Julia Allison: Sparse Writer, Perfect Medium

So Julia’s literary agent (ha!) apparently asked if Julia wanted to contribute to the next six-word memoirs book.

This is perfect for everyone’s favorite wide-mouthed muppet, considering she is utterly incapable of stringing more than 10 words together on most posts (if any at all).

The concept, if you are unfamiliar, is fairly self-explainable: simply write your life story in six words.

She posted a Facebook video of her reading an email from her agent and surmising what her six-word memoir would be. Of course, Pulitzer Prize-winning  journalist Julia Allison, who was on the short-list for the Booker Prize last year, failed to come up with six measly words to summarize her sad, lonely, yet highly-documented existence. Then she posted this gem to her real-time-memoir NonSociety:

“Carrie Bradshaw bought laptop, started blog.”

She is totally treating this like a gig. After all, the editors of this series would be honored for her well thought out contribution. She’s in demand! She goes to meetings! She takes field trips to PR agencies! SHE’S FUCKING JULIA ALLISON, PEOPLE!

Too bad Julia fails to mention that ANYONE can submit their memoir for inclusion in the book.

So what say you, readers? Are you up for some interactivity? Post your best six-word memoirs for Our Lady of Cankles and Corn in the comments and we’ll highlight the best ones!

197 COMMENTS

  1. I came, I saw, I lied.

    She’s not exactly doing Carrie Bradshaw one better. Carrie already used a laptop on SATC, the show/movie which was a visual representation of her daily life, or vlog, if you will. So, actually, Carrie already did Julia Allison one better.

    Jabbers, you stupid twat, enjoy this link to Carrie’s laptop:

    http://www.sexandthecitymovie.com/macbook/

  2. it’s always about me, not you.

    who’s my best friend this week?

    hope momsers keeps funding my failure.

    braying makes people listen harder, right?

  3. Had job, home, life; now nothing.

    Oh wait! That’s Milo’s, Carr’s, and Rambin’s six-word memoir.

  4. Wrongly thought exception could be made.

    An endless search for a loophole.

    Hated by internet; loved by self.

    I’m pretty; everything should be free.

  5. Here I am, World. Now gimme.

    Legs never open, mouth never closes.

    My imaginary tiara goes with everything.

  6. Hid my light under a bushel.

    Couldn’t find the road less traveled.

    Full skirts hiding multitudes of sins.

    Peter Pan had the right idea.

  7. Shunned diet, exercise. Embraced cupcakes, tutus.

    My scrapbook proves that I’m somebody.

    Memories erased; more space for pictures.

  8. Wow, that video. I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of “dead eyes” than that. Is she heavily medicated?

    • didn’t Yulia lose Mega’s harddrive on the subway last year? Or was that the other way around? I’m sure she must have at least taken the subway ONCE.

      But never when we worked together.

      • I think she did take it, because she made some big damn deal out of it. Like…she blogged about how she’s so new york now because she’s taking a subway.

        Or am I confusing her with Hamily again? Ugh too many spoiled brat blogs to keep up with.

      • I believe it was Mary who “accidentally” left JA’s hard drive on the subway — it was filled with unbacked-up pictures…heh. I seem to remember an early video where they discussed it.

      • No, it was Meghan who lost Julia’s hard drive. And I think it was just a stunt. There were a few days of sobbing “OMG I lost my whole life” thing, then nothing. And she still has every single one of her old pictures, they have come up time and again. So WTF?!?!?

  9. 1) Wow. Just wow! Xoxo, ineffable bunnies!

    2) Living vicariously through former debate partners.

    3) Dan’s getting chemo. LOVE my chaise!

  10. I can’t remember… did Gloria Steinem or someone ask her to contribute to an anthology? It caused a big uproar here… whatever happened to that?

    • Wasn’t that Erica Jong? Something about the best sex people ever had? She promptly passed the question on to the internet. Not sure, it’s all blurry. As I said back then, I will only believe that it is really happening when said anthology is printed and has Momser’s and Daddy Warbucks’ biggest disappointment in the TOC.

    • 4) Trying desperately to be famous, failing.
      5) I am entitled to everything, always.
      6) Did you say Yale? Marry me!
      7) Did you say Harvard? Marry me!
      8) Did you say Princeton? Marry me!

    • 9) Don’t care that I’m single, REALLY.
      10) Insert name drop here. And here.
      11) My haters are fat and ugly.

  11. um, that video on her site where she talks about the six-word thing? girlfriend looks CRAZY poofy.

  12. At least I have good credit.
    I make your hair look good.
    Excuse you, but I’m still talking.
    Got a minute? Good. Validate me.
    I shit rainbows. YES I DO!!!
    Did I mention my parents’ condo?

  13. Oh lordy, I’m absolutely cackling over these scathingly funny comments. When somebody posts three in a row, it’s like a Jankles haiku. Don’t stop, ya’ll, this is hilarious!

  14. Photo-ops for no reason rock, yo!
    Restraining order? He still loves me!
    Sloppy third base, eleven dates, : )
    The past never dies, exes beware!

  15. Parents own a downtown Chicago condo!
    Another international tech conference to crash!
    Don’t you know who I am?
    Green vagina, poofy arms, fake hair.
    I love my pretty pink palace!
    I would NEVER have plastic surgery!
    I am SO ineffably HAPPY, yo!
    My “friendships” are really “strategic relationships.”
    New Aldo heels rock my world!
    Blogging is such hard work! Blerg!!
    Blogs about ex’es repeatedly; no love.
    I was on a WIRED cover!!!
    Live differently! Sleep until 2pm daily!!

  16. Dancer’s bun but never dancers’ buns.

    Ask me about my unwarranted self-importance.

  17. Everyone needs to have an intern!
    Return those freebies for gift cards!
    I predict intense filming…whoops, Mary!!
    Momsers and Dadsers are SO.CUTE!
    Screw CES–we prefer PORN CONVENTIONS!!!
    Late to yet another important appointment!

  18. -I’m on a BoltBus to hell.
    -Dress by DVF, legs by rickets.
    -Fuck-you money or fuck FOR money?

  19. Ate too many cupcakes, got fat.

    Have ragged red pelts, will travel.

    My cross to bear — too nice.

  20. Forget business–time for a photoshoot!
    Blueprint Cleanse and cupcake diet? No problem!
    Of course grown women can wear tutus!
    I LOVE BLACKS–mainly successful ones!!
    Gotta go! Here, take my dog!

  21. Should have married Chicago Bears quarterback.

    Fuck you money – my only dream.

    Digitally photographing my empty soul forever.

    Pink tutus cupcaked non-orgasmic hedge fund.

    Even my dog Lilly hates me.

  22. Wasted potential on lifecast. Er … oops?

    Make Me A Wife Cast Failed Miserably.

    Degree getting dusty. No content creation.

    No show. Nowhere to live. Oops. (Or maybe that’s more for Mary)

  23. Heh, I came late to this party, but there are some real gems in this thread. Thanks for the laughs, RBNS peeps!

  24. OMG, you really can group them into haikus! Indulge me:

    More pix of me; lucky you!
    A wide stance gathers no flab.
    Pink Palace life grows ever smaller.

    This is dangerously addictive. Must return to regularly scheduled workload.

  25. Every other time I have read Hemmingway’s 6 word story, I have found it moving and intriguing and kind of haunting. When Julia types it, it comes across as dull and lame. How on earth can something be bastardized by her typing the same 6 words as a master? I don’t know, but she has that skill to take gold and turn it in to dog shit.

  26. Bolt Bus bitch had it coming

    Davos, CES, Inauguration, pics of me!!

    Will fauxga for ride on jet

    …..

    wow this is really fun!!

  27. It’s worrisome you find me interesting.

    My blog’s a parody, don’t look!

    Sad, angry adults hate on me.

    Pink pillows, stained with my tears.

    (ok i need to stop, this is addictive)

    • I was gonna post earlier that you know that she is gonna try to push for a Twitter memior book deal. Your life story in 140 characters or less.

      • puh-lease. she’s having enough trouble coming up with 6 words. how is she ever going to write a string of 140 character essays that are actually meaningful in a way that makes people want to pay for them??

      • oh snapple. if she stole my tweets and published them, i would be ripping mad. is that even legal?!

  28. A Game Content Minus A Game
    Do Not Gossip Unless TMZ Calls
    Blogs Are Lame I Lifecast Bitches

  29. Putting some of it out there.

    If nobody looks, I don’t exist.

    It doesn’t take two to converse.

  30. Julia Allison: there’s no “there” there.

    Who moved my cheese? Victimhood, yay!

    My knees are in two zipcodes.

    • Web 2.0 haters: sad, angry adults

      and BTW, in our defense, I’d like to point out that being a sad, angry adult trumps being a sad, petulant child any day of the week.

      • Because we’re sad!
        We’re sad!
        We’re really, really sad!
        And the whole world has to answer right now,
        Just to tell you once again –
        Who’s sad!
        (crotch grab, thrust, spin)

  31. Haha, I tweeted to her to stop comparing herself to Carrie Bradshaw and she DM’d back like two seconds later. If she does that she much read here!

  32. Lazy Daddy’s girl flames out slowly.

    Boring uninteresting bitchy wannabe fails NYC.

    No class, no taste, meaty thighs.

    Bray for pay, this way, yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  33. Fat people matter, when I’m one.

    I love theater, buy me tickets.

    I love ballet, buy me tickets.

    I love ballet, can’t name any.

  34. You’ve all been having fun without me, RBNSers! I’m going to jump in late and join ya! BTW there are many hysterical entries above, what a creative group. Too bad about our terrible muse.

  35. Happily ensconced in my parents’ guestroom.

    Haters obsess over me. It’s worrisome.

    Expiration date looms. I lip dub.

    @agent: where’s my fuck you money?

    • Uh-oh, I’m enjoying it too – readers, should I be worried?

      It also occurs to me that Jules could really just cut a couple words out of this seminal blog entry to fashion her memoir:

      I ate corn and then fled.

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