Julia Allison: Sparse Writer, Perfect Medium

maw

So Julia’s literary agent (ha!) apparently asked if Julia wanted to contribute to the next six-word memoirs book.

This is perfect for everyone’s favorite wide-mouthed muppet, considering she is utterly incapable of stringing more than 10 words together on most posts (if any at all).

The concept, if you are unfamiliar, is fairly self-explainable: simply write your life story in six words.

She posted a Facebook video of her reading an email from her agent and surmising what her six-word memoir would be. Of course, Pulitzer Prize-winning  journalist Julia Allison, who was on the short-list for the Booker Prize last year, failed to come up with six measly words to summarize her sad, lonely, yet highly-documented existence. Then she posted this gem to her real-time-memoir NonSociety:

“Carrie Bradshaw bought laptop, started blog.”

She is totally treating this like a gig. After all, the editors of this series would be honored for her well thought out contribution. She’s in demand! She goes to meetings! She takes field trips to PR agencies! SHE’S FUCKING JULIA ALLISON, PEOPLE!

Too bad Julia fails to mention that ANYONE can submit their memoir for inclusion in the book.

So what say you, readers? Are you up for some interactivity? Post your best six-word memoirs for Our Lady of Cankles and Corn in the comments and we’ll highlight the best ones!

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197 Responses to Julia Allison: Sparse Writer, Perfect Medium

  1. juliaspublicist says:

    And I’ll start!

    “Bi-polar boyfriend. Threw under bus.”

  2. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Wasn’t Carrie, isn’t famous, just nuts.

  3. Gary Klein D.D.S. says:

    Broke, fat, failed. Back to Chicago.

    • sad :( says:

      ‘cept she’s far from broke

      • Gary Klein D.D.S. says:

        True dat. BUT if it weren’t for Momsers/Dadsers/Gramsers, she would be broke.

        And wearing those stupid black ruffled shoes every day makes her look like a broke-ass prostitution whore.

    • sad :( says:

      hee hee. Prostitution HO-AHHHH!

  4. squirrelbait says:

    I came, I saw, I lied.

    She’s not exactly doing Carrie Bradshaw one better. Carrie already used a laptop on SATC, the show/movie which was a visual representation of her daily life, or vlog, if you will. So, actually, Carrie already did Julia Allison one better.

    Jabbers, you stupid twat, enjoy this link to Carrie’s laptop:

    http://www.sexandthecitymovie.com/macbook/

  5. jubba-fat says:

    it’s always about me, not you.

    who’s my best friend this week?

    hope momsers keeps funding my failure.

    braying makes people listen harder, right?

  6. CupcakeOfDelusion says:

    liar, cupcake eater, fake, mean, fail

  7. Noncomplimentary Grapefruit says:

    Cameras let everyone enjoy my perfection.

    Faking it instead of making it.

  8. squirrelbait says:

    Writer creates fictional world; lives there.

  9. FooOnYoo says:

    Had job, home, life; now nothing.

    Oh wait! That’s Milo’s, Carr’s, and Rambin’s six-word memoir.

  10. Julia's Pickwickian Syndrome says:

    Wrongly thought exception could be made.

    An endless search for a loophole.

    Hated by internet; loved by self.

    I’m pretty; everything should be free.

  11. BunnyBingo says:

    Vain cupcake whore seeks free rent

  12. Reality Stripe says:

    Here I am, World. Now gimme.

    Legs never open, mouth never closes.

    My imaginary tiara goes with everything.

  13. Noncomplimentary Grapefruit says:

    Hid my light under a bushel.

    Couldn’t find the road less traveled.

    Full skirts hiding multitudes of sins.

    Peter Pan had the right idea.

  14. Reality Stripe says:

    Shunned diet, exercise. Embraced cupcakes, tutus.

    My scrapbook proves that I’m somebody.

    Memories erased; more space for pictures.

  15. ethel-egg says:

    Remain silent: Fool? / Speak? Remove doubt.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Wow, that video. I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of “dead eyes” than that. Is she heavily medicated?

  17. Har-Har says:

    Bought MacBook Air because ex-boyfriend wouldn’t 🙁

  18. CupcakeOfDelusion says:

    take everything, give nothing, demand more

  19. unrelated says:

    Has Julia ever taken the subway? I’d pay for proof!

    • melissa sue says:

      didn’t Yulia lose Mega’s harddrive on the subway last year? Or was that the other way around? I’m sure she must have at least taken the subway ONCE.

      But never when we worked together.

      • partypants says:

        I think she did take it, because she made some big damn deal out of it. Like…she blogged about how she’s so new york now because she’s taking a subway.

        Or am I confusing her with Hamily again? Ugh too many spoiled brat blogs to keep up with.

      • Noncomplimentary Grapefruit says:

        I believe it was Mary who “accidentally” left JA’s hard drive on the subway — it was filled with unbacked-up pictures…heh. I seem to remember an early video where they discussed it.

      • narcissistheadband says:

        No, it was Meghan who lost Julia’s hard drive. And I think it was just a stunt. There were a few days of sobbing “OMG I lost my whole life” thing, then nothing. And she still has every single one of her old pictures, they have come up time and again. So WTF?!?!?

      • melissa sue says:

        good call, headband. probably a student to get a new, free harddrive.

  20. partypants says:

    Off topic, have we heard anything Jordache lately? Did they stop hanging out after harhar dumped her ass like last month’s corn?

  21. JiveTalkin says:

    Need help but won’t admit it

  22. Sherlock says:

    Feminist am I, through men’s eyes.

  23. AnonDude says:

    Beg, lie, cheat, steal (Modus operandi).

  24. Going, going, back, back, to Wilmette, Wilmette says:

    1) Wow. Just wow! Xoxo, ineffable bunnies!

    2) Living vicariously through former debate partners.

    3) Dan’s getting chemo. LOVE my chaise!

  25. partypants says:

    Just keep sending me free shit.

  26. sad :( says:

    I am too worth eleven dates.

  27. sad :( says:

    I work hard for the granny.

  28. Dahling says:

    I can’t remember… did Gloria Steinem or someone ask her to contribute to an anthology? It caused a big uproar here… whatever happened to that?

    • ironic slanket says:

      Wasn’t that Erica Jong? Something about the best sex people ever had? She promptly passed the question on to the internet. Not sure, it’s all blurry. As I said back then, I will only believe that it is really happening when said anthology is printed and has Momser’s and Daddy Warbucks’ biggest disappointment in the TOC.

  29. Jacy says:

    But enough about you.

  30. Anonnie says:

    My advice to teens: stretch truth

  31. Going, going, back, back, to Wilmette, Wilmette says:

    Look at me, goddammit! F***ING LOOK!

  32. awkward.com says:

    1) Me me me me me me
    2) Fake hair, fake boobs, fake life.
    3) Hi rich stranger, wanna marry me?

    • awkward.com says:

      4) Trying desperately to be famous, failing.
      5) I am entitled to everything, always.
      6) Did you say Yale? Marry me!
      7) Did you say Harvard? Marry me!
      8) Did you say Princeton? Marry me!

    • awkward.com says:

      9) Don’t care that I’m single, REALLY.
      10) Insert name drop here. And here.
      11) My haters are fat and ugly.

    • sad :( says:

      golf claps all around, Awkward. Ya done good.

  33. Going, going, back, back, to Wilmette, Wilmette says:

    Where’s the bridge? I brought matches.

  34. These Ah Mah Chinz says:

    um, that video on her site where she talks about the six-word thing? girlfriend looks CRAZY poofy.

  35. partypants says:

    At least I have good credit.
    I make your hair look good.
    Excuse you, but I’m still talking.
    Got a minute? Good. Validate me.
    I shit rainbows. YES I DO!!!
    Did I mention my parents’ condo?

  36. Noncomplimentary Grapefruit says:

    Oh lordy, I’m absolutely cackling over these scathingly funny comments. When somebody posts three in a row, it’s like a Jankles haiku. Don’t stop, ya’ll, this is hilarious!

  37. lily'sspleen says:

    Lobotomized Tracy Flick fakes happiness.

  38. lily'sspleen says:

    Wait I have SIX words?:
    Lobotomized Tracy Flick fakes relevance, happiness.

  39. partypants says:

    Um er oops, what other people?
    I’m perfect. Everyone else is flawed.
    My tittays. Here they is!

  40. lily'sspleen says:

    Despair, ennui, emptiness: that is I.

  41. She will definitely plagurize this page. says:

    Photo-ops for no reason rock, yo!
    Restraining order? He still loves me!
    Sloppy third base, eleven dates, : )
    The past never dies, exes beware!

  42. Julia'sButtSweat says:

    Parents own a downtown Chicago condo!
    Another international tech conference to crash!
    Don’t you know who I am?
    Green vagina, poofy arms, fake hair.
    I love my pretty pink palace!
    I would NEVER have plastic surgery!
    I am SO ineffably HAPPY, yo!
    My “friendships” are really “strategic relationships.”
    New Aldo heels rock my world!
    Blogging is such hard work! Blerg!!
    Blogs about ex’es repeatedly; no love.
    I was on a WIRED cover!!!
    Live differently! Sleep until 2pm daily!!

  43. juliaspublicist says:

    pink, pink, pink, pink, Tutus, CUPCAKES!!!!!

  44. Noncomplimentary Grapefruit says:

    Dancer’s bun but never dancers’ buns.

    Ask me about my unwarranted self-importance.

  45. Julia'sButtSweat says:

    Everyone needs to have an intern!
    Return those freebies for gift cards!
    I predict intense filming…whoops, Mary!!
    Momsers and Dadsers are SO.CUTE!
    Screw CES–we prefer PORN CONVENTIONS!!!
    Late to yet another important appointment!

  46. Going, going, back, back, to Wilmette, Wilmette says:

    -I’m on a BoltBus to hell.
    -Dress by DVF, legs by rickets.
    -Fuck-you money or fuck FOR money?

  47. These Ah Mah Chinz says:

    Fake, mean, poofy. All. The. Time.

  48. funsucker says:

    Ate too many cupcakes, got fat.

    Have ragged red pelts, will travel.

    My cross to bear — too nice.

  49. Julia'sButtSweat says:

    Forget business–time for a photoshoot!
    Blueprint Cleanse and cupcake diet? No problem!
    Of course grown women can wear tutus!
    I LOVE BLACKS–mainly successful ones!!
    Gotta go! Here, take my dog!

  50. Don Juan says:

    Should have married Chicago Bears quarterback.

    Fuck you money – my only dream.

    Digitally photographing my empty soul forever.

    Pink tutus cupcaked non-orgasmic hedge fund.

    Even my dog Lilly hates me.

  51. Don Juan says:

    Watch me Yoga – Leave Your wife.

  52. juliaspublicist says:

    My vagina is now just dust.

  53. Don Juan says:

    Finger banging all my sponsors away.

  54. partypants says:

    I wonder if her vagina is haunted or maybe it’s like monster house.

  55. awkward.com says:

    Let it unfold. Or not. Whatever.

  56. Erin says:

    Wasted “trust fund” on pink tutus.

  57. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Look upon my beauty, dammit. Envious?

  58. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Ivy League boys, admire my pelts!

  59. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Me, me, me, mine, mine, mine.

  60. lily'sspleen says:

    Deep inside I’m filled with rage
    I’d do anything for Dad’s approval

  61. Dyspeptic2 says:

    I’ll make narcissism a paying gig.

  62. Talent free leech seeking glamourous life.

  63. melissa sue says:

    Wasted potential on lifecast. Er … oops?

    Make Me A Wife Cast Failed Miserably.

    Degree getting dusty. No content creation.

    No show. Nowhere to live. Oops. (Or maybe that’s more for Mary)

  64. Dyspeptic2 says:

    More pix of me; lucky you!

  65. Bunsy says:

    Wow, and to think that Frank McCourt is dying of cancer right now. There is no justice in the world.

  66. lily'sspleen says:

    Seething rage just under my smile
    A ticking time bomb swathed in pink

  67. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Heh, I came late to this party, but there are some real gems in this thread. Thanks for the laughs, RBNS peeps!

  68. Dyspeptic2 says:

    A wide stance gathers no flab.

  69. BRAY BRAY BRAY, BRAY BRAY BRAY.

  70. Plagiarized, lied, backstabbed, failed. Umm, Oops?

  71. Jill from LIU; such a twat.

  72. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Pink Palace life grows ever smaller.

  73. sad :( says:

    Ridonkulously nice; I’ll cut a bitch.

  74. awkward.com says:

    About to expire, please love me.

  75. Dyspeptic2 says:

    OMG, you really can group them into haikus! Indulge me:

    More pix of me; lucky you!
    A wide stance gathers no flab.
    Pink Palace life grows ever smaller.

    This is dangerously addictive. Must return to regularly scheduled workload.

  76. NewToLife! says:

    Every other time I have read Hemmingway’s 6 word story, I have found it moving and intriguing and kind of haunting. When Julia types it, it comes across as dull and lame. How on earth can something be bastardized by her typing the same 6 words as a master? I don’t know, but she has that skill to take gold and turn it in to dog shit.

  77. NewToLife! says:

    red head, green vag, black heart

    THE END!

  78. Dyspeptic2 says:

    I render gold into dog shit.

  79. NewToLife! says:

    Bolt Bus bitch had it coming

    Davos, CES, Inauguration, pics of me!!

    Will fauxga for ride on jet

    …..

    wow this is really fun!!

  80. NewToLife! says:

    It’s worrisome you find me interesting.

    My blog’s a parody, don’t look!

    Sad, angry adults hate on me.

    Pink pillows, stained with my tears.

    (ok i need to stop, this is addictive)

  81. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Dog shit on my floor, alas.

  82. Dyspeptic2 says:

    I sing myself; please join me.

  83. Dyspeptic2 says:

    My barbaric yawp shatters Manhattan calm.

  84. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Look upon lifecast, exes, and despair.

  85. Anony says:

    Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night

  86. partypants says:

    Time for someone to invent the 6 word nanoblogging service. Oh shit, I just gave julia a job idea.

    • juliaspublicist says:

      I was gonna post earlier that you know that she is gonna try to push for a Twitter memior book deal. Your life story in 140 characters or less.

      • juliaspublicist says:

        And if she steals that, I’m gonna sue her for all the cupcakes in the world.

      • melissa0sue00rbns says:

        puh-lease. she’s having enough trouble coming up with 6 words. how is she ever going to write a string of 140 character essays that are actually meaningful in a way that makes people want to pay for them??

      • juliaspublicist says:

        Crowd-sourcing.

      • melissa0sue00rbns says:

        oh snapple. if she stole my tweets and published them, i would be ripping mad. is that even legal?!

  87. braybie says:

    I bray, therefore I am. Fin.

    My vibrator’s name is Alexander Kumquat.

  88. LickedRandi'sCake says:

    A Game Content Minus A Game
    Do Not Gossip Unless TMZ Calls
    Blogs Are Lame I Lifecast Bitches

  89. Noncomplimentary Grapefruit says:

    Putting some of it out there.

    If nobody looks, I don’t exist.

    It doesn’t take two to converse.

  90. LickedRandi'sCake says:

    Commoners Scare Me Eat Corn Alone

  91. NewToLife! says:

    Okay for me, Not for you

    Everybody loves a good lip dub!

    My friends are all my fans.

  92. squirrelbait says:

    Julia Allison: there’s no “there” there.

    Who moved my cheese? Victimhood, yay!

    My knees are in two zipcodes.

  93. Dyspeptic2 says:

    You’d like me if we met.

  94. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Web 2.0 haters: slithery jealous snakes.

    • NewToLife! says:

      Web 2.0 haters: sad, angry adults

      and BTW, in our defense, I’d like to point out that being a sad, angry adult trumps being a sad, petulant child any day of the week.

      • Gary Klein D.D.S. says:

        NewToLife! FTW

      • sad :( says:

        Because we’re sad!
        We’re sad!
        We’re really, really sad!
        And the whole world has to answer right now,
        Just to tell you once again –
        Who’s sad!
        (crotch grab, thrust, spin)

  95. Dyspeptic2 says:

    I’m friends with Randi Zuckerberg, peons.

  96. partypants says:

    Your fame rubs off on me.

  97. Sherlock says:

    six photos of me is better!

  98. LickedRandi'sCake says:

    Not Attracted To Ricky Van Veen

  99. 4lbs says:

    Haha, I tweeted to her to stop comparing herself to Carrie Bradshaw and she DM’d back like two seconds later. If she does that she much read here!

  100. Is if the Internet is female?
    Reached its expiration date it has.

    http://tinypic.com/r/otf629/3

  101. BunnyBingo says:

    Lazy Daddy’s girl flames out slowly.

    Boring uninteresting bitchy wannabe fails NYC.

    No class, no taste, meaty thighs.

    Bray for pay, this way, yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  102. Julia's Too Small Tutu says:

    Fat people matter, when I’m one.

    I love theater, buy me tickets.

    I love ballet, buy me tickets.

    I love ballet, can’t name any.

  103. Johnny Optional says:

    So special, dates need decimal places.

  104. Bray.com says:

    You’ve all been having fun without me, RBNSers! I’m going to jump in late and join ya! BTW there are many hysterical entries above, what a creative group. Too bad about our terrible muse.

  105. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    Ain’t I something? Wait, come back!

  106. Dyspeptic2 says:

    Life is a cabar-yay.com!

  107. Dyspeptic2 says:

    So many stunts; so little time.

  108. Bray.com says:

    Happily ensconced in my parents’ guestroom.

    Haters obsess over me. It’s worrisome.

    Expiration date looms. I lip dub.

    @agent: where’s my fuck you money?

  109. Bray.com says:

    Fingerbanged at Balthazar. Posed at Inauguration.

  110. Sacred Scrapbooks says:

    My life: lip dubbing fictional characters.

  111. Dyspeptic2 says:

    This thread has given me so much pleasure, it’s worrisome.

    • Bray.com says:

      Uh-oh, I’m enjoying it too – readers, should I be worried?

      It also occurs to me that Jules could really just cut a couple words out of this seminal blog entry to fashion her memoir:

      I ate corn and then fled.

  112. pink bunny wabbit says:

    Carrie got Big
    Julia got Poofy

  113. pink bunny wabbit says:

    Miss Haversham did a lip dub

  114. HarDee Har Har says:

    I will not be IGNORED, Dan [Loeb]!

  115. DirtyLakeMichigan says:

    Cyber bully poster child, save me.

Comments are closed.