I the only one offended by the racist jokes? Am I the only one who thinks NZ needs to LET. GO. of the LOTR pride? Am I the only one with some kind of prickly heat on her taint? Am I the only one who doesn’t get that Nice n Easy Light Auburn and a naugahyde jacket makes me look like one of those whores who arranges ‘dates’ on a cb radio? Am I???

      • juliaspublicist says:

        Seriously, her Phoenix tweet last night pissed me off.

      • Jacy says:

        “Should I be worried that I find Murray attractive?”

        “Should I be worried that Mo’s stalking is really similar to my own behavior re: Kevin Rose?”

  8. Ooh Old Nose makes an appearance!

    • anony says:

      That thing is huge, right? Like the kind of nose that blends into your eyes it is so large.

      • sapphos says:

        ugh her nose is *not* huge. its a nice size.

        calling it huge and railing on it just validates her nose job.

  9. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Nutsy is posting wedding photos again. And one “idea” for an upcoming TMI is “tools for dating long distance”. Another is “living together before your [sic] married.” Not hard to see where this is going. Old boyfriend with big bucks in LA. She’ll let him win her back! Yes she will, peoples! But our heroine will discover the ex gets more ass than a swing set and even the maid is better looking than she is. Then it’s back to posting photos from the slut shoot.

  10. partypants says:

    Does anyone else kind of home his sister drops by with a bottle of wine and fucking cold cocks Jowly in the face? I mean, full on, fight scene in the south pacific bar in Airplane! kind of brawl. Please please please

  11. anony says:

    You don’t know what is says about you? That everyone person you’ve met who you weren’t screwing (or would soon potentially be screwin)g has hated you?!? It says that you are a fucking crazy ass repulsive moron, hun. That is what is says.

  12. Good Thoughts says:

    “I’m not sure what it says about me, but I’ve been having problems with the relatives of guys I date since I was 16 years old.”

    This is just so telling. If she would really make some effort to examine “what it says about [her]” instead of using the phrase as a mere rhetorical device, she might be on her way to gaining some self-knowledge and growing as a person. But she is incapable of this.

    She is just so profoundly dumb. Gee, all of my boyfriends’ families have hated me; wonder why? No one else wonders, Julia. Strange.

  13. Good Thoughts says:

    (sorry if this posts twice; doesn’t seem to be showing up after i submitted)

    “I’m not sure what it says about me, but I’ve been having problems with the relatives of guys I date since I was 16 years old.”

    This is just so telling. If she would really make some effort to examine “what it says about [her]” instead of using the phrase as a mere rhetorical device, she might be on her way to gaining some self-knowledge and growing as a person. But she is incapable of this.

    She is just so profoundly dumb. Gee, all of my boyfriends’ families have hated me; wonder why? No one else wonders, Julia. Strange.

    • partypants says:

      To me this comes across as another one of her “Gosh I’m just so quirky and unique, no one understands me, I am the only person on earth with a trail of people who hate my guts! I just don’t get it! But oh well, it’s because I’m so different I guess!” trite statements.

  14. David Lynch says:

    Anyone got the skinny about why her high school beau’s (Cancer Dan?) parents banned her from their home? I’d love to hear that one.

    • BunnyBingo says:

      ” My introduction to the not-so-fun world of Reverse Gender Meet the Fockers began with my first “serious” boyfriend’s parents. They hated my religion (not Jewish) and frequent flouting of curfew, but mostly they hated that I was having sex with their baby.

      Upon intercepting a triple XXX care package I had sent to his home (as a joke, I swear!), his parents responded with various futile attempts to curtail our discovery channel antics. When directives to “keep the bedroom door open at all times” didn’t stop us from closing it and promptly getting naked, his mother made the mistake of opening said door, interrupting us mid-coitus. No doubt scarred by the sight of her son’s bare butt, she barred me from returning to their home.

      Of course, that’s what the backseats of cars are for.”

      http://www.juliaallison.com/articles/2007/01/when_his_family_hates_you.html

      • partypants says:

        Um, so basically she’s not Jewish?

      • Sausage Snappers says:

        The disrespect Julia has for other people shines through here. Respect your man’s mother’s wishes, you fucking bitch!

      • little birdies dress me says:

        Wow. I had a boyfriend whose parents would not let us shut the door or even lay down on the bed together. Of course I was 15. Anyway, I NEVER would have thought to not only shut the door, but have sex right there with them in the house. WTF is THAT?

      • narcissistheadband says:

        no kidding! it probably wasn’t so much the sex that bothered them, it was that this teen bitch was basically telling them to go fuck themselves on a daily basis.

      • wish I didn't know her says:

        I bet it WAS the sex that was bothering them. Namely, she could get pregnant, have his baby, and then she would be in their lives FOREVER. Try to imagine what that would be like.

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